Talking in (a HIgh School/College) Class

As I go through my sophomore year here at Bryn Mawr, I've been finding myself constantly making comparisons about my experiences in high school and Bryn Mawr. My high school was a great place and I know I recieved an exceptional education there, but right now I can't help but feel like I've been wronged in terms of how I had to learn things, as if I didn't have any other options to choose from. I've been slowly coming to the realization about why I began to lose interest in classes where the subject I once used to love seemed to be working against me. English used to be my favorite and best subject (perhaps it was my favorite because I was good at it) in elementary and middle school. I loved reading and writing because I was able to use my imagination and I could be creative. But when I took AP Lang and AP Lit in high school, I was miserable. Both of my teachers were wonderful people but I would always get this sinking feeling in my stomach when I stepped into their classrooms because of how difficult of a subject English was becoming to me. I felt rejected, rejected because the subject that I had enjoyed the most was now helping me realize how weak of a student I actually was. A particular activity that helped me feel this way was the Socratic Seminar. Half of the students would sit in a circle and have a discussion about the text and ask each other open-ended questions while their partners (who were sitting outside of the circle) tallied the number of the times their partners were speaking. It was my worst nightmare.

In Tompkins article, she discusses how "in the course of doing what her teachers wanted, [she] became a talker in class" (62). I wish I could say the same thing. I don't know why it was/still is such a problem for me. It's so frustrating that it won't come naturally to me and Tomkins described exactly how I felt in Socratic Seminars: "The feeling of total effacement (and invisibility) when someone else is doing all the talking and you can't think of anything to say would come over me very strongly sometimes..." (64). I just couldn't think of anything to say, even with the 15 minutes our teacher gave us to prepare questions and points to talk about. I think I was just too busy hyperventilating over the fact that I would fail the class if I didn't speak up. Instead of listening to what other people were saying and asking, I was too busy rehearsing what I was going to say. "Just give one tally mark, one!" I silently begged my partner who was sitting behind me, who was probably wondering why I wasn't getting into the conversation. Of course, the talkative people spoke and they got their participation points, and just like Tomkins, "I am feeling smaller and smaller, less and less substantial. I feel if I don't move or say something soon, I'll just disappear" (64).

I think I still struggle with speaking up in college but it's not as difficult as it was speaking up in high school. Are we not doing the same thing in class - actively discussing the texts we were assigned? What are we doing here that makes it slightly easier for me to speak up? I didn't become a braver, confident student overnight, did I?