December 16, 2015 - 14:14
The inception of this semester brought with it apprehension, anxiety and a feeling of being lost. Had I made the right decision? Would I fit in? Would I live up to the expectations my friends and family had of me?
In my first ESEM class, I felt exceedingly pressured, like I had to say something, even when I did not really have anything to say, and when I did come up with something to say, I would be questioned about every aspect of my answer. I began to come to the classes with this feeling of dread, of being put on the spot and being analyzed about every thing I said. However, things began to change once I attended my first conference; it gave me a safe place to talk not only about my academic concerns, but also those about other aspects of my life. Gradually I began to realize that I was only being pushed to express more in class, not to be scrutinized, but to be part of a shared experience that would manifest its advantages only if I opened myself to it.
Thus, I began participating more in class discussions, engaging in them whenever I had something to say, without fear of being judged or saying the wrong thing. Along with class participation, I also began to think more critically and make connections between the readings. I realized that by sharing ideas in class, was just as important as putting two texts in conversation with each other, analyzing points of contradiction and confirmation, and viewing them through the lens of my own experiences. As we progressed, I began to learn about various other experiences, and I began to see that other perspectives were just as important as my own, whether they validated my take on things or opposed them. I began to realize the advantage of being in a class with people from all kinds of backgrounds and formations, and find potential links that connected me with not only these people in class, but also with the environment.
Indeed, the last few texts especially opened my eyes about the role of the natural environment in my life, a notion that I had not contemplated upon prior to this class. The text about plants and our class discussion made me cognizant of all my childhood memories that had revolved around nature, and this took me back to one of the first postings about childhood play; and I began to see the connections from a complete different perspective. However, there were some instances, where readings left me unsettled, perplexed and helpless. The article by Teju Cole and Latour left me wondering what role I could play as an individual. Despite purporting ideas about constellational thinking, Cole admitted using a phone which was produced at the cost of so many practices that he stood up against. But could he survive without a phone? This led me to question whether the only true solution to all our environmental and societal problems would be to recede to a hermetic existence, where we would not have a negative impact on any one around us? And even that might hurt people close to us.
I guess the only thing we can do, which is what I have taken from this class, is to do our best and be as conscientious as possible. Before making a decision, we should be aware of all its possible repercussions and even though it might be hard at times, and we might fall short, it is all that we can do. Apart from this, I have learnt a great many things that would enable me to have a better academic experience. Instead of having to have a decisive opinion at all times, sometimes it is best to be open to some thinking, and to use assignments as a medium for fleshing out thoughts and really think about things instead of choosing the thing I know best and writing a dull paper about that. I also realized that although it is nice to be goal oriented, sometimes it is nice to not have a clear cut expectation since the beginning and instead being open to things taking their own course, both in class and outside of it.