What am I thinking?

Where are my thoughts? To be honest, my thoughts are telling me that I dislike this assignment because it is actually requiring me to think, hard, rather than just regurgitating information, quotes, or an analysis of the reading. My thoughts are that I would rather be studying for the LSATs, which I take on Saturday, instead of sharing my thoughts with the world.

But since I must, because I have not, yet, disconnected myself from the hierarchical patriarchy of logos that is academia, I will write and we shall see what my body puts forth in an attempt to brighten my dark continent.

When I first entered the class in the beginning of September, I had a vague notion of what I believed feminism was and what it meant to me. All of those notions flew out the window pretty quickly. Any one of the readings we have done has consecutively blown up any new thoughts and ideas I had developed based on the previous readings. Now, a month into the semester, I am not sure where my feelings or thoughts lie.
I did not understand much of Sosnoski’s writing; I found it too convoluted. Yet, he opened my eyes to aspects of the academic world that I was vaguely aware of but not entirely familiar. I knew that the academic community, much like the rest of the world, based itself on competition, but I had never heard it phrased in the way Sosnoski presented it. In fact, he has made me question the reasons why I participate in this academic life of falsificity. Perhaps even more astonishing, he has made me seriously, seriously consider not writing this paper. Why I am writing it right now, I am not even sure. Regardless, Sosnoski’s essay made me appreciate Bryn Mawr and our academic honour code even more than I already do. I love that Bryn Mawr encourages a non-competitive atmosphere. I love that students here are, for the most part, content to work on their personal best, striving to achieve personal goals. It had never occurred to me, though, that this principle which is a cornerstone of our academic and social lives here at Bryn Mawr, finds its roots in anti-patriarchal theory. Is that the case? Do we have an academic honour code in an effort to “feminize” academia? If that were the case, then why do we need to write papers, have grades, allow our intelligence and our ability to be qualified? Why does this aspect of academia deserve to be maintained? After considering these questions, I have come to the conclusion that my writing has continued because of two things: Fear and Cixous. Fear plays the leading role in this mini-melodrama. I am afraid that if I don’t write this paper I might find myself ridiculed or chastised. Worse, I might have a lower grade at the end of the semester, which, in addition to broadening my mind and my knowledge of the world, is a concern. Then we encounter Cixous who enforces a completely opposite stand point in that women should write, must write, in order to combat the patriarchy. Abstaining from it does not help; we must reject the very notions that have been used for centuries to subjugate women, project the anti-logos and emerge as the fully formed, natural woman she wants us to be. One unafraid of her natural instincts, thoughts, urges. Untouched by male dominance, a virgin form of woman, a rejection of the oppressor. So, in order to conform to her ideas of feminism, what is necessary to gain equality, I write.

This is perhaps where my confusion lies. So many new and conflicting theories and ideas have been pitched at me in rapid succession and I cannot catch them all. I feel discombobulated and frustrated with the fact that I do not know which way to turn. Which method is right? Knowing what I know now, how do I proceed? Do I form a community of women in which, like the Amazons, we depend on men for nothing but sperm? How do we amicably or unpleasantly live in co-existence with our oppressor? How do we reconcile the men we love with ‘the enemy’? Our fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends are all a part of the system which subjugates us. And this is not to say that our mothers, sisters, girlfriends aren’t a part of the problem either. Women participate in the hierarchy just as much as our male counterparts. So how do we change? Writing our bodies cannot be the only answer. Perhaps making people aware of the system of subjugation and its effect on women. But, if education is the key, how do we reach people who are not ready to learn?
As I think is the case with most expansions of knowledge, I am left with more questions now than before and am trying to figure out where it all fits together. If that is even possible.