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Bipolar Disorder and the Creative Genius
Biology 202
1998 Third Web Reports
On Serendip
Bipolar Disorder and the Creative Genius
HimaBindu K Krishna
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a psychopathology that affects approximately 1% of the population. (1) Unlike unipolar disorder, also known as major affective disorder or depression, bipolar disorder is characterized by vacillating between periods of elation (either mania or hypomania) and depression. (1, 2) Bipolar disorder is also not an illness that remedies itself over time; people affected with manic depression are manic-depressives for their entire lives. (2, 3) For this reason, researchers have been struggling to, first, more quickly diagnose the onset of bipolar disorder in a patient and, second, to more effectively treat it. (4) As more and more studies have been performed on this disease, the peculiar occurrence between extreme creativity and manic depression have been uncovered, leaving scientists to deal with yet another puzzling aspect of the psychopathology. (5)
Patients with bipolar disorder swing between major depressive, mixed, hypomanic, and manic episodes. (1-9) A major depressive episode is when the patient has either a depressed mood or a loss of interest/pleasure in normal activities for a minimum of two weeks. Specifically, the patient should have (mostly): depressed mood for most of the day, nearly every day; diminished interest or pleasure in activities; weight loss or gain (a difference of 5% either way in the period of a month); insomnia or hypersomnia; psychomotor agitation or retardation; fatigue or loss of energy; diminished ability to think or concentrate; feelings of worthlessness; recurrent thoughts of death or suicidal ideation or attempt. It is important to note that, except for the last symptom, all of these symptoms must be present nearly every day. (2, 7) In addition to major depressive episodes, patients with manic depression also feel periods of hypomania. A hypomanic episode must be a period of at least four days, during which the affected person feels elevated or irritated--a marked difference from the depressed period. (2, 7) The symptoms are: inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, decreased need for sleep, more talkative than usual, flight of ideas or racing thoughts, distractibility, psychomotor agitation or an increase in goal-directed activity, excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that may have negative consequences. (2, 7) This change in mood is observable by others and medications, substance abuse, or another medical condition does not cause the symptoms. (7)
In contrast to hypomania is mania, which is a more extreme case of hypomania. A manic episode is a period of an elevated or irritable mood for at least one week. (2, 7) The symptoms must cause problems in daily functioning and cannot be caused by a medical condition or drugs. (7) Manic symptoms are: inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, decreased need for sleep, more talkative than usual, flight of ideas or racing thoughts, attention easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items, increase in goal-directed activity or psychomotor agitation, and excessive involvement in pleasurable activities which may have negative consequences. (2, 7) Lastly, bipolar disorder patients may also go through mixed episodes, which are periods when the patient meets the criteria for both a manic episode and a major depressive episode every day for at least one week. (2,7)
Due to the different mood phases, which the patient may experience, the DSM-IV (diagnostic manual of American Psychologists) has categorized two different types of bipolar disorder, I and II.
Bipolar I is characterized as any one of the following variations:
1. The patient having a manic episode without precedence of a depressive episode
2. Most recently in a hypomanic episode with at least one previous manic or mixed episode
3. Most recently in a manic episode with at least one previous major depressive episode, manic episode, or mixed episode
4. Most recently a mixed episode with at least one previous major depressive episode, manic episode, or mixed episode. (7)
Subsequently, Bipolar II is characterized as the presence or history of one or more major depressive episodes and at least one hypomanic episode, without a precedence of a manic or mixed episode. (7, 1) One of the problems with diagnosing bipolar disorder is that the symptoms may not be incredibly noticeable until the disease has progressed to a dangerous point. (4) The disorder is such that a manic phase may only last a few hours at a time. (4) That is, the episode can proceed as a few hours of mania every day for at least one week. The affected person may not mind the mania or may be in denial of the disease, and since it only lasts a few hours, no one else may even notice. (4) By the time people actually begin to notice the manic-depressive cycle (or just the mania) it has already reached a point where the patient is barely able to function normally. (4) In addition, many clinicians have difficulty first differentiating between bipolar I and bipolar II. Since the types of patients, lengths of episodes, and age of onset are very similar, the only diagnostic tool is the difference between mania and hypomania. Since the symptoms are basically the same, except for the understanding that mania is one step more severe than hypomania, many clinicians fluctuate between the two subsets before diagnosing the patient. (4) Studies are still being conducted to more accurately and quickly distinguish bipolar I patients from bipolar II patients.
Researchers are still questioning the cause of manic depression. The most popular theory is that the disorder is caused by an imbalance of norepinephrine and serotonin. (1) During manic periods there are unusually high levels of norepinephrine and serotonin while, during depressed periods, there are unusually low levels. (1) The biological explanation is also supported by strong genetic inheritance. Many twin studies have been performed which have shown a predominance of bipolar disorder among monozygotic (identical) and dizygotic (fraternal) twins, with a greater chance of inheritance in monozygotic twins. Other studies have shown that bipolar patients often have a family history of both bipolar and unipolar disorder. (2) In addition to these studies, the fact that the most common method of treatment for bipolar disorder is medication testifies to the validity of the biological theory of causation.
Treatment for manic depression consists of mood stabilizers, medications that balance the manic and depressive states experienced by patients with bipolar disorder. (6) The most common treatment, or the first medication attempted, is Lithium. Lithium increases the serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake, this causes its counterbalancing effects of mania and depression. (6, 8) Research shows that Lithium alters NA transport and may interfere with ion exchange and nerve conduction. (8) Another effect of Lithium is its ability to inhibit second-messenger systems. These systems regulate cell cycling and circadian rhythms. Cell cycling and circadian rhythms, in turn, dictate the frequency and duration of the manic-depressive moods. (6, 9) However, many patients do not respond to Lithium. Some say that this is due to the drug, while others maintain that it is due to lack of consistency in taking the drug. (6) It has been shown that Lithium in not effective for all types of bipolar disorder, so other medications have been produced to help Lithium resistant individuals. (6, 8)
Anticonvulsants are the second attempted medications to alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Valproate (VPA) and Carbamazepine (CBZ) are the two most commonly prescribed. VPA has the same efficacy as Lithium for decreasing mania as well as acting faster, which is important to some patients. (6) However, the exact mechanism of action is still unclear. Research indicates that VPA may be involved with gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). VPA may either enhance GABA receptor activity and/or inhibit its metabolism. (6) CBZ has similar effects as VPA. That is, CBZ is also an anticonvulsant that alleviates the symptoms of mania, and possibly depression. Unlike VPA, more is known on the mechanism of CBZ. CBZ has been associated with neurotransmitter and ion-channel systems. (6) It binds to voltage-sensitive sodium channels, decreasing the sodium influx. It promotes potassium conductance and may block dopamine receptor-mediated currents. (6) Medication seems to be the best treatment to date for bipolar disorder. Psychotherapy is also helpful, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy, which focuses on readjusting patient's perceptions of life. (2, 3) However, patients still experience symptoms to one degree or another.
Though this psychopathology is not for one to wish, one interesting association with bipolar disorder is the creativity of those afflicted. (2, 3, 5, 7) This is not the normal creativity experienced by the above-average people (on the scale of creativity). This creativity is the creative genius, which is so rare, yet an inordinate percentage of the well-known creative people were/are afflicted with manic depression. (2, 3) Among the lengthy list are: (writers) F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath; (poets) William Blake, Sara Teasdale, Walt Whitman, Ralph Waldo Emerson; (composers) Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky. (10) Psychiatrists, realizing a connection greater than coincidence, have performed studies all over the world in an attempt to establish a link between bipolar disorder and creativity. (5) In the 1970s, Nancy C. Andreasen of the University of Iowa examined 30 creative writers and found 80% had experienced at least one episode of major depression, hypomania, or mania. (5) A few years later Kay Redfield Jamison studied 47 British writers, painters, and sculptors from the Royal Academy. She found that 38% had been treated for bipolar disorder. In particular, half of the poets (the largest group with manic depression) had needed medication or hospitalization. (5) Researchers at Harvard University set up a study to assess the degree of original thinking to perform creative tasks. They were going to rate creativity in a sample of manic-depressive patients. Their results showed that manic-depressives have a greater percentage of creativity than the controls. (5) There have been biographical studies of earlier generations of artists and writers which show that they have 18 times the rate of suicide (as compared to the general population), 8-10 times the rate of unipolar depression, and 10-20 times the rate of bipolar depression. (5) The additive results of these studies provide ample evidence that there is a link between bipolar disorder and creative genius. The question now is not whether or not there exists a connection between the two, but why it exists.
One common feature in mania or hypomania is the increase in unusually creative thinking and productivity. (2, 3, 5, 7) The manic factor contributes to an increased frequency and fluency of thoughts due to the cognitive difference between normalcy and mania. (2, 5) Manic people often speak and think in rhyme or alliteration more than non-manic people. (2, 5) In addition, the lifestyles of manic-depressives in their manic phase is comparable to those of creative people. Both groups function on very little sleep, restless attitudes, and they both exhibit depth and emotion beyond the norm. (2, 5) Biologically speaking, the manic state is physically alert. That is, it can respond quickly and intellectually with a range of changes (i.e. emotional, perceptual, behavioral). (5) The manic perception of life is one without bounds. This allows for creativity because the person feels capable of anything. It is as if the walls, which inhibit the general population, do not exist in manic people, allowing them to become creative geniuses. They understand a part of art, music, and literature which normal people do not attempt. The manic state is in sharp contrast to the depressive phase of bipolar patients. In their depressed phase, patients only see gloom and boundaries. They feel helpless, and out of this helplessness comes the creativity. (5) The only way bipolar patients can survive their depressed phases, oftentimes, is to unleash their despondency through some creative work. (5, 3)
Since the states of mania and depression are so different, the adjustment between the two ends up being chaotic. Looking at some works of literature or music, it can be noticed which phase the creator was in at the time of composition. In works by Sylvia Plath, for example, the readers may take notice of the sharp contrast among chapters. Some chapters she is full of hope and life, while other chapters read loneliness and desolation. Another example can be found in Tchaikovsky's music; there is a great variation among his compositions concerning their tone, tempo, rhythm, etc. In fact, some say that most actual compositions result from this in-between period because this is the only time when the patient can physically deliver something worthwhile. (3) Because the phases are so chaotic, the ideas float during the manic and depressive states, but the final, developed products are formed during the patients' "normal" phases.
However, the problem with bipolar disorder in present time is that drug treatment often vanquishes the creativity in the patient. (5) In earlier days when drug therapy was not implemented, the creativity would be free. Yet, through the attempt for affected people to cope with day to day living, their creativity must be sacrificed. It is remarkable how these "afflicted" persons exude extraordinary creativity. Therapists and researchers are on the constant search to provide treatment for the debilitating symptoms. In the case of bipolar disorder, the world benefits from the mood swings endured by a large percentage of these patients. Though their ability to function properly is of utmost concern, since the cycling between manic and depressive phases is so traumatic and energy depleting, the unusual existence of creativity of such caliber in these people is something to conserve. As more effective drug treatment is being sought after, hopefully there will be medication that will permit the creative genius of the patients and allow them to function in society as well.
Bibliography
1. http://www.healthguide.com/Bipolar/BASICS.htm
2. Rescorla, Leslie. Psychology 209, Abnormal Psychology. Bryn Mawr College, Apr 1998.
3. http://www.Scruznet.com/`Crawford/Madness/
4. http://www.medscape.com/Medscape/M5/mh3183.bowden/mh3183.bowden.html
5. http://www.schizophrenia.com/ami/Cnsmer/creative.html
6. http://www.medscape.com/Medscape/M7/mh3206.bowden/mh3206.bowden.html
7. http://www.cmhc.com/disorders/sx20.htm
8. http://www.usask.ca/psychiatry/bipolar2.html
9. http://www.mhsource.com/edu/psytimes/p960533.html
10. http://www.pendulum.org/misc/famous.htm
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12/21/2005, from a Reader on the Web Just glanced at your bipolar/creativity article. I'm afraid that mis-conceptions like symptom remision interfering with creativity is cited as reasons for people with bipolar disorder to discontinue any form of treatment. Although I don't have the references with me, a survey of the literature now (look for Richard's work with the Lifetime Creativity Scales) would suggest that it isn't people with full-blown mental illness that are creative (as behaviours such as apathy and psycho-motor retardation or grandiosity and poor impulse control would impede production of creative works), it is actually those with sub-syndromal mental illness (a partial expression of a genetic pheontype perhaps identifiable in family members or muted psychiatric symptoms) that are more creative. That research lab has also found that creativity actually goes down in people with full blown mental illness. I think this speaks to the importance of managing one's symptoms so that one can use the gifts that this style of thinking can afford. While this discussion needs greater space than comments can afford, I would caution people from making medical decisions based off of the few emminent people that do come to our attention with mental illness, rather than research conducted on everyday people. I would also make the caution that if a person with bipolar disorder does feel they are finally comming around and they suddenly have a tonne of creative ideas, please pace yourself and take steps to limit what could be another manic episode. Other creativity research will tell you that creative endeavour for MOST people is much like a marathon....if you sprint for the first half the race, you'll hit the wall in the second half. However, if you pace yourself (perhaps by keeping a book of creative ideas that can be explored later), you are much more likely to have a better overall performance and finish the race. David Armstrong
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The trouble was, whatever I was writing, I believed afterwards anyways, was a sort of prophesy - such that when you are writing, you don\'t know what the prophecy is at the time - you are not sure what the thoughts mean or where they came from. So it is just a very intense experience. I was able to hike with more strength as well I remember, it isn't just your brain that is operating at a very high "RPM."
So I agree with HimaBindu that an organized creative bipolar type would harness the creativity while they were fully manic, and save it, then fine tune it later after getting through the months of nasty depression which is the price of full blown mania (what goes up must come down.)
I also agree somewhat to Armstrong's comment, that ideas might be more useable, down to earth, less prophetic in nature, and less grandiose (if you listen to a lot of the classical music from famous composers - you could almost define the great ones as grandiose.) An exception might be art, music, and certain writings. So that really depends on what is being created. Creating a concept for an advertisement would probably be better done while hypomanic than manic, as this is a not so grandiose creation. While classical music might require a grandiose mood to come up with a great composition in the first place.
It is interesting to note, that I can turn on the creativity anytime I want, just by shorting myself with sleep. I don't know why this is the case. All people I think get a little "silly" and creative when they lack sleep don't they? This is more pronounced when you have bipolar. It seems as if the logical part of your mind gets exhausted and is not used much, while the creative side becomes dominant and does not get exhausted, rather it seems to get energized.
One possibility would be to look at bipolar and mania, rather than as a genetic flaw, it may be it is the opposite end of the envelope - that bipolars are pushing the envelope of creativity as an evolutionary stretch - that perhaps the human species mind is evolving to become more creative. That one day you could be fully manic your entire life, without crashing into depression, and live a richer life as a result. The "Kingdom of God" that Jesus spoke of (who some people think was bipolar by the way) could actually be a mental heaven that our species is progressing towards. Towards enlightenment I guess you could say. I realize I am getting a bit grandiose with this evolutionary possibility, but anything is possible, so I wouldn't write it entirely off as out of touch with reality. Some authors seem to also think there is a link between mania and spirituality, and I think that is along the same lines of what I just mentioned ... Jim, 16 June 2006
From my knowledge of manic-depression, and as a type I manic-depressive myself, I agree with Armstrong ... Douglas Lucas, 19 July 2006
I finally found a clue that might help me and others about the Bipolar Disorder Creative Genius. I have severe chronic back pain and have to take strong pain killers and muscle relaxants. I have been detoxed twice in a hospital ward for drug addiction. I made the decision to enter on my own. I hate taking the meds and the way they make me feel but each time I have had to go back and get the meds for pain. That's my history but the first time I detoxed and the place that I was in there was some really weird things going on and others thought so too. Anyway they were jacking with my thyroid. The Doctor said my test showed borderline and then he said "I'm going to give you some thyroid medicine;sometimes you can jumpstart a thyroid.Each time the Nurse would bring my meds I would look at them and ask her what they were even though I had it all memorized. I knew them by their shape and color. So rather wait till after a group therapy session to give me some meds she just comes over where I am sitting and tells me here is another med for you. It was like nothing I had ever seen before but she tells me it was thyroid medicine. I was so wired I felt like I was going for the moon. Iwas a total nervous wreck but I had to fight the horrible nervousness constantly. And for some reason (how about in the name of science!)they started giving us intelligence tests. The therapist giving the test said it was a test that they gave Marines and that seldom does anyone score 1 and extremely rare for anyone to score 2. Another part of the test was to score your answers by how close they came to being right or something like that. Anyway I was already sailing in outer space a bit,soI sailed right through this test never thinking twice about my choices because we were being timed also. All I know is I am no genius and my scores were off the charts you might say. I had the two answers that were rarely answered correctly and I scored 37 points. In comparison to everyone else in the room and their being on the low end, No one even got 1 on the first part of the tests and the scores on the other part were like 12 to 17. What was going on in my brain I haven't a clue. Everyone that was in this ward of only 16 people felt like we were being used like lab rats. It is a very long and complicated story that I won't get into any further ... Linda Rivers, 22 May 2007
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Comments
Reply to "Brokenwings"
I read your post and while I can't offer any definite solution, I can say that I care about you and I hope you are able to find someone to talk to and make some sense out of what you face. You are not alone, I battle many of the same difficulties. Hang in there.
Spiritual Anarchy
Spiritual Anarchy
Dancing and singing with arms upraised
through the streets of London, Washington
and Rome, Spiritual Anarchy brings the
happy ending to a story that began so
very long ago, no-one knows quite when.
I want to tell it straight, how I love
to go where we're generally not allowed
within the crippling constraints of the
Left Brain Logic world, where everything
needs to be ordered, ranked and defined
for the LBL authorities to maintain the
illusory safe feeling of absolute control.
I'm a Right Brain Refugee who found the
other world where I could feel free
when this one wore me out and made me feel
excluded for the crime of wanting to claim
what's rightfully mine, not only my sanity
but my true identity as a fully-connected
spiritual being whose eternal nature is to
taste joy through spontaneous expressions
of creativity born from the desire to give
pleasure to my fellow beings and God Almighty,
who's nowhere near as limited and controlling
as the LBL authorities make Him out to be,
and definitely not a fearsome old patriarch.
Left Brain governs the right side of the body
and I surely can’t be the first to notice
that when I'm in my Right Brain Refugee
mode of spontaneous creativity a whole new
world of possibilities opens up, which
sometimes scares the hell out of people
who don't believe there's life beyond
the LBL prison walls, not least because
Right Brain spontaneity jump-starts the
heart and redefines the parameters of love
beyond the rigid conventions of mere attraction
and attachment to partners, friends and family
on the level of body and mind, but way beyond
into full-blown life experience through
connection to my true self, the soul within,
enthroned in the palace of my heart
side by side with the Soul of souls,
the King of kings who's just waiting patiently,
a silent witness accompanying me throughout
my journey of self-discovery to that point
of recognition of the true beauty of divinity,
whose merest glimpse redefines reality.
Bipolar's not a crime to be punished
by labelling, exclusion and medication
that constrains behaviour and creativity,
but a symptom of radically changing times
when the youngest children of a dysfunctional
human family can't find the words but
can only act out what they need to say
by crossing the line into the forbidden zone
as Right Brain Refugees embracing the need for
a revolution in creative spontaneity
and calling out from high places with what
seems like crazy, random notions expressed in
music, dancing, art, performance and poetry
that carries one clear and consistent message:
There's a whole other world within, just waiting
for us to enter fearlessly and dive right in,
where truth is the sole authority and He,
in all His wisdom, introduces us gradually
to all His friends and those He loves so much
He wants to protect them from the madness
of Left Brain Logic that denies outright
the existence of God Almighty and a higher world
where we can be ourselves, our true selves
freed from the shackles of body and mind identity,
a logic that asserts defiance in the name of science
and kills millions in the name of religion,
all the time fiercely denying what's plain as day,
that unconditional love is the only way
to really progress and discover what we want to know,
based on faith and trust in the Creator
of this Universe, which clearly didn't happen
by accident or appear randomly from nowhere.
Believing we're random, accidental beings with
no higher purpose that to train ourselves to be
compliant producers and consumers within an economy
driven by Left Brain Logic leaders of industry who
would reduce us all to mere tradeable commodities
is a far more honest definition of insanity
than simply labelling Right Brain Refugees
as mad when all we're really trying to do,
whether consciously or unconsciously, is balance
and reconnect the two disjointed halves
of our inner world, driven by the same necessity
to reconcile and harmonize Western Left Brain
expertise and technology with Eastern Right Brain
creativity and spirituality to make ourselves whole,
for optimum functionality both as individuals and
one fully reconnected human family under God,
who's clearly calling us all home now, through
any of the 12 gates to the recently revealed
City of Revelation, which has turned up unexpectedly,
in a breathtaking display of divine creativity,
a timeless lotus mandala pattern 20 miles wide
connecting all the ancient sacred sites of London,
in preparation for a threefold Olympic symphony
of sporting excellence, culture and spirituality
expressed in waves of creative spontaneity,
all centred, enigmatically, at the good old BBC,
Broadcasting House, London W1, where lefty liberal
DJs and presenters are already racing furiously
to encourage one of the others to be the first
to 'come out' and say it publicly, that there's
far more to life than the dreary conventions
and formalities prescribed by state and industry
to lock us all within the grey prison walls
of Left Brain Logic and conformity.
The cure for mankind's widespread bipolarity is balancing
two halves as one by reconciling man's achievements
over time with the original beauty of divine design.
The New Earth Olympics 2012 throws open one gate
to the New Jerusalem, the long-awaited City of Revelation,
where we can all finally meet in unconditional love,
regardless of which entrance we eventually choose,
as fellow members of a Spiritually United Nations.
Requesting your insight...
My husband has just been diagnosed with Bipolar II. While reading your post it became clear that you have an understanding about the importance / power of spiritual balance. If possible could I please contact you privately?
Advice
Hi, I will not comment on sprituallty having any relation with mania or not. But as you said your husband is diagnosed very recently with Bipolar , i will advice you to make shure that medicines provided by doctor is taken regularly by patient and being most close to the patient it is you who must always monitor the behavioural changes in your husband and should report to doctor immediately in case you find any abnormalities in behaviour. It is better for you and patient to maintain a diary with all experiences as they can be refered in future by you to understand the change. Also make shure to make your husband understand that only cure available for the disease is regular medicine. These medicines will have many side effect but the overall benefit from medicines will be far more than those side effect. medicines if taken regularly under doctor will make the life almost normal and leaving them can really ruin the life. So its better to take this advice and follow rather than experiencing any such mishappening in future that will definetly make you understand the importance of regular medicine , but by that time it may be late as what happened with me .
Best of luck.
spiritual balance
Sure, I wouldn't mind.
yazan_aburagheb@live.com
Creative Arts in the Olympic Games
I just want to add, as an afterthought to my Spiritual Anarchy poem, that creative arts were included in the Olympic Games until 1954. See Wikipedia entry for Art competitions at the Olympic Games http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Art_competitions_at_the_Olympic_Games
City of Revelation
Hey Madan, first of all, let me congratulate you on a brilliant piece of writing. Also on the online name of "Madan"! I can't figure out if this is an accidental misspeling, a deliberate misspelling, or a test to see if anyone is paying attention. Reminds me of a guy who rearranged the letters on the front grill of his pick up to spell "DORF". I asked him about it, and he told me no one ever noticed!
In any case, the whole piece is a manifesto for a revolution. It is the single most comprehensive analysis of BP, statement of independence, and focus on a spiritual integration I have seen in one place. These categories are not a left brain attempt on my part, to control what you wrote, but an existential appreciation of how clearly you summarize so many attempts at control of BP and mental illness in general, and the adventure of living the reality of an eternal and spiritual world. I find your summary of the City of Revelation specially amazing! I have studied the Book of Revelation for 14 years on and off, partly in Greek, and had to start by retranslating the first four chapters. I found that scholars are lilly livered yellow bellies who give you the formally correct sense of the word, without any appreciation of the context. This is an assinine way of translating anything, and misleading to boot! Your connection of the New Jerusaem, the City of Revelation, and London is also brilliant.
Hope to hear from you! You can also write directly to me:
More Revelations
Hey Otavio. Madan is Sanskrit for Cupid, btw.
I'm very keen to hear more about your personal translation of the 1st 4 chapters of Revelation.
All is revealed at the New Earth Olympics 2012 website, with links to 'London, City of Revelation'
by C.E.Street. Its a stunning piece of work, divine design written all over it.
You can e-mail this author from there. I hope to hear more from you very soon!
London, City of Revelation
Hey Otavio. Thanks for your encouragement for my writing. I'd love to discuss more about the City of Revelation, especially. It seems your direct address has been omitted, so let's find a way to communicate without trying to post our private e-mail addresses in a public forum. Any ideas?
Private corresondence
Hey Madan,
Go to pendulum.org/support/forums, register as madan, or whatever you like, and private message skookum. That will reach me privately, and we need not reveal personal e-mails, personal detais, or (something else that rhymes with "ails"). I did try at what I perceived to be a reference to an online messaging forum, but I may have misunderstood, it may not have reached you, or perhaps you did not like my message! I am interested in talking more. Hope to hear from you soon.
Just what i thought in Grad
Just what i thought in Grad School back in 07...ADHD is a disorder that has to be genetic in origin there is no way around it....I can remember being depressed at 18 suicidal....After 4 yrs of alcohol and drug abuse in college they figured out after a mania attack in which I was abducted raped and almost murdered that I had bipolar rapid cycling. I have taken lithium since age 22 and went off it about 3 times, thinking i was ok stupid right, I had every answer for people about why I was not bipolar you and I could think and as a result ended up in a shelter for 5 weeks then getting home to my husband. This was a few yrs back.
BPD symptoms resonate with me
god knows how many times iv googled articles on BPD and symptoms.its scary to read the symptoms and having such a strong pang of familiarity with most of the symptoms.i swear i go "done that" on almost every symptom.here's the thing,im not sure if im really bipolar.my dad,my brother,my bestfriend and my mum especially always have to remind me to keep my mood in check because i have crazy mood swings.and as much as i hate to admit it,i realize that i do have mood swings.and its insane to keep up with my moods because it changes in just a matter of minutes.i can be really happy and euphoric and when that happens id talk really fast and what comes out of my mouth has no head or tail.i can be rambling about one thing and jump on to another topic and to me it makes sense but its hard for others to connect the dots about what im saying because it gets all garbled up.i think i just did it again.and its irritating because as soon as my euphoric burnout(which usually lasts about less than half an hour) i can go from being easily irritable to really really depressed.ugh i hate it when that happens because i can get drown in my own lows even if im fully aware that theres no reason for me to be feeling depressed.and my lows seem to always last longer than my highs.
heres the killer though.and what im worried about,really hence explains why iv been trying to find some sort of answers whether im really bipolar or not.ok,so when my highs visit me,id naturally have this sense of infinite invinsibility.i swear sometimes i think that if i were to see myself from other people's eyes,id say i act like a metally ill person too.because when i have my highs i become too impulsive to the extent that id do anything without thinking or holding back AT ALL! like the other day i was at the beach at night and i had the most intense urge to just jump into the water( note- my deep seated fear is sea and anything thats filled with deep and dark water) sometimes it gets so crazy that id do anything really,heck when im high,theres never a moment when i dont do anything risky.and you know what sucks,everytime my highs are about to receed,i feel light headed and i forget what i just said or did. when i have my highs, i can go on without sleeping usually up to 2 days. time just doesnt exist when i have my highs.
and when i have my lows,id withdraw myself from everyone and id consume my time with my thoughts. sometimes it gets so bad to the extent that im not able to feel anything. i wont be able to feel sad or cry or i know this doesnt make sense but i just dont feel anything. my body just feels like an empty vessel.when i have my lows i just lie in my bed,feeling sorry for how pathetic i am.sometimes,when the depression comes with no reason(like say i had a great start for the day and nothing bad has happened)and when i get tired of trying to make sense of why i feel depressed,id always have the urge to do something stupid like popping a few painkillers just so i can fall asleep.
then my mood can swing immediately to being extremely angry and snappy. thats when my bitchiness shine really.i make living with me feels like hell.nothing anyone do is ever right when im angry with no reason.my mum knows it when i have this episode because id start to pick a fight about anything really.
and then theres the mood when i just want to write and write. so iv made it a point to use writing as an escape. so far,writing has helped me channel my feelings.my lows especially.
help me.i need a closure.am i bipolar?id really appreciate your helpful response.
It's possible ...
I can't really judge, but from what you're saying, it's pretty much possible. I still have that rambling words problem trying to express my thoughts, my mother used to say that I ate words, my friends made fun of me because I made no sense or said something irrelevant to them. It feels like my mind's activity doubles. Everything goes real fast in my head that I cant keep up with it when talking, so it comes out odd to the observer. The mood tempers are just emotions bottled up in you. The reason it goes off when at your mood swings is probably because you become at sync with your inner self a lot more than usual. The same goes for when you're happy or have any other emotion. For example, when i'm at a party, and my mood swings, I either have the time of my life or get really depressed. If I came in excited, I feel like i'm tipsy drunk without drinking, I get all the courage in the world to ask the hottest girl there to dance, I go wild. All emotions double when i'm at that state. So just control yourself, there is nothing wrong with feeling down every once in a while, just dont let it out on other people. We are rather sensitive people, so it's all a matter of control.
As long as you are not a danger to yourself or to anyone else, there is no need for medication, as it wont really matter if you are bipolar or not. Just make the most of your mood swings and use them carefully.
Wow...
Dear fool, you are CORRECT in your very first statement. "You CAN'T judge. You exhibit the symptomolgy of the BP and you say "just control yourself"? That's your advice? I hate to use technical terms with someone like you, but are you nuts? The best advice is to stay on the medications a competent doctor puts you on unless there is a real problem with them (like they are shutting down your organs) and the doctor adjusts. The insidious thing about BP is that people stop taking the meds once they feel OK and you shout about doing just that like it's all right to do so. I can see it now, Doctors the world over will be quoting some idiot named "Yazan" that says to just "control your mood swings" Maybe you just talk fast or take illegal drugs at parties, but anyone who has actually suffered mania knows that THERE IS NO CONTROLLING IT. I say again, there is no off switch and your brain offers no alternative to the stupid things you are doing, Yazan. Grow up, Fool.
are you a Dr???
You are giving bad and dangerous advice. You are probably manic right now. Not to take medication for people with bipolar and tryin to balance a life is near impossible. I tried it for 7 to 8 years and " balanced " my energy with vigorous execise like running and weight lifting, after a few stressfull events (having a child, wife on maternity leave, overworking, lack of sleep, large bills) I quit my job and spent thousands of dollars (all of my money) and am now in debt and trying to get my job back. All because I could not admit the fact that I was Bipolar and refused to take medication. The first time I had an episode nobody knew what was wrong and I was too paranoid to talk to anybody about what I was feeling. I did what everyone told me too and took the medication but as soon as I started feeling better I stopped it; huge mistake because that decision led to this most recent extreme low. I am now back on medication (the right meds for me) and couldn't be happier with my decision. Being on medication can save your life and those highs lead to the lows so why not ballance yourself out with medicine? Exercise is good too. Running is really good, combined with medication life is good.
My Dr's view :) = Stopping medication for bipolar when you feel good is equivalent to a woman stopping birth control because she is not pregnant.
He is not wrong
He said the facts. Expecially in bipolar 2 you dont have to drug too much. I'm doctor and I have exoerience dealing with bipolar patients. Some of them even get a symptom free latency for 20 years. It is not comparable to birth control pills. If you still doubt it please check out this article
Illness or rather a blessing ?
" A thin line seperates insanity from genius. ".
The problem when looking at bipolar people is that they are looked upon as mentally disturbed people, yet as a bipolar person I personally consider it a blessing. Infact I think it's present in more than just 1% of the total population, but not all who have this state of mind lose control and consider suicide, thus phsycologists only look into people with severe need of medication, and those cases are in actual need of treatment. But it should not be generalized for all who share the same state. I will not look past any examples beyond myself. I am a 20 year old male currently studying mechatronics engineering at the German Jordanian University, I am also training at Porsche. I have a loving family and plenty of friends that I enjoy spending time with. I am pretty satisfied with my life at the moment and I still have these mood swings. I do get frustrated at times, and it can get rather depressing but I progressed. My mood swings have widened my understanding about many many things, life being one of them. It teached me that life is about emotion, and that even though we may feel miserable at times, other positive emotions counter that negativity. After all, if it was not for all the hard times that we went through, the counter positive emotions may not be as satisfying or rewarding. Life is all about balance. This does not only work with emotions but with plenty of other aspects of our life. I believe that each and every human being has the ability to control him/herself. I for one have learned how to control my mood swings, and I try to make the most of it when it actually happens. Use a sense of balance, set ground rules and learn to control it, and once you master it, you will have the potential to achieve great things in life. Offcourse it'll be very difficult, and there is a possibility that you may even lose yourself in the process, but isn't that what distinguishes one person from another ? What makes you any different than others ? It's how you manage and handle things. " A thin line seperates insanity from genius. ".
help
hi my partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD we have been together for 8 months we have gone from falling in love and it being the best feeling in the world to a proposal of marriage ( later to be taken back due to pressure) to nearly cheating on me ( i found out first) to now telling me its over because he cannot burden me with his diagnosis. I am heartbroken, i want to be in his life, i want to support him, love him but i due to the stress of the last year i have had a meltdown myself. Am i absolutely kidding myself that we could be happy? should i just admit defeat and stay in the background to support him as a friend? please help me...
Hard to stay focussed
Dear Chad
I am a bipolar of nearly 18 years and more...( am 39 now)
To you and all of you who read this...my offering,
1. Just do not worry about bipolar- you are special and sometimes need time to recede- not so usual for everyone else. And do not even think of conquoring the disease- it is not a disease- it is just you, me...us- the mutants!!! Just know you are different and then get down to adapting yourself to it.
2. Since you are different, you will be affected differently. Don't your difference let you feel weak. Maybe you are more tuned to suffering around, or life around...why should you feel you ought to react like everyone else?
3. Ok even if it is a mind disease, so what? Can't throw the mind out yet, can we? So why not make the most of the mind itself?
4. Medication is not the only way out- grounding is important- the single most significant grounding role in my life has been played by my dogs! I mean when i had to ensure that i have to wake up and exercise them and cook for them and so forth- it became an important discipline for me.
5. When you cannot focus, you cannot meditate either- so be kind to yourself and just stop for yourself for a few minutes every time, like five minutes only. Don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge your differences and your different needs.
6. Why not make a plan for your life and start living it? Maybe things would be a bit slow...but at least there would be some progression. Things will happen slowly.
7. I work with homeopathy and have been very stable for several months. I don't know if you have access to it.
8.Suffering is a human condition and something we cannot escape. Do you ever make up to the ones who have suffered because of you? Must be your parents or siblings- be kinder to them when you are well, do something for them. I am not preaching this to you, but doing all of this myself. Make suffering your reason to grow better my friend, the choice is always ours'. What we make of it is the difference between one and another.
let us be a little more compassionate, extend our hands out to hold another who sways in doubt today and go not while away a worthwhile life agonizing.
difficult to adjust
i was diagnosed wid bipolar at age of 27 years, its been a year since my treatment is going on.all i can say is i have still survived.for the sake of loved ones,whom i still conside as my loved ones..never knew our minds could play such heavy duty games..was tremendously active for months..had so much in my mind badminton,swimming, business,painting,driving,horse riding etc...hyperactive all day..& one fine day it all went down, sadness,remorse,hatred,struggle,paranoia even hurting your loved ones with callous & negative behaviour..all this cudnt stop as it was way out of control...trying to fit in with the world nobody understanding us...wish i was not born this way...we always live on the edge either this side or that side, cant balance as we were born this way its always extreme love or extreme hatred, no in between..
now i have to compromise on my independence,my family doesnt see me as an adult who can take her own decisions.but i dont blame them as there's always the possibility of triggering things or relapses..
i regre that relationships ended just like that...the one i loved became my worst enemy...inability to fit in with the world..loss of job frequent job changes..never ever satisfied wid ourselves.. U see the world in different angle & the world sees you in a totally different angle.Hope all this will change,hope i survive, hope i can keep my marriage, hope i can be a gud mother,a gud wife,a gud friend,a gud daughter,a gud sister...STILL HOPE IS THE WORD & I AM COUNTING ON IT
Bipolar can not make someone
Bipolar can not make someone die. Seems you have taken the desease very seriously . It happens initially but gradually you will realize that you can live a normal life like anyone provided you take medicines very reglarly , meet your doctor at times and maintain a diary with all symptoms of mania and depression so that you/your relative can understant the mood swing if it happens in future. Rest is all game of mind . Life will be the way you feel. There are many examples of sucessfull personalities having same problem.You also can be atleast a normal person . Dont be dishartened , its like B.P. problem, you take medicines you will be ok, leave them and chances for attack rises. In your case chances of mood swing is almost shure in case you discontinue medicines. So relax , its all thevery same , go for swimming , jogging whatever . I am also doing the same since 12 years.
Take Care
BIPOLAR Patiently waited
BIPOLAR
Patiently waited here
for this relationship
to get up off of the ground.
Just seconds from lift off,
I become pissed off.
My smile turns to a frown.
There is nothing to say.
Tell me what do I do?
I love you today
then tomorrow we're through.
It is all because of my MOOD
My mood swings.
My heart it cries then sings.
My mood swings baby it swingS
I never know exactly how I will feel <---------------------
We'll see what the moment brings
My mood...... My mood swings baby yeah
It swings continuously
I do I do love you baby
I didn't mean to say those things
I LOST MY MIND
I've lost control
it is no big secret.
I lost track of time.
I can't seem to keep it
I lost my mind.
I hope to find it.
If I don't guess I won't mind it
INSANITY
There used to be something
I know it was real
Now it is gone
I can’t describe how I feel
A euphoric epiphany
I knew in my heart
All worldly functions
And my exact place a part
I could not find the words
For this intuition
It was something brand new
That held no definition
Before i could translate
The thoughts or the reason
It was gone in an instant
My brain has its seasons
Now that it is over.
I have one confession.
I am completely insane,
And am now in depression.
My (ex) girlfriend
I have so many questions please anyone help me my girlfriend blieves strongly she has bipolar disorder and I myself would not be surprised (I think I recall her saying she was diagnosed once but her parents did my believe in that sort of thing) and it's not as much drastic mood swings (even though those happen also) as it is the fact that we have gone out twice now she says he really likes me and that we really like eachother and we dated for four months and she says she doesn't want to break up with me but she feels it is necessary that she doesn't know if she likes me as more than a friend and so she breaks up with me then 3 months late she likes me again I gave her another chance and last week she was saying she loved me and was so affectionate but then next thing I know this week she says she is questioning if she loves me as a bestfriend or a boyfriend she was balling her eyes out when she broke up with me she did not want to but her feelings kept changing back and forth between liking me and not knowing is this bipolar disorder or something else? Please help!
P.s she also has insomnia I'm not sure if
They are connected or not but I figured I would mention it.
reply to bipolar question
I'm sure that someone has already taken the time to answer your question thoroughly, however, I am deeply interested in this situation because I lived a nearly identical situation.
Except I was the bipolar girlfriend.
I was going out with this guy, very sweet and kind through and through, and one day everything changed. I had once felt a deep affection for the boy and could never stop thinking about him, but I fell off the phase into a deep hole in which all I could think about was how much I had failed him. How much his voice irritated me. How I wished that his inflated positive mood would shut off so that he could sit in the dark with me in silence instead of parading me each moment of my day with constant phone calls and emails.
The biological situation was that I had experienced an episode of full blown mania during the time we went out and I had to come crashing down into depression. Because that is the disorder. There was nothing to be done of it. But in my depressed state I felt a lack of true ambition towards him completely, I wasn't sure that I loved him anymore. For whatever reason that assurity I found in him before was gone and replaced by this giant gaping question mark. And I couldn't place the rhyme for it.
You stated that your girlfriend went back and fourth as to whether she loved you. You are likely witnessing the change from Mania to Depression in those moments. The difference between your situation and mine was that I fell hard into depression and decided to end it then and there. I didn't want my boyfriend to walk with me through the inevitable back and forth motion of myself so I cut him off. If that is the root cause her indecisiveness parallels the mania and depression. Why should that happen? I am not sure. However I can attest to it. I felt it. Being depressed made me question whether or not I loved anyone, including my boyfriend. It's hard to truly hold the same fireworks and glitter of fresh romance and young love when you feel like that. Especially if she fell for you during Mania, which would probably enhance everything about the crush itself.
(AKA: When I was with my boyfriend I felt that 1) Our relationship was destined by God - really. 2) It was the best thing to ever ever happen.... ever. 3) That it would never end. That it was the relationship that made me feel better, not the Mania.
I remember sitting in my car staring at the light so in-fixed with the complexities of the universe and how they paralleled my 'love' for my boyfriend. There are some illegal drugs that would make you feel that way. :P And then it was gone.
I really am convinced from what you told me that she would have a similar testimony to this.
If her feelings were due to being Bipolar then they are quite textbook in nature. If not, well... then maybe it was all a rues and a joke to mess with you.... (That was a joke. Haha. Sorry....) I think that her issues with the relationship are very likely linked to being Bipolar.
Studying Bipolar disorder should help a lot in understanding what she may have been going through. Really, many people who are Bipolar measure up to the text book cases of the disorder, sometimes amusingly so. There is little that you could have done for her. It's not like you can make yourself Bipolar to join her. Even if you were Bipolar it would be more likely that your 'triggers' or moments/events that change you over from depression to mania would be different. (Which is why I would never suggest a Bipolar patient look for another Bipolar individual as a partner. I have a friend who is Bipolar as well... my mother is Bipolar... I hate being around other Bipolar people sometimes. I crave the stability in others. Even though they may not always 'get it'.) The only true help that she could get would be from medication and a therapist who would help her design a schedule and lifestyle around maintaining the episodes. It really is a shame that her parents 'do not believe in such things', or whatever. Really, they are not doing her any help. Bipolar Disorder is a REAL mental illness that has REAL consequences.
One: Has the potential to destroy relationships. (You've already seen that.)
Two: More often then not negatively effects school and studies progress.
Three: Bipolar Disorder can KILL! How? Well, not like cancer. But in episodes of Depression individuals may experience Suicidal thoughts or tendencies. And from what I can tell you and your (ex) girlfriend are younger? Like teens perhaps? Teenage Bipolar Patients are more likely to commit/attempt suicide then adult patients. Why? The extra hormones, the already present teenage angst. Untreated Bipolar individuals may also engage in high risk behavior like unprotected sex with multiple strangers during Mania. Depression can yield things like cutting, eating disorders (I had that multiple times), and loss of normal health maintenance like proper diet and even... yes... bathing.
I hope for her sake that something changes soon. Perhaps she shall have to wait around like I did to get real solid help when she his older. It's one of the best things anyone with a mental illness can do.
On Insomnia: Yes. Insomnia is a major symptom in Bipolar Disorder. Probably my worst friend in terms of context. Bipolar Disorder enjoys waking you up a 4am everyone night, I swear. If it could talk, it would say that.
Insomnia is usually a symptom of Mania. In Mania most people feel that need less sleep as it is, have increased energy... Bu the Insomnia factor can have backwards effects and make someone feel more sluggish - even induce episodes of Depression.
Okay - this has been a rather long response. I'm sorry I can't seem to keep things trite. I also hope that there was something informative and beneficial to you in this. Ultimately my advice would be not to force her into a relationship... like at all. I swore myself off of dating most of my younger years because I couldn't manage to keep it together. However, if you do pursue her more so,remember that the mental illness is a real thing, but she is still a person. (I would recommend trying to get her comfortable with the idea of seeing a professional, really.) ;)
If you have any mroe questions or would just like to talk a bit you can contact me. I'll be more than eager to help if I can.
Hope things go well, God Speed.
I really hope you have the
I really hope you have the same email address and will see my post. My husband of 5 years has just been diagnosed. I'm just looking for understanding as his wife. Would you mind contacting me privately?
To Serendip Visitor
Your post really hit home and it helped me understand myself a bit more.
I have the bi-polar disorder and it's rapid cycling. It can change from manic to sever depression and back again 20 times a day or it can last for weeks at a time either side.
I get suicidal a lot and I was a minute ago.
I completely isolated myself from my siblings and friends.
I have no one in my life except my dog and my grown up kids when they visit and that is not often. We are very close but they all have busy lives.
I was married 4 times and my last marriage lasted 1 day. We were in separate bedrooms and never had intimacy for 3 months and then I moved out. One day I love him and the next I hate him with a passion. WE are emailing and he says he loves me and blames it all on my bi-polar.
I tell him he is wrong to think this way since it is all his fault since he did not understand me and treated me with mental abuse on a daily basis. He says he got out of control because I rejected him and refused to get close. He is absolutely right and I don't want him to know that.
I must remain alone and lonely and hurting because I do not fit in anywhere. I have been in countless relationship and I broke off all of them...I have no more friends and refuse to let anyone in. Now I am even afraid to talk to strangers and that is pretty much every one. I am in therapy and I have tried every med available and they do not work only make me feel like a zombie...I am very creative as well, in many areas painting sewing guitar playing decorating in my manic stages and sit on the couch in my depressed stages . I ruin my life in my manic stages , moves, quit jobs,end relationships or begin them get married and drink and so on...
I would like for you to email me but you are best to stay away from me since I would just bring you down with my stories....I just had to let you know that it is real good to identify with someone who understand and feels like you do.
best to you and all readers hang in there
I would love to communicate
I would love to communicate back with you, and on a daily basis as well. It seems to me like you started to treat yourself as a mentally disturbed person, so you are distancing yourself from everyone. We are different from other people in the way we think, our brain activity rises at seriously high levels in sudden times, so we start linking things we didnt at our normal brain activity. The downside is the emotion part, when at our peak activity, we get very well synced with our inner side, all emotions that are bottled up deep inside set free and we feel them. I dont know if you have noticed, but when we are not at our maniac phase ( and are mostly just like everyone else ) we hide our bad emotions, we either stop thinking about them or convince ourselves that it's all ok and we dont mind that much while it's hurting us deep inside. But when we go through our maniac phases and get in touch with our inner selves, we feel those emotions arising, so we feel deeply depressed. What I used to do when i'm very depressed, was to isolate myself just to stay away from my loved so that I dont hurt them, and it got worse from there, I felt alone and lost, food lost it's taste, it was like I was somewhat dead. And the only time I actually felt alive was when I was at maniac stages. I'm very interested in philosophical views concerning life, mostly regarding human interactions and behavior. Day by day, my understanding regarding that matter increased, up till the day I had the urge to want to test it all. So I needed to go back to the world, and I did. Things have been great ever since. My mood swings have also decreased to some point, but I am becoming more the person with the mood swings than without. I have become smarter and a lot more creative by nature.
It is all mental, and the only way to adapt is mental. Medication wont fix it, it will just make it go away for a while just to come worse ( unless you take medication on a normal basis and pretty much stop you brain from growing and become a zombie ).
I recommend that you pick yourself up and get back on your feet, we all want to live happily ever after, so start looking towards that happy life instead of your depressing yourself in the current one. Take a few days to let out all the negative emotions, and clear your mind. As long as you feel there is hope for you to be happy, then there is hope. Go out, meet new people, make new friends.
Once you conquer that fear of things going wrong and stop thinking about it, you will have a good time. I just have one word of advice: dont overwhelm people with yourself, dont mention bipolar and maniac or any of those illness thoughts, just talk about what you like, share things in common, and act normal. It will soon feel very natural and you will never feel lonely again. Everyone has their alone time, ours is maniac ...
thank you Yazan
Yazan, I appreciate your reply as it found me when I really needed a boost like most days in the blues.
You sure gave me good advice and I always ask myself why I have to let others know of my illness when I know they will then reject me of ignore me.
I came to the conclusion that it is simply because they ask "what is wrong with you?, why are you like that? why dont you want to come here or there or do this and that?" whatever it may be. I have to either find and excuse which makes me feel worse or tell it like it is. At first when I got diagnosed I hid it as much as I could and then I slowly started hiding myself instead of having to be looked at with a magnifying glass by others who dont understand what it is to all of sudden start talking at high speed about all and anything without connecting any thoughts all in one sentence that never ends...and then just start tearing and crying and hiding again...I am rambling again.
I would love to be able to put myself out there and go join others in fun especially now when all I have to do is go across here to the park and join in with all that is going on there. I cannot even bring myself to that chip stand that I pass by everyday walking my dog and craving for one of those greasy hot fattening delicious treat.
I am ashamed or embarrassed or have no self esteem left that I would probably just blush getting in line.
However, when I get in my manic stage I would take over the line-up and direct the traffic and give the owners of the chip stand on how to be more efficient and make jokes and make everyone laugh and then would go home to cry just thinking on what an imbecile I have just been.
You are right about medication and I want off this stuff forever...I just started back on my wellbutrin for a week now. Well guess what I cannot sleep at all now so I have to start back on my seroquel and I really dont want to because here comes the numb zombie walking into walls. So then the other option to stop this pain I'm feeling inside and outside and everywhere I look or walk is...
I'm still trying to figure it out. The only time I am happy is when I am in manic but it never last and after 3 weeks of craziness a realizing the new destruction I have created I naturally jump in the black hole...
and yet there are days that my moods are up and down by the minutes...what an idiot I feel like at those times...I will be totally depressed and then all of sudden I just start laughing my head off with no control and dancing , even jumping and then with no warning just collapse in tears and agony...
So tell me how can I possibly think that I can live normal when I cannot even trust myself on how or what I will react to any event that I pass by because that is all I do.
God please pull me out of this and take me away or give me a way out.
Thank You
For the first time in my life, I feel like I can open up to some one would understand me. I have tried talking about it to some of my close friends, but they either distanced themselves from the issue or denied me having any issue. I also tried a different approach where I only talked about emotions and life, and I was thought off as a drama queen or just too deep and emotional. So I started to write what I had felt ( kind of openning up to myself ), and I felt better.
I became good at reading other people, and I sensed when my friends needed to open up, I tried to be there for them when ever I could, I knew the right words to say, and it made them feel better. And that's about the best feeling I can ever experience. To see a friend happy and know that I was the reason behind it.
By hearing me out, by helping me explore myself more by your experiences makes you my friend. And to know that i'm helping a friend out makes me the happiest man alive. So thank you for sharing your experiences with me, and thank you for hearing me out. I really hope you overcome whatever that is in your way to happiness and live a happy life. Thank you.
load is heavy
That is the good part of life when one is being understood. I was only 7 when I sat on the shore most of the day wishing for someone to understand me or take me away. No one came and that has been my story ever since. I sure don't like feeling like a victim so I prefer not list what came afterwards.
It does not even matter. All we have is now. Yes, what a cliche however true.
Today is mellow and cloudy and dark and not sure what I feel. This is my day and I will play the hand that is being dealt. That is easy because all I see are words and a dog sleeping beside me. My only real loyal friend. Haa, I guess I am being lonely and melo-dramatic again. How lovely to be judged.
I used to have trouble with
I used to have trouble with sleep too. It gets late, and I knew that i needed to wake up early the following morning, but I couldnt sleep. I just lied on my bed with my eyes closed, and the next thing I know, i'm day dreaming, imaging every possibility of how things might have gone if I had done things differently in a specific event that day, or imagine my life in a few years, or imagine any story or idea that comes to my mind. The smallest of emotions, memory or even sounds coming from outside my window would unleash my imagination to infinity. I couldnt stop myself, I just stayed there for hours and hours till sun rise when I fall asleep off of the sound of birds singing. Today, not one night passes without falling to sleep without music playing in my ears. Music has become a major part of my life, it moves me. It takes me places where I want to be. Every night, I turn on smooth soothing music that calm me down, I close my eyes and see myself on an island, where birds are singing on a nest above me, waves currents passing through my feet, and the sun shining warming me from cold breezes touching my skin. It's my happy time and place, and no matter how bad my day was, and how depressed I felt, I knew tomorrow the sun would shine again, and a new day with new possibilities is on the way. I felt everything was going to be ok. And I fall asleep like a newly born child.
We are good at noticing all the details that make our life a misery, overlooking all the good things about our life. I wish I could meet you in person and show you how beautitul life can be.
Sometimes, you just need calm down and enjoy the ride.
I stumbled across your post
I stumbled across your post on a site reguarding being bipolar and relationships, and I would like to talk to you more about it if I could. Please e-mail me back, thank you.
I'm not quite sure if it's my
I'm not quite sure if it's my post that you stumbled upon or some one else's, so i'm not if it's directed towards me ...
Either way, If you ever feel like talking to anyone, i'd like nothing more than to share my experiences and stories and hear yours.
In years past I would've met
In years past I would've met the criteria for bipolar disorder but wasn't dxd. Now, maybe Bipolar-NOS but I don't get "depressive phases" except when I go too long without eating and I never have major manic episodes. Through just thinking about how I think and feel and figuring certain things out I've reached a point of chronic positive hypomania. Bipolar disorder has a genetic base, but that base isn't inherently pathological. The way our society is it encourages our inert, natural cognitive type to express itself in pathological ways.
A few things that I've discovered are part of the environmental side of bipolar disorder:
-Irritability at criticism during mania. The genetic factor is we're more emotionally sensitive so we notice it a lot more if someone seems to be critical or dislike our ideas. The environmental factor is our society tries to mold and shape us into people who get hurt by other people's opinions because it makes people easier to control. The solution: Turn not to care about what other people think. No matter what people think you can think and do what you want. A helpful thing to do is imagine a world where everyone hates you and you're intimately aware of this and imagine that you are not emotionally affected by it at all, or better yet imagine feeling flattered by how important everyone must think you are. Imagine that a few minutes everyday and in time criticism won't feel bad, it might even flatter you. Instead of "they're criticizing me, they hate my ideas" think "I must be awfully important for them to take the time and energy to criticize me."
-Depression. Genetic: In manic/hypomanic states we use up energy a lot faster than normal and we "crash" the way people who use stimulants crash. We also don't feel like eating much. Solution: Make sure you get enough to eat. Eat a variety of foods and overtime you'll get a natural "feel" about what makes you feel the best. We have a high creative/empathic intelligence. Instead of trying to "systemize a diet plan" its easier for us to get a "feel".
-Mania. Genetic: Minds process and form concepts very well, allowing us to think of things that could only be communicated in paragraphs or chapters within just a few seconds. All this "energy" if held in too long explodes from merely "hypomania" to "mania". Solution: Find a creative outlet. Find many creative outlets and the energy will remain manageable.
-Psychosis: Our highly imaginative brains are capable of constructing alternative realities and retreating there to escape negativity and stress. So stay away from negativity and don't stress. Don't stress doesn't mean don't do things. Just take a blaise attitude on the outcome(i.e. even if I fail this test or get fired from my job life goes on). Do your best and by best I mean without straining yourself much and not oversacrificing all the other things that are important in life.
-Paranoia: If you notice every possible result of everything and focus on the negative you'll get paranoid. I still get paranoid for a few seconds then ask myself whether the negatives matter or whether they're worth worrying about and usually answer(silently) in the negative and move on focusing on the positive possibilities.
Things that are called pathological that are not:
-Flight of ideas-We're just so good at coming up with concepts and ideas really quickly and finding all the tiny relationships between things that nobody else notices that sometimes we confuse people a little bit.
-Inflated self-esteem-Feeling good about yourself is a bad thing? As long as this "self-esteem" is real "self-esteem" and not based on your "image" or based on a belief in superiority to others(narcissism) then you're fine. There is no such thing as too much self-esteem only true or false self-esteem.
-Decreased need for sleep-Just part of how we operate. But keep in mind what you're going to need to do soon. I know someone else like me who sometimes goes days without sleeping then sleeps for 20 hours. That's fine if you aren't going to have to do anything important at that time but otherwise its good to plan ahead.
-Distractibility-Because our minds pick up on everything. This can cause problems, but this is because everything in society is formatted for the "norm". This is the one case where I sometimes need medication(for ADHD not bipolar, as they overlap at this symptom) but not all the time, just as needed.
Risk-taking: Life is a risk. Really for us its either take a more positive perspective which has lots more risk but also more potential rewards or take a negative, worried perspective which even it keeps us "safe" can only lead to a miserable life. Take risks! If something goes wrong, life goes on. If life doesn't go on, it was going to end someday anyways and at least you had fun while it lasted.
Something I noticed is related: Cluttered speech. Anyone else have this? I tend to mix words up when I talk because I think too fast. I think this is related somehow.
IF you have a strong
IF you have a strong constitution, Bi-polarism is not something to fear; nay, it's something to enjoy. Revel in your depression, friend, and let the darkness speak through you. So few see-- and fewer still can stand the sight. Set creativity as your watchword, alway, and prosper through your own black thoughts. You'll emerge, on the other side, a better man: deeper, wiser, more experienced.
To appreciate Heaven, you must have experienced Hell.
So, deprive yourself of sleep. Smoke cigarettes. Drink. Do whatever it takes to flush out that creative mindset; do whatever it takes to keep your keel above the waterline. And where others refuse to see, trust yourself to History. In short, be natural.
I wish you the best. I descend.
Said like an ignorant fool
Said like an ignorant fool who doesn't know what its like to have a full blown bipolar disorder
@IF you have a strong...
I would hope that anyone reading this, knowing something about bipolar disorder, would recognize the catch-22. Bipolars (myself included) often make the incorrect judgement that they do have strong constitutions when the underlying physical reality of the body is quite different. Mania - even hypomania - can severely skew a person's good judgement.
In other words, if you find yourself attracted to such advice, there's a possibility that you may be attracted to the mania, not the depression. Or a mixed state, which is the closest thing to hell I've ever personally experienced.
After months of choosing to treat my disorder without medication - which is, of course, a valid option - I began a course of medication that has since been adjusted several times in order to find a balance that works for me. It has helped my life stabilize, which has created a solid framework for artistic expression.
And it has probably saved my life - without drying up my creative juices. As a matter of fact, because of the steady practice, they're flowing better than ever.
All of which goes to say, if you're so depressed that you can't function, you're not going to be creative. And if you're so manic you're making poor judgements, you're eventually going to be depressed. So the roller coaster continues. I prefer a more even keel - and so does my muse.
Peace.
~Andi
Hi Andi, i'm bipolar and have
Hi Andi,
i'm bipolar and have only been taking a mood stablizer for a little over year, i cope so much better now, i've think ive found a plateau im happy with, i can still be moody but there pretty mild transient ones compared to before. I've been pondering a lot lately whether Ive lost my creativity, i still feel like a creative person but the urge to make art, draw etc seems to have gone. I'd say ive been on them a year and have done very little, i've been wanting to start collage work but i just sit around drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes listening to music.
I feel like i'd have to force myself if i want to do any art work. I've wondered if its lazyness or the MS's. Ive been trying to read up a lot lately on how meds effect creativity. Depression and mania can inspire you to make so much more, now im relatively stable and content i have little motivation and feel like i dont care in a way, before i drew and made things to express myself, or because i was manic or depressed and drunk and elated etc etc. Now i feel like if im gonna do something its for the sake of doing it or like if i want to make some kind of career out of art, which doesn't feel like true honest expression or in other words its not a personal enough reason to fuel my creativity. I've only been on them a a little over a year though so i guess it ealier days and i may be just lazy. I don't miss been so screwed up. What meds/dosage are you taking? Thanks
reply to J. Chip
Hi J.
I'm really glad you've found some measure of stability. My therapist once told me that I don't need to be on the apogee of a mood swing (high or low) to be creative, and he was perfectly serious when he said it. I went from writing musical arrangements, singing, directing plays, and acting to essentially nothing, kinda like weaning myself off an addiction to perform, which was my enabler for mania and hypomania. I took a breather. A long breather.
Then one spring I started gardening. The next spring I tried playing the fiddle. Neither of these projects went much of anywhere, but I have a lot of lovely if ill-tended perennials around my house and I know a whole lot more about what it takes to play the fiddle - so I don't consider it time wasted.
Then over a year ago I had a wake-up call from an old school acquaintance (see, Facebook is good for something after all) and remembered what I loved to do as a kid, which was writing. I started up again, and let me just say that the urge to create is all very well and good, but unless you have some discipline and commitment to the process, nothing's going to come of it. So most days, whether I feel like it or not, I sit in front of my computer and write. Some of it's crap. Some of it's decent. Some of it, I think, is pretty good. But I can't get to the good stuff without going through the crap, you know? And that process isn't always exciting, but I am committed to this project and to my own identity as a writer. When it clicks, it's awesome, and worth every minute of slogging through the crap.
Bear in mind that I know absolutely nothing about the visual arts. But I would suggest that the creative urge in itself never goes away. What may be missing for you is the initial motivation, the spark that you need to make you sit down at your table and start working. After that, you keep working, without the expectation that your work will be perfect - because it won't be. Don't let that stop you.
Now that I've finished my lecture on creativity, I'll address your original question re: meds. It took almost four years, and a good relationship with my pdoc, to get the "cocktail" right. I take 300 m Lamotrigine, 150 m Bupropion XL, and 20 m Fluoexetine daily (the generic versions of Lamictal - an anti-seizure medication - Wellbutrin, and Prozac, respectively). I was on Lexapro for a long time but it kinda numbed me out and made it impossible for me to lose weight, so the pdoc switched me to Wellbutrin as my main antidepressant, with some Prozac thrown in to deal with PMS (which is just AWFUL). I also tried Abilify and Seroquel, neither of which worked well with my particular brain chemisty. Chalked it up to experience and moved on.
I think that the overall stability the meds give me have actually helped me muddle through the days when I'm not feeling particularly productive, without beating myself up over it and falling into a hopeless pit of depression. I am a creature of habit these days, and picking a certain time of day and a certain place for writing works best for me - although I've been known to pull my car over to write paragraphs and take notes on the stuff going through my head. I do it whether I want to or not. Just an hour, I tell myself. Like exercise, when you tell yourself, ok, just ten minutes, and you end up going for thirty. Sit with yourself and your heart and soul and mind for an hour a day for a week and see what happens. Sketch, journal, stay OFF the internet unless you need it for research.
And hey, if you go anywhere with it, great. If you don't, that's great. I guarantee you'll learn something, one way or the other.
But don't stop creating, even if it's in your own head. Daydreams are awesome, too.
Best of luck to you.
~Andi
@ andi
Hey andi,
I think i might be bipolar and it's really hard to find a psychiatrist in my area. How fast were you getting to see a psychiatrist to going on meds?
@justin
Justin, I was already in therapy at the counseling center where the psychiatrist worked, so I got something of a direct referral from my therapist. So she had a lot of information to start with. Once I met with the pdoc (psychiatrist), she spent about an hour and a half with me in the original interview, which was very thorough. I seem to remember that she gave me a scrip that day for two different medications, one of which you're supposed to start gradually and work up to a full dose. Then we had follow up appointments about every six weeks - part of the med cocktail was a low-dose antidepressant and that can trigger rapid cycling in bipolars, so we had to watch things carefully.
However, I think timeframes might differ between practices and patients, etc. Although I'd be surprised if a psychiatrist wasn't willing to prescribe you something as long as he/she does an accurate assessment and agrees with your suspicions.
Best of luck to you.
~Andi
Of course
This really made sense to me.
I Feel Some Relief When..
I usually feel depressive thoughts and this time i do not like any thing even it was my favorite one. but I feel some relief when i talk anyone and share my thoughts, reading some interesting books or posts like on this website.
More on...'Creative Genius'
I think that both Krishna's article about creativity and the Armstrong's reply hold credence. However, the fake-wikipedia-doctor Armstrong's reply seems to leave no room for any possibility that bipolar has caused creative genious before. Basically, he's talking about clinical tests on people that are in mental hospitals. That is not exactly the most conducive environment for creativity. I bet if you stick anybody in a room with a bunch of reject-psych doctors, apathetic nurses, ignorant volunteers, and weirdo-wackos you wouldn't be able to show much for it either. Take one of those weirdo-wackos and stick them on a beach in Key West and you quite possibly have another Hemmingway.
Perhaps he has never experienced bipolar mania. Basically, it can be like tripping or having a really crazy dream. You are going to have some extremly creative thoughts- whether you want them or not. Also, for all Armstrong's good points, he keeps mentioning "full blown mental illness" which is pretty meaningless as far as I'm concerned. You either have one or you don't. Maybe he's seen one too many movies and thinks you have to be straight out of the cuckoos nest to have a "full blown mental illness." Oh well, you can't beat every stereotype.
I think a misconception is that one cannot channel the creativity into a usable product. I think the issue here is how able the person is before, during, and after. The question is if you take the same person, give one bipolar and not the other, which person will have the most "creativity." Well, if you take the Beatles and you give them acid, this is what you get:
"On Sgt. Pepper, Lennon used the first of many "backward" tapes while tripping in his studio late one night. He even considered having a thousand monks chant in the background. Although this proved unrealistic, it pointed up [sic] Lennon's growing obsession with musical special effects, which would reach an apotheosis on Sgt. Pepper."
Argue all you want about how there is no similarity between tripping and mania but the fact is you change the chemicals in somebody's head, they can become more creative. It is ok to talk about creativity that people may expereience during an epsiode without becoming paranoid about people possibly not taking their medicine. Its just an interesting phenomenon worth talking about.
(so keep taking your meds everybody lol)
My Bipolar Disorder and Lithium Treatment
I was suffering from bipolar disorder but depression is dominant part of my disease.my doctor prescribe me lithium which haven't done much with my problem.
I have gone through this page... living with my biplar disorder was a problem for me.. Now only i know how to get benefits from it.. I have a extra ordinary strength to cope with a problem... So i believe that i can manage myself too... Just relax.. the best tool is to sharing your thoughts as i do most of time.
Thank you all for posting
Thank you all for posting here.
It feels cliche to see so many of the same comments here and add my own to mix. I've felt like I've had this my whole life. Now, when I am confronted for the first time with the specific name of the demon, I don't feel as afraid any more. I feel like over the years, I've developed a personality that can control the beast. I recognize now that behavior, and not thoughts, are the most important act. I've lost 60 pounds during the last 5 months. Everyone is always asking for my secret. I'm not saying I understand it all. My life has only felt some comfortably controlled recently, not so much during the 3 years it took for me to put on the extra 80 pounds. But as has been echoed here, I feel certain that this is something that can be thought out of. Whichever problems it causes me can be identified and corrected through traning. It seems like people take this decision of whether to medicate or not very seriously. I feel certain that I will eventually, just out of curiousity more than anything else, but my main priority is to safeguard what I feel has almost become a friend.
Bipolar-Creative Intuition
Best knowledge for Bipolar Disorder stimulate the poles~
Physical exercise running, swimming ect. When A healthy lifestyle is promoted and the mind is busy through the cycle of the day with constructive activities like Gardening, Cooking, Painting, apposed to Smoking, drinking, sexual activities, Right brain emotions needs stimulation and escape, scenario: A person working as a air traffic controller at any airport under constant pressure and everyday is the same stress, he needs the same amount of allevation to keep his psyci stable, Another example very simple: In nature a flower or plant grows upward naturally because it receive the right amount of stress(Sunlight, wind and gravity)(toughlove)+but without nutrients and water(tenderlove) it cannot grow naturally same with a human being growing up, the right amount of tender love and right amount of tough love promotes spiritual growth, this is evolution, dealing with every day realities needs some form of escape and counter balancing.
There is no end to it......
I have gone through this page... living with my biplar disorder was a problem for me.. Now only i know how to get benefits from it.. I have a extra ordinary strength to cope with a problem... So i believe that i can manage myself too... Just relax.. the best tool is to sharing your thoughts...
Heaven and Hell
I'm 18 woman and have rapid cycling manic depression. I'm a musician/songwriter as well and I was diagnosed a year ago. I also love to do all kinds of arts, such as painting, poetry, writing and theatre. I have been in the biggest downs and even really crazy manias and everything in between. I think manic depression is me and it will always be a part of me. Because of it, I have the strong willpower to carry on whenever normal people would have quit. I have the verbal skills and the courage to say what I want out loud. I have a lot of passion and feelings in life, which is the whole point of living, to experience from emotions to real concrete experiences.
I play in a rock music and that has been my blessing. Whenever I had things rough I always had my bass with me. And I think there is a genuine link between creativity, intelligence and manic depression. And that is also the reason for the isolation that bipolar people experience. The reason why so many bipolar people are the creative geniuses is that real art requires 1) strong emotions 2) to have the real effort to do it (easy in manic phases) 3) skills (which get better after each time). I have noticed myself that in manic phases I actually do play better. But the other side of the coin is that when I'm depressed, I might play even worse than "normally".
I haven't taken my medication for a long long time and I manage better, than with them. Of course it's not for everyone and it may take real effort. Music, new friends, traveling etc. have kept my mind mostly stabilized. I think us bipolar people are the lucky ones in a way. I know I wouldn't have gotten so many great things in life without this. And losing your own identity and feeling completely lost, sometimes gives you a great chance for emotional growth, for a new foundation. So I don't take this as an illness, its a type of a person. I was just born a motorhead. And it's about damn time we start to be proud of it!
Thanks, Veera
And yes I have the balls to put my own name and homepage.
bipolar
I am in the same boat you are. I can write a book about bi-polar if only I knew how.I actually have a mind that races so bad that I came up with an invention idea.I like you stopped my meds.I found that virgin coconut oil helps better than the poison the Drs. are prescribing.I tried the Watson brand budiprion and it made my mind race worse than ever after being told it was better.NOOOOT!GOOD LUCK TO YOU.I ALSO WRITE POETRY BUT USUALLY ONLY IN MY MANIC EPISODES.