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Asexuality as a Human Sexual Orientation

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Biology 202
2006 Second Web Paper
On Serendip

Asexuality as a Human Sexual Orientation

Jessica Engelman

Only in the past few years has the public in general accepted homosexuality and bisexuality as genuine sexual orientations (although debates over cause, morality, and status in society continue), but now another orientation is being proposed: asexuality. What is it, and is it really a sexual orientation, determined before birth like heterosexuality or homosexuality are now theorized to be? Traditionally, "asexual" referred to the reproduction of simplistic organisms (amoebas, primitive worms, fungi, etc.) or in humans to a lack of sexual organs or an inability to feel/act sexually due to disability or other condition. However, the new proposed definition for "asexual" presents it as a (human) sexual orientation, following that if heterosexuality is attraction to the opposite sex, homosexuality is attraction to the same sex, bisexuality is attraction to both, asexuality is attraction to neither sex. An exact definition has not been officially set, so most "experts" in the area reference AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network): "a person who does not experience sexual attraction." This is not to be confused with chastity, which is a choice to not act upon sexual urges (for asexuality to be an orientation it must be innate, not a choice). Even this definition is slightly incomplete; AVEN implicitly indicates asexuality only refers to lack of sexual attraction to another person. (1) The reason I cite a non-academic website (AVEN is actually an online community for asexuals devoted to providing opportunities for these previously isolated individuals to interact and promote awareness about asexuality) and put "experts" in quotes is that the subject of human asexuality has received almost no academic attention, nor in literature, nor by society, and only in the past few months has it become a hot topic in the media. In just the end of March/beginning of April 2006 segments on asexuality were featured on CNN, 20/20, MSNBC, and even Fox News. This recent interest has sparked some notice from researchers, but asexuality isn't as clear-cut as the other three "recognized" orientations.

Turns out, there are many shades of asexuality. Initially, AVEN used a system of classification with the letters A, B, C, and D. Type A has a sex drive (a drive for all but sex, such as kissing and stroking), but no romantic attraction, type B has romantic attraction but no sex drive, type C has both, and type D has neither. They no longer use this system as it became too limiting, but it does highlight the possible differences between any two asexuals. There are some who are thoroughly repulsed by sex (having it, watching it in a movie, thinking about it, even mention of it), while there are also individuals who just find it unappealing or boring (like washing dishes—if it has to be done you put up with it, but it's something you'd rather not spend your time doing). There are those who have no interest in dating or forming anything beyond friendship, while some asexuals date, fall in love, and even marry. Often, these "romantic asexuals" do engage in activities such as kissing, cuddling, and petting. Asexuals even date and marry sexuals who are willing to abstain from sex, have less sex, or have it with another sexual. Most asexuals still have emotional needs and form relationships to satisfy these, contradicting their stereotype of being frigid or misanthropic. Often romantic asexuals will describe themselves as being asexual-heterosexual, asexual-homosexual, asexual-bisexual, or asexual-asexual indicating their romantic orientation (which gender they're non-sexually attracted to).

Many asexuals appear to be in fine physical condition, indicating abnormal hormone levels or dysfunctional gonads are not the primary cause for the orientation. The idea is that asexuals may still experience physical arousal but perhaps their brains somehow do not connect it to the act of sex. Because of this, some asexuals masturbate in lieu of sex with another person (although their experience of masturbation may be different from that of sexuals); this can also be classified as being autosexual. However, there are also some asexuals who do not have a defined gender, due to physical deformities or discrepancies between their "physical gender" and their "mental gender." Although the title "asexuality" is fairly broad, it usually does not include bestiality, paraphilia, and other so-called "fetishes."

Why this sudden emergence of asexuality? During the Victorian era, marriage was generally expected and strongly encouraged, but with the belief that abstinence would be upheld in the relationship except with the explicit purpose of procreation. These ideals continued at least in part into the 20th century until they were abruptly disrupted by the sexual revolutions of the 60s and 70s. This period of presumed purity worked fairly well for asexuals, especially for those seeking a romantic partner, since even women were (sometimes) socially permitted to refuse their husband's requests for sex. However, any sexual activities or preferences deemed "unnatural" were stiffly condemned (in England homosexuality was punishable by hanging, imprisonment, or as in Oscar Wilde's case years of hard labor), so any individuals fitting the definition of asexual would not try to bring attention to their "problem." In the time between the introduction of liberal views on sex in the 60s to modern day the world seems obsessed with sex. To go one day in America without running into sex would require sealing oneself in a room containing only the Winnie the Pooh book series, and that is under the assumption that the individual would not think of sex spontaneously. When nearly every television show, movie, magazine, newspaper, novel, most songs, and even academic texts contain mention of sex, dating, or some other form of sexual attraction, asexuals feel extremely isolated from the rest of humanity. Only recently have asexuals (in addition to people with sexual "abnormalities," "fetishes" etc.) been able to find others like them and form communities over the Internet—there are many older individuals on who married and/or had sex out of social obligation and just assumed there was something wrong with them when they didn't enjoy it.

Considering the word about asexuality has gotten out to the general public only in the past few weeks, most of the population doesn't understand and some don't believe in asexuality. One female asexual compiled a list of things people have said to her when she told them she's asexual, including: "you hate men," "you have a hormone problem (why don't you just fix it?)," "you are afraid of getting into a relationship," "you were sexually abused as a child," "you are a lesbian," "you just haven't met the right guy," "did you just get out of a bad relationship?" She thoroughly refutes all of these (no, she's not a lesbian, she was treated just fine as a kid, it has nothing to do with previous guys or not meeting "Mr. Right"), but clearly portrays the stubbornness many asexuals find in others who aren't willing to believe he/she has no libido. (2) Although "coming out of the closet" is arguably much safer for asexuals than for homosexuals (it's unlikely they'll be fired, discriminated against, or tied to a fence and beaten to death), female asexuals do face an increased threat of rape. Sexual males often tell them (jokingly or seriously) that they just "haven't had me in bed" or see asexual females as "challenges," and sometimes forcefully try to prove their point. However, most asexuals say their friends and family are supportive (or at least have let up on pressuring them to date/marry).

Asexuality also finds critics in psychologists, sexual therapists, and even the religious (who are usually fairly accepting of asexuality due to its similarity with chastity, which is revered or at least respected in many religions). The psychoanalysts Hansen de Almeida and Brajterman Lernen state that "there is no such thing as asexuality, which is only an omnipotent fantasy to have both sexes." (3) Dr. Joy Davidson, a certified sex therapist featured on 20/20's segment on asexuality, believes asexuality is predisposed by physiological, psychological or experiential factors leading to asexuals' "shutting down the possibility of being sexually engaged." She also expresses worry that asexuals are labeling themselves "sexually neutered," resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy. (4) The specialist chosen for CNN's piece, Dr. Laura Berman, was a little more accepting of the idea of asexuality, but warns that it shouldn't be confused with intimacy or relationship issues. Since many asexuals are self-diagnosing themselves from information gathered from the Internet, it is certainly possible that a large portion of asexuals are not truly asexual, but rather have other issues with symptoms similar to asexuality. (5) A variety of diseases and physical ailments can result in reduced sexual drive, including spinal chord injuries, pituitary disorder, schizophrenia, and other neurological conditions. (6) If misdiagnosed as asexuality, warnings such as a non-existent or low sex-drive might be missed and underlying conditions left untreated. AVEN recommends newcomers as a general rule of thumb having at least hormone levels checked, just in case, but especially for those who used to have a sex drive. Finally, Nantais and Opperman write in the Christian magazine Vision that "Question: What do you call a person who is asexual? Answer: Not a person. Asexual people do not exist. Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity. Those who repress their sexuality are not living as God created them to be: fully alive and well." (7) Here, they clearly assume asexuality is sexual repression, rather than an inherent and complete lack of sexual desire.

Most of what is known about asexuality is really an educated guess or supposition; otherwise there would be some way to respond to the skeptics. So what research has been done on asexuality? There are several recorded instances of animals that refuse to mate, such as lab rats. A study on Mongolian gerbils showed that part of a population of male gerbil fetuses that developed between two female fetuses refused to mate, but instead spent almost 50% more time taking care of the young than male gerbils who as fetuses were positioned between two other males. They were also about 30% more likely to stay with a nest when the mother had left. This suggests that, although not perpetuating their own genes, they helped perpetuate their sisters' genes, which has evolution benefits for at least half that family's genes. These "asexual" male gerbils had on average half the level of circulating testosterone and 50% smaller bulbocavernosus muscles compared to the gerbils who had been between two males as fetuses. As male gerbils become violent when placed together, there was no way to tell if these asexual gerbils weren't actually homosexual instead, but the study still indicates that there are mammals that refuse to reproduce due to natal conditions. (8) Another study done on rams showed that besides the population of rams readily willing to mate with females, there was also a subset of rams who mounted other rams, and another subset that refused to mate at all. The asexual rams had testosterone levels comparable with those of the heterosexual rams, exogenous testosterone treatments did not prompt them to mate, and so the researchers concluded neither hypogonadism nor basal androgen concentrations caused the rams to exhibit asexual behaviors. However, when anesthetized, the homosexual and asexual rams had higher levels of cortisol concentration than the heterosexual ones. The researchers noted, "the endocrine response to anesthesia is most likely mediated through the central nervous system, the present results indicate that functional differences exist between the brains of rams that differ in sexual behavior expression and partner preference." (9) Since scientists have already noted that the brain of homosexual men is structurally different from that of heterosexual men (cell structure of gay mens' hypothalamus more closely resembles that of a heterosexual female's), that the asexual brain may too be structurally different should not be too easily dismissed. The existence of animal displays of asexuality run contradictory any suggestions that asexuality is a problem caused by psychological issues such as fear of commitment, or conscious/unconscious repression of sexuality, as animals are presumed to be incapable of both, although this rests upon the assumption that asexuality has the same cause in humans and animals.

There have been very few studies about asexuality in humans, most of which were about the stereotype that disabled people are made asexual as a result of their condition. One of the only studies that looks at asexuality as a possible orientation was actually a reexamination by Anthony F. Bogaert of a survey of 18,000 British about general sexuality and STDs. 1.05% of the respondents to the survey reported "I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all," very close to the 1.11% who responded they were homosexual or bisexual, although more women tended to be the former than the later, and more men tended to be the later than the former. Bogaert noted this asexual group to have poorer health, shorter stature, less body weight, higher attendance at religious services, lower socio-economic status, and asexual women had a later onset of menarche, all when compared to sexual people. Although these are only correlations, they may help form later hypothesis about the cause of asexuality, and whether asexuality is a valid orientation at all. Bogaert suggests some of his own. Perhaps the factors affecting height growth and weight gain also affected a region of the brain vital to sexuality, or education or other resources dependent on socio-economic status are somehow vital in sexual development, or maybe asexuals had fewer "sexual conditioning" experiences growing up (i.e. masturbation) which might also explain the high proportion of women and religious (both groups are less likely to masturbate). Youth, however, was not correlated with asexuality, indicating these individuals were not merely "late bloomers;" asexuals actually tended to be older. Major limitations to the study, besides being merely correlative and not actually about asexuality, include its high non-response bias (30%) and its face-to-face style of interviewing (which may have pressured individuals to alter their answers). However, the study does contain enough correlative evidence to warrant future research in the area. (6)

If asexuality is indeed determined to be a genuine sexual orientation, and even if it isn't, it greatly alters the way scientists and the public think about sex and sexual drive. On the social side, it shows that relationships do exist without sex and that love and sex may be mutually exclusive. It also changes the picture of the stereotypical "asexual." For women, this is a chaste, yet often motherly, figure of purity, such as the Christian Virgin Mary or the Greek goddess Artemis; or contradictorily the strong-minded and masculine woman who cannot admit her sexual or emotional attractions or lose her strength, such as Joan of Arc or Utena from the Japanese television series Shoujo Kakumei Utena. For men, this is a cold, calculating, overall emotionless or suppressed, yet often resourceful and intelligent individual, such as the Vulcan Spock from Star Trek or Sherlock Holmes (who keeps in character even in "Scandal in Bohemia" where he has his only "love affair" with a woman). (10) On the research side, future research projects may consider forming an additional "asexual" category when conducting studies relating to sex (Cott et all do this in their study on post-traumatic stress disorder and child sexual abuse and found significant differences between self-labeled asexual and sexual groups). (11) But perhaps most importantly, future research and consideration of asexuality may greatly upset the current one-dimensional continuum of sexuality, with exclusively homosexual on one end and exclusively heterosexual on the other end. Already psychologists are making this continuum two-dimensional, allowing for level of sex drive in addition. However, this too may become too limiting to describe the spectrum of human sexuality, requiring additions of third and even fourth dimensions (possible, although not particularly practical) to this continuum, perhaps recognizing need for sexual connection vs. need for emotional connection. In the meanwhile, until there is more biological and psychological information about asexuality, scientists and the public both might ease the use of limiting categories such as "gay" or "straight" and thus perhaps eliminate two categories upon which sexuality has traditionally hinged: right and wrong.




(1) Asexuality Visibility and Education Network

(2) Nonsexuality Rant

(3) Gender identity: Its importance in the psychoanalytic practice. A theoretical view / Identidade de genero: Sua importancia na pratica analitica. Uma visao teorica. Hansen de Almeida, Rui, Brajterman Lernen, Rosely C., Revista Brasileira de Psicanalise. Vol 33(3) 1999, 485-494.

(4) ABC's 20/20 – March 23, 2006

(5) CNN's Showbiz Tonight – April 5, 2006

(6) Asexuality: prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample

(7) Eight Myths about Religious Life

(8) Why some male Mongolian gerbils may help at the nest: testosterone, asexuality, and alloparenting

(9) Relationship of serum testosterone concentrations to mate preference in rams

10) Wikipedia entry on asexuality

11) Ethnicity and sexual orientation as PTSD mitigators in child sexual abuse survivors

Note: due to the lack of official literature on asexuality, much of the information about asexuals in this paper came from websites and forums such as AVEN's community board, Wikipedia (although I personally cross-referenced information gotten from there), comments mae by asexuals themselves, and speaking with a Bryn Mawr student who identifies herself as asexual, hence an overall lack of direct citations in the paper.

Additional Readings and Viewings:

Feature: Glad to be Asexual
Study: One in 100 Adults Asexual
ABC's The View – January 16, 2006
MSNBC's The Situation with Tucker Carlson – March 28, 2006
Fox News's Day Side – April 3, 2006



Comments made prior to 2007

I just read the paper on asexuality by Jessica Engelman, and I must say it was very well done. I am asexual myself, and people are very ill-informed on this subject, so when I tell them I am asexual, they are mostly like "What does that mean?". I am only 15, so many people say,"Oh, you just haven't met the right man" (not woman: they don't even think I could possibly be lesbian). I say on those occasions, "Maybe you're right, I am pretty young, but I have never had a serious crush on anyone. Ever. In my whole life." Your article is very non-biased and professional. Thank you for doing such a fantastic job, and keep up the good work! ... Emma, 25 January 2007


Serendip Visitor's picture

Young Asexuals Exist

"Youth, however, was not correlated with asexuality, indicating these individuals were not merely "late bloomers;" asexuals actually tended to be older." It's worth noting that it's possible that youth was not corelated with asexuality, because this term isn't popular and a lot of people never ever heard about asexuality to begin with. It would mean that they usually learn about asexuality when they are much much older and it's when they finally identify themselves as asexuals. For example: I was asexual long before I even knew what asexuality is, but before that I identified myself as bisexual. I learned about asexuality when I was already at the university from my friend. When we talked I figured out that I was probably asexual even before I hit puperty, but I simply never knew about that and so it was the reason why I identified as bisexual (now I identify as biromantic asexual). But to be sure about that, we would have to do a lot good sociological studies about this topic in the community.

Serendip Visitor's picture

An excellent paper that delves into a minefield

I wrote in yesterday and mistakenly attributed the very well written and informed paper as a blog, so please duly note the correction.

I wish to express that asexuals are, I think, quite sensitive about being "erased" by those outside the community that are "informed" but are skeptical or dismissive: that those who self-identify are delusional or that more mildly comparatively question the legitimacy of asexuality as an orientation. They have every right to these viewpoints. But, for me, as a self-identified asexual, it is not a distant matter of intellectual debate. It is a deeply felt existential reality in which there is a very difficult (what I view - not so surprising considering the story I relayed yesterday - as all but impossible) to walk bridge in interaction with the sexual world. Sexuals have different expectations as to the contours - substance - of intimacy. Intimate relations between sexuals are wrought with so many challenges in maintenance of health and happiness, not to mention an asexual-sexual relationship, where, I believe, the latter's polar union can acutely degenerate to a nightmarish state without communication - capacity that far outstrips the need within a relationship between sexuals. Considering my own injurious experience, I am highly skeptical of asexuals who tout the elixir of compromise as a lubricant that can yield satisfaction in intimate relations with sexuals. If there is even the slightest weakness in the willingness/capability to communicate (resistance to openness: contrarily, a transcendent fearlessness required) between the partners, the possibility for things to sour quickly - sometimes irrevocably - is extremely high indeed.

Connecting the aforementioned, and what was conveyed yesterday, in regard to the sensitive subject of rape, it does a great disservice to making the iniquity rare - or can one dare dream the utopia of eradication - when it is not recognized (implicitly or explicitly; by design or not; innocently and/or delusionally) that anyone can be a rapist and anyone can be raped. As a male asexual rape casualty I am admittedly hypersensitive - so please forgive, Ms. Engelman - to cultures (the world) that are overwhelmingly oblivious to the fact that there are men that not only don't wish sex but resist or try to avoid it (which in context of your generalized report on asexuality laudably made evident), and there are men who can be raped not only by other men (which seems to becoming socially recognized) but by women as well. The increasing profile of asexuality will lead many out of the wilderness - out of the bewildering self-delusional closet. The breaking of the confining mold of who are capable of perpetrating and being on the receiving end of sexual assault, of commonly held notions that are rectified and transformed by all of the perceived anomalous, will dispel the fictions of domination and exploitation and slowly produce societies not based on myths of violation but realities. The perplexing complexity of truth that embraces the deemed (by convention) surreal is the defining road of sweet freedom, of liberation.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Male asexuals are also vulnerable to rape

The blog notes, I think, correctly that female asexuals are especially susceptible to rape. I think, though, that it is not wise (because, by omission, it ignores/reinforces the harmful stereotype that men cannot be raped) to descriptively specify "female." Why not just say asexuals (both male and female) are more vulnerable to being violated. As note, I have tried to relay in a way that hopefully will not disturb readers - that would not demand a trigger warning.

I point this out because I am a 55 year old asexual man who was raped by his wife. We both were married for the first time when I was nearly 49 and she 7 years younger. I expressed to her before marriage that "I wasn't much interested in sex." In response, she said she felt the same way. We never had sex before marriage. It was two months into the marriage before we had sex, upon her initiation, in which I was less than enthused about the prospect. Without going into a lot of detail, this first act launched a very dysfuctional dynamic, where she would plead/initiate and manipulate in various ways for sex and I would do all I could to avoid it. I would inform her I just wasn't interested - in actuality, it would have more accurate to say that it was a bit more than disinterest, more to the degree of aversion. I would lie on my back like a dead fish (not move a muscle unless she begged me to do something, in which I would obligingly respond with barely noticeable anemic pelvic thrusts, hoping that would suffice (I would not be bothered with what I considered as demands)) and turn my head sharply to the side and close my eyes. If not this total disengagement, I would ask her if we could keep the TV on during the act. I would try to view the screen over her shoulder in order to help dissociate while she went about IT (sex). One time, I fell asleep during the middle of IT. I have such awful memories of having IT in the morning before breakfast in response to her pleadings. I would be starving (as I invariably am in the mornings). During the act, I would complain to her how hungry I was, that couldn't we stop, in which she would express her wish for conducting IT longer and continue unabated. It was very painful, to the point where the growls were insanely loud, my stomach gnawing to the point of numbness. It was so eerie. She would be so excited during IT, and I so deadened by the experience. About a quarter of a century earlier, I had looked up the word "asexual in Webster's (before the internet and about the same time the personal computer made its debut) in my mid 20s and found it only defining the word as a reproductive reality found in life forms like the amoeba. I disheartingly closed the dictionary and closeted the truth of my sexual orientation for another 25 years of unsatisfying heterosexual relationships where I didn't reflect on my feelings, and dreaded (or, at best, being more or less bored by IT) sexual relations, but felt it was the price you paid for companionship, emotional closeness. Anyway, fast forward to the sad slavish experience that had become my marriage, I returned not to Webster's but to the informational connecting power of the internet and plugged the word "asexual" into Google and the scales fell from my eyes. I discovered AVEN and immediately formally identified with the orientation. I had found a very comfortable descriptive home - my truth. I informed my wife of my search, formally identifying, reflected to her over the coming months deeply and honestly about everything - thoughts, feelings, past, present, all. I said I thought it would be best we divorce and asked her what she thought of that. She reacted strongly against divorce. On coming out as asexual and all else regarding coming to that explicit realization, she was disturbingly quiet. I emphasized it was me, not her. Anyway, to cut to the chase, she continued to pursue me sexually, while I desperately avoided without actually saying "No." I was, indeed, rather frightened to say no because of possible reaction, ignoring it... She hadn't been paying attention to my feelings/desires up to the present... Anyway, I did finally say "NO!" very loudly one night and turned away from her strongly upon her attempt to mount me. It was an impulsive reaction. I had come to my breaking point. I had never seen her so angry and emotional. She leaped out of bed, tears flowing, and berating me for rejecting her desire. The very next night she tried again. I said "no" to her in a pathetically whining meek voice. She ignored my plea and continued to mount me and engage in the act. I had never felt so much anger in my life, like a flow of molten lava coursing through my veins and engulfing my soul. At the same time, a bitter sadness intermingled with the emotional volcano I had become. I confronted her the next morning and told her point blank that she had raped me. She responded with denial, men can't be raped, that she had a right to sex in context of marriage, and finally that what she had done was done out of love. Upon my inquiry, she said she might have done it because she thought I would change (a sort of corrective rape, I suppose, that it would change me: that I would end up liking IT).

The aftermath has been devastating. Kissing - never got much from it. Now, I avoid it like the plague, and when she insists, I wipe my mouth vigorously afterwards. Hugs, which I used to enjoy, before being begged - relentlessly pursued, manipulated - into sex. Now, embraces are robotic, grudging, mechanical, when she asks for them. After crying rape though, blessedly, no more sex. The one time she plead for it, I closed the approach/possibility down quickly and unequivocally. The anger and hatred I hold within me is just so overwhelming that it defies any words. It is eating away at any human compassion I may possess. Regardless of her claim that she will commit suicide if I leave, I told her I must, I will. As of this coming summer, I will be leaving, to fly back across the Atlantic, to my home country, to pursue (a Masters degree) and engage in counseling. To trod the long road of healing and serving others suffering and damaged. What else is there to do but to transform the lemons of experience into lemonade of deep delving understanding and caring assistance to others likewise traumatized.

cassandra's picture

I'm only fifteen so I could

I'm only fifteen so I could in fact be just a "late-bloomer" but I don't really think that I am. I have dated people, of course no sex but I personally think it's because I don't want to. It's as simple as that, even if I would think long term of having sex in my 20s, I just don't want to because it's something I don't think I would find joy out of. I know I was never really one for romantic things either. I've had boyfriends who would send me poems about how much they cared about me, but I never really felt effected by it in a good way and only annoyed that it was all he would send me. I always thought, "How are we supposed to have a conversation when you send those things?" Of course I have some hormones, but they're not strong and I find myself rather pushing them away. I've been very confused on this all because at a time I thought I was a lesbian because I didn't find comfort in men. Although I support homosexuals 100% I don't feel comfortable being a lesbian myself, and I feel as if it's just not for me. I've had both genders like me, and of course I'm happy they like me but I don't think about normal things a girl my age would when it comes to those things like going to prom with them, or going on a date with them, I don't imagine anything like that. For a long time I never wanted to get married either, I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, but I also don't want to be strung out there for everyone. There was a long time I thought about just displaying myself as 'taken' just so people wouldn't "ask me out". I've thought about myself being asexual for a long time, I've never really told anybody but a couple of friends, and only joked about it with one of my older sisters. I feel like I'm misunderstood about it, and I feel like these people are just judging me without listening to my story. Sometimes I feel as if there is something wrong with me because I don't find these things enjoyable. I'd rather just have a friend to spend time with, I'd rather have a friend where every weekend we go to the theatre, or someone to talk to about myself or events happening to me throughout the day. Although I do strongly feel that guys try to convince me to date them, and they want to prove to me that I will like them. I've never said I felt like I was asexual to a guy before, only said that I simply didn't want to date them because I didn't want to date anyone at that moment. I also feel like because I have dated people in the past it might be hard for others to understand because they will say "well you dated someone before so you're clearly not asexual". Teenage years are the years for all the different phases and experimenting, and I feel like I'm still experimenting and trying to figure out who I am. When talking to my friend about it I just eventually say that I don't want to be classified under something and that I'd rather just be who I am. Although the real struggle is with my (step) parents because they claim that my feelings will change once I am an adult. I say to them that I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have kids until later in life (30s). They always say that my feelings will change and they thought the same thing at my age and look where they are now. I don't feel like it'll change, though. In this case, I guess I just have to wait and see if it will change. At the moment though, I could be either a "late-bloomer" or an asexual girl, but I would rather lean towards asexual.

Amy 1947's picture

My husband is 70 and we just

My husband is 70 and we just found out not to many years ago that he was 100% asexual. We have no children because he never ever wanted sex with me. We did it once 47 years ago and then nothing, he never slept with me and he has always lived in our basement. He said he wanted to be alone all the time. He only associates with people when he has to. He also just worked and made good money but had very little interaction with coworkers. Were to old now for sex and he dislikes intimacy so I just do my own thing and he constantly works.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Age to Determine Asexuality

How old do you suppose one would have to be to consider themselves asexual, rather than 'late bloomers'?
Although one may have the 'symptoms', such things are hard to accurately determine, unlike how they might be for hetro-, bi-, or homosexuality.

Serendip Visitor's picture

I'm 33 I consider myself

I'm 33 I consider myself asexual by all means!

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Re: Age to Determine Asexuality

Like with many other things, it depends on the person. I, personally, knew when I was very young. When I turned ten all of my friends were starting to date boys and form crushes while I was not interested in such things in any way-- and never became interested. I was told, actually, that I was a "late bloomer" and even as a child I rejected that comment with anger at feeling misunderstood. I didn't know the term for how I was feeling and what I was categorized as until I took many psychology and human-sexuality classes in college. I am 24 and now know that I am asexual, but I truly knew when I was ten, even though I couldn't name it. Other people that I've talked to, though, didn't know until they were a few years younger than I am now.

anon's picture

How is asexuality more

How is asexuality more "difficult" to determine than hetero-, bi-, or homosexuality? If you're making the argument that an asexual/aromantic person could "one day find themselves attracted to someone", couldn't the same reasoning apply to homo- or heterosexuality? You might as well argue that a self-defined heterosexual isn't "truly heterosexual" because of the possibility that they may one day become sexually/romantically attracted to someone of the same sex.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Just tah tell you~

Hi! I'm an asexual who is linked with the romantic orientation of hetero. Some asexuals do have a romantic attraction to men/women/masculinity/feminity so on and so forth.. There are a few asexuals who have no romantic feelings for anyone of any gender, however I am a woman who is attracted to males. I do not believe in masterbation or sex unless my romantic partener and I were to grow THAT close to one another, and even then I still wouldn't feel pleased by the sex. All asexuals (just like people with actual sexualities are different and have a different way of opperating, too.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Re: Just tah tell you-

Well said. Same here- I'm asexual with a romantic link to men. We are the same as everyone else, we just don't like the actual ACT of sex.

Guest's picture

I'm a guy who agrees

I read this article and yes it's true that asexual's are born like this. Well that's what it's been like for me, i don't have a sex drive or a care in the world about relationships they to me seem like such a waste of time the equivalent of a ball and chain, sex is just not interesting.
For me being a guy, i do feel isolated from the world and look at everyone else around me like they are too sexually active and easily entertained like a guy who just got his first boner, for me i think of everyone as being too childish but now realize that i'm the one who's different and to them i'm just not entertaining enough but that's because they don't realize that i'm different and frankly just don't care to put it nicely.

Willem's picture

Fully Agree

The idea of a relationship sounds like the worst kind of freely chosen slavery.
Since I have been an adolescent talk of the "game" is all I have heard. My perception of this "game" was and continues
to be narcissistic people openly and frankly manipulating other, equally narcissistic people for fun and profit.
Count me out.

Julien Joubert's picture

I live with a woman who I

I live with a woman who I love very much. Both of us are in our late twenties. From the start I realized sex is not that a big deal for her and I on the other hand, have a very strong sex drive. I always thought I could change her and be better in bed and somehow get her more excited in bed. Our lives are going by and her lack of sex drive is likely to get worse as she ages right ???? I still love her so much but I feel I must probably leave her at some point as I am all too often sexually frustrated and dissatisfied. She has damaged me in recent times as I sometimes feel it's maybe me who is a useless lover !! IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO???. do we have a future or are we as a couple doomed ??

Serendip Visitor's picture

Im in the same boat but mine

Im in the same boat but mine started off great, I mean magnificently. It has been 5 years since we have had sex. I have not had sex with another woman as its wrong and I have learnt to accept the situation and I believe I am as much at fault here as her as we have had a child and I changed jobs so am invisible. Sometimes I think cheating is the answer but then I remember I was married infront of god. I am not religious to any extreme but just respectful of the promises made. Have you took a look in the mirror at yourself and I mean not physically?

Here is what I have done
No romance
Ask for sex
To busy with work all the time
Expect my sex drive to fit into my free time and her to be ready when I am
Touch each other and form a good connection again

I need to start again with the trying for more and let sex come with it just like you start off with a girl friend and sex is part of that connection (if your not before marriage then replace girlfriend with wife). I ask for sex whereas before I got passionate with her and sex came with it..

I have to relight the fire, I think you need to find the right buttons to make sure she really does enjoy it and wants more and dont get into a situation like mine where we both laugh about actually being scared of having sex in case its not as good as we remembered it to be :-)

Good luck

Serendip Visitor's picture

Well I hope I don't repost

Well I hope I don't repost but it doesn't seem to have worked last time. Anyway, I think you two are doomed. I have tried to work in such a situation for 16 years and it has pretty much destroyed my spirit. And eventually they start blaming you because they don't understand why you are so frustrated. If I had known my wife was asexual I would have run as fast and far away as I could. But now there are kids involved and I am just miserable. Take my advice, pack up and leave now! Find someone sexual like yourself and enjoy life. It only gets worse.

Serendip Visitor's picture

As a 14 year old girl who

As a 14 year old girl who identifies as asexual and has for almost a year, I enjoyed this. I was previously unaware of instances of animals refusing to mate. I cannot speak for asexuals as a whole as we are, as you mentioned, very diverse. Whomeverte quote about an omnipotent fantasy is from does not use the most commonly accepted definition of asexuality as a human orentation ( simply 'the lack of sexual attraction'. I can understand the point made about self fufilling prophacy but I am not at all " shutting down the possibility of being sexually engaged" by identifying as asexual I am only putting a name to what I feel. If I were attracted to someone sexually, I would no longer identify as asexual. Also, in response to the wonderful woman who told me that I do not exist, I repress nothing- why would I? Society expects me to be sexual, and not being such is very stressful at times.
My own theory about the larger ammount of women who identify as asexual is simply that women are not expected to be as sexual as men, and because men grow up expecting themselves to be sexual they are less willing to concider that they might not be, or to admit it on a survey or search for a name for their lack of sexual attraction online.
I also fail to see how religion would effect sexuality, except that it might make someone less likely to be open about it. There are many atheist and agnostic asexuals. I am one of them.

I would like to close by saying that I believe that at some point we are going to have to stop labeling sexuality and gender and accept that everyone is different. This was very interesting to read, and it was very well written. I apologise for any confusion my comment might cause ( I am using a touch keyboard) and invite people to ask me questions regarding my comment or asexuality in general.

George's picture

Some helpful info

As a person trying to define my sexuality after realizing five months ago that I suffer serious social impairment -- am I functionaly asexual at my core or am I involuntarily celibate through problems I can overcome -- I found Jessica's paper filled with helpful insights and written in a mature voice. It was also well organized and explained the various types of asexuality more clearly than most sources I have read. I'll continue to refer to it in my information searches.

amon's picture

An excellent paper. Quite

An excellent paper. Quite well written.

Paula's picture

I have a sex drive. I can

I have a sex drive. I can have sex. But I am not exactly sure where it comes from since I have no sexual fantasies. I don't mind men and women having sex, but I just cannot imagine myself engaging in sexual intercourse with either sex. I can find both men and women attractive but not to the extent that i would want to have sex with them.

Takayla Serendip Visitor's picture

it makes sense

Reading your comment was like a breathe of fresh air as you put into words what I could not. I am 17 and I have tried to talk to my mom about it but she look confused and said I will find someone someday and I should try sex. She also suggested to take me to a doctor to figure out what's wrong. I love the paper as it was well thought out and clear on topics that I had some understanding about.

Serendip Visitor Jo's picture

Great Article

Great article link to AVEN is good other link is no longer functioning. Not sure if original post went through.

Janelle's picture

God's Gift?

Humans have a sexuality because it is god's gift to us?
Sounds like egotistical brain wash to me.
I actually can't standing the thought of breeding with a man or woman. I just don't find humans (or any other mammal) particularly that interesting.
I have a sexual limbido, but it's not towards anything in particular.

Serendip Visitor's picture

G od's gift

People who are oversexed would like to think it is God's gift. Anyone who is interested in human sexuality should read the bible. Our sexuality is no more of a gift than sight, hearing, taste, feelings, etc., and the sexual organs are no more of a gift than the heart, kidneys, skin (which is our largest organ), arteries, lungs, etc. As with any part of our human body, sexuality must be used with wisdom, maturity, knowledge, patience, and, most importantly, love. This is not a gift like one gives a red convertable to a 16 year old and instruct them to do with what you will. Applied correctly we would not have so many teen pregnancies, divorces and torn apart families. Let's used God's stimulus packages wisely.