Critical Feminist Studies 2013

For my avatar, I chose a picture of my cat, Tuna. I chose this because my pets are an important part of my life, and of my family. I've had my three cats since the moment they were born, since the stray we adopted ended up being pregnant with kittens. It was a lucky accident and for the past 9 years my family has taken care of and loved these creatures that came into our lives most unexpectedly (perhaps we give them too much love, if their size is any indication). If I were to relate my pets to any notions of gender, I would say that my cats are the manifestation of my maternal instinct. I have no desire to raise children of my own; even when I was a child, according to my mother, I never dabbled in fantasies of motherhood with baby dolls or playing "house". However I express the trait of nurturing, which is typically deigned feminine, with my pets. While I defy societal norms by choosing to remain childfree the values I hold which are perpetuated by my gender's role in society are still present.

The picture I chose for my avatar is one that my friend drew of me. It’s very important to me because it shows me how I appear from her perspective. I have always been concerned with how others see me and let that shape my view of myself – in both negative and positive ways. If someone tells me I should wear my hair a certain way because it looks pretty, I agree with them and alter myself accordingly rather than offering and questioning my opinion of beauty. If someone tells me that I come off as standoffish or rude, I work hard to make sure that I appear friendlier when I’m around them. As I’ve grown as a person and formed a strong identity and opinions, I have slowly stopped shaping my behavior around others’ expectations, but it’s difficult to get past the initial urge of wanting to please. That urge is traditionally considered a feminine trait, so it’s hard for me as a cis woman and a feminist to reconcile that urge with the rest of me – is it from my own mind or part of the messages I’ve heard since birth from the heteronormative media? I think the reason why I value the picture I chose for my avatar so much is because I feel it looks like me – it is not a commentary on my appearance or behavior, but a glimpse into my personality.  It shows why the artist values me; it is an affirmation of my self and that which I should not change.

In my home, we have a book of Joseph Stella paintings that my dad keeps in the basement.  One of my favorite things to do as a little girl was to sneak down and examine the many pages, filled with the variety of works Stella completed in his lifetime.  My favorite was always my avatar.  It was mesmerizing for me to look at. I loved the placid expression on Mary's face, and the way all the colors of the fruit and flowers seemed to tie into her body and facial language.  When I attended weekly Catechism, I imagined her in the same way as I imagined Disney princesses. As this godly, "chosen" human, she formed one of my first images of the female identity--the creator, the provider of all that is good and holy in this world.  Although I never was terribly religious, and wasn't capable of fully comprehending Mary as the Christian figure of divine femininity, I connected with the natural, lush beauty that she portrays in the painting.  I identify as cisgendered and queer.  In reflection, I realize that the allure of Mary's presentation intiated the beginning of my fascination with women on a sexual and spiritual level.  Through this, I could see that the woman is a beautiful and essential part of nature, and that as a self-identifying girl, I was part of that.  

The picture I have for my avatar is one I’ve used a lot for things like gmail accounts, etc. It was taken on a day several summers ago when my older sister and I spent the day tie dying clothes, and thereafter used the extra dye on our bodies, because who wouldn’t love to walk around for a week with their skin stained in rainbow colors? I’ve always liked the picture and I’ve always thought it portrays me in a truer way than any picture of me dressed up in a suit or laughing at a party, but I guess I never explored why that was until now. In trying to explain why I chose that particular picture and how it relates to my self-identity and gender and sexuality, I think one thing that became pretty clear to me was that my gender and sexuality are secondary identifiers for me. I do openly identify as a cisgendered queer woman, but I like the idea of some ambiguity for people who don’t already know me well (for example, internet viewers who may stumble upon that picture). In the picture I’ve chosen, my face is not shown and my clothes are rather androgynous, thus taking the focus off of my gender or perceived sexual orientation. Instead the focus of the photo is the fact that I have dye splattered all over myself and I’m showing it off. I’ve loved making and wearing tie dye since I was little (my parents used to dress me in tie dye onesies), and people know me by it. (I even had to write and perform a love song to tie dye as one of my tasks for Hell Week!) It’s something that defines my personality, quirky and colorful as it is, and is a little piece of my history.

Reading Notes towards Critical Feminist Studies, 2013