My Avatar

The picture I chose for my avatar is one that my friend drew of me. It’s very important to me because it shows me how I appear from her perspective. I have always been concerned with how others see me and let that shape my view of myself – in both negative and positive ways. If someone tells me I should wear my hair a certain way because it looks pretty, I agree with them and alter myself accordingly rather than offering and questioning my opinion of beauty. If someone tells me that I come off as standoffish or rude, I work hard to make sure that I appear friendlier when I’m around them. As I’ve grown as a person and formed a strong identity and opinions, I have slowly stopped shaping my behavior around others’ expectations, but it’s difficult to get past the initial urge of wanting to please. That urge is traditionally considered a feminine trait, so it’s hard for me as a cis woman and a feminist to reconcile that urge with the rest of me – is it from my own mind or part of the messages I’ve heard since birth from the heteronormative media? I think the reason why I value the picture I chose for my avatar so much is because I feel it looks like me – it is not a commentary on my appearance or behavior, but a glimpse into my personality.  It shows why the artist values me; it is an affirmation of my self and that which I should not change.