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Joining this class was one of the biggest risks I’ve taken with my education. I was already taking an introductory language course, which required meeting every weekday for class, and I was taking a 360 course cluster that required an intense amount of attention and dedication. I had just come from taking three courses the previous Spring semester because I had been on academic probation upon my return from a required semester away from Bryn Mawr. I had been required to take time off because I was unable to complete several of my courses freshman year. From a very early point in my life, I’ve been identified as notoriously unable to finish everything I touch. From a plate of food, to drawings, conversations, papers- to quote my mother, I’ve never been able to “cross the finish-line.” As I’ve grown in my learning, I’ve come to appreciate some of the ways in which I allow myself room to grow, to add, to change and edit myself. However, adding a fifth course, in addition to my course load and my history seemed ludicrous to most of my friends. I persisted because there was something about the idea that I couldn’t let go of in my head. The reasons I spoke about were because I have many requirements to make up because of time off and because I was very interesting in the course subject. Looking back now though, I think I also took this course because I had something to prove- to my friends, my family and myself. I had to push the limits of my capabilities for once, and stop playing safe cards. I needed to know how far I could go, and if I could go further. The only way I could get to know myself better as a learner was to take the risk. After the first class I attended, my determination was cemented. Regardless of whether or not I have been a successful “finisher” this semester, I know it’s been worth the risk.

I loved that I felt like we often grappled with classroom “walls,” physically and metaphorically. I’ve never fit into a traditional classroom. For me, the physical classroom has been most often associated with shame and fear. However, in this course, I was able to safely explore my own and other’s classroom needs. We also had to negotiate the downsides to a classroom without walls; the constant distractions, the cars, the leaf blower, the airplanes. We had to decide what distractions were worth indulging in and which would truly be interrupting our learning.  Being a more divergent thinker, I appreciated the space to bring divergent thinking into our classroom. I also enjoyed the little the community we created. While I was in some ways, comparing the experience to my 360 experience; which was much closer, the community I felt in Ecolit was still much closer then any other course I had participated outside the 360. I’ve always hated the isolated feeling I would get from taking courses with people, seeing them every week but never actually knowing who they were. In this course however, there were many courses that I came and sat down on my blanket ahead of time and invited class members to sit down with me. Some days, the blanket really served as my “connective tissue”- the way I got to form connections with my classmates outside the formalities of class. I brought it on days when it wasn’t even that cold, just incase I would get the opportunity to invite people to sit with me. It was always worth the leaves and ants I brought inside with me after class.

I also felt really connected to many of my collaborative projects in class. The field trip was especially important to me. In the same way I enjoyed sitting outside, the fieldtrip was an important way of pushing on the boundaries of a classroom. I felt very invested in the time I spent working with classmates to construct the opening and beginning part of class. I was able to make connections to my other course, the Rhetoric of Silence, to play with the dynamics of noise and silence. The opening exercise was centered on creating loud noise, both as an energizer and means of expelling any tension, anger and frustration. However, the closing exercise where we silently created an accordion-style poem, was centered on the idea of quiet communion; that we would all participate in creating something without communicating orally to one another. This idea is very powerful for me, especially because there is a sense of subtly and a sense of coming together without the pressure and construction of spoken language. I really enjoyed making these connections from my 360 learning to my ecological learning, especially when making connections through my 360 about race/privilege and ecology. I think this is one of the ways in particular that I was able to contribute to class in a very unique way. These were things I often felt would have gone invisible in many of the texts I was reading, had I not been in the process of learning to look for it throughout my experiences in the 360. This experience of interconnectedness made me feel deeply immersed in my learning. I felt passionate much more often about what I was doing, and much of my more project-based work in both class felt less forced than anything I’ve ever had to work on for a class. As much as I was really happy with these connections, I also felt that in some ways, this was the only way I was accessing the ecolit course. There was a lot of “just ecolit” work that fell by the wayside, such as the observation posts. In this way I don’t feel like I connected to the class. I never felt like I established a love for my sit site the way some people did, and even when I did go to my sit sites I never felt like I was able to “come up” with anything to show for it. I always felt like I was forcing myself to forge a connection, to make meaning out of the time I spent observing from my sit site. I was jealous of the amazing creative works that came from people who made these connections with their sit sites. In many ways, I did not feel as though my experience in this class was traditionally ecological. I felt like I could have given more attention to environmental issues and activism, the way I was involved in activism during the 360.

I think something else I’ve really grown into is playing the believe/doubt game. I’ve always been more of a middle-ground thinker but sometimes it feels like academia is more measured in criticism. I definitely had been jumping initially to criticism when reading some of these texts and I have learned to slow down and play the believe/doubt game instead. Despite some of my criticisms, I think Timothy Morton’s text was one of my favorites, along with An Unspoken Hunger and the Lives of Animals. I think I was drawn to a certain unconventionality they had, both in writing style and in content. There were a couple readings that truly frustrated me, especially the Economic essay. I felt like I had no understanding or access of anything she was describing, even though I really wanted to understand something I felt is deeply connected to environmental issues.

Despite feeling disconnect with certain aspects of the course, overall I felt really invested in a lot of what we did. There many times I felt genuinely fulfilled from my learning, reading and connections. Participating in this course gave me access to something that I usually don’t have access to; in a lens I was comfortable using. As an English Major, I was able make connections through language and poetry, and through close reading. I feel as though my scope of learning has broadened to encompass so many intersecting points. I can’t clearly say where the edges of my learning lie. There are many things I learned that are currently impacting the way I think, such as the intersections between social justice issues and environmental issues. However, there are also things I have learned that will probably remain dormant, until a month from now or a year from now, some new learning will reignite whatever is hidden, giving it new meaning or relevance to me. I will always be learning, whether I am aware of it or not. I have a feeling I will never be finished, even though the semester is over. It is too important to me not to close the door on what might come if I remain choose to remain unfinished, choose to open myself up for change.