Some boulders thrown up by the volcano

I had been mildly unhappy with all the readings for Critical Feminist Studies, even the ones I enjoyed, without knowing why.  As my participation dropped off, my discontent, rather than diminishing, increased.  Cixous's call to hear from women had spoken deeply to me, and the volcanoes were churning down below.  Some of the things that were thrown out in the eruptions follow.

Except in physical strength I have never doubted that women are superior to men.  But, oh, how I have resented that superior strength!!  I learned early that I can do most things men can do --- given time and a long enough lever.  But the time is excessive and the accomplishment consequently small.  As the volcanoes were brewing recently I noticed myself doing many things purely to prove I could, unpleasant, heavy things like scrubbing the slippery moss off the brick pathway in the rainy season and cleaning out the house gutters.  I suspect I am the only woman in Central America who goes onto the roof to clean out gutters.  I always rationalize that no man will do it right.  Of course, there is no reason why I couldn't show a man or boy how I want it done and check to see that it is done to my specifications.  And there are plenty of men who will do these things for a small sum.  One day scrubbing at a particularly thick spot of moss I saw myself proving that  could handle any nasty job a man can.  As if, since I can't have his strength, I can at least have his guts.  I stopped, broom in hand, and asked myself why I would want a man's guts ... then, DO I want a man's guts. There was no immediate reply, but I sprinkled sand on the moss and left it.     

Since that day I have done only one heavy, dirty job.  I watched myself with amusement as I changed into protective clothing, got out the tools that would make the job easier, and did the job by bits so as not to become over-tired.  There was a clear trade-off:  by letting the woman speak the job was done neatly, cleanly, and with a minimum of fuss.  My old self would have done it more the way a man would:  there would have been considerable clean-up needed afterward and disorder all around.  Do you see me equating brawn,  fuss, disorder, dirt, men?  I may next time hire a man to do the heavy job, a man who works neatly, leaves the place better than he found it, and uses his strength where it is needed.  I actually know several men like that!

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A kinder and more nearly accurate image of 'men' is not one of the results I expected from Critical Feminist Studies.  Nor a kinder, gentler attitude toward my own physical self.  And what happy results they are!

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In the interests of equality ( I have the Aquarian's yearning for equality ) what do I conclude about men's greatly superior physical strength?  I have believed in ( and believed I have seen ) female superiority in other areas.  But when I now consider how very much superior men are in strength, in order to maintain some approximate equality of the sexes I have to give women much more advantage in other areas that I had been previously inclined to.  Men themselves have finally convinced me:  in any disagreement between a man and a woman men customarily use force to prevail, though it may be the 'force of logic' or ' the force of facts' stated forcefully.  If a woman tries to use force, she is bound to fail, just as she would lose a wrestling match with the man.  Losing she can leave some wounds, but that is her only consolation.  However, if she refrains from using force and uses any other tactic, she usually wins.  Surprise, humor, pathos, weakness.....  So I'm beginning to think that women really are very much superior in areas other than strength since men rarely are willing to engage in any tests other than strength.

What do we women do when we try to meet a man's strengeth with our own?  We begin to lose ground rapidly; our voices rise, become shrill; we bang doors.  (I once with a broom handle beat the doorfacing beside a man's head.)  All clear signs we have lost and recognize it. 

And so I finally come to my discontent with the readings.  Shrill voices, nervous illogic, even a few banged doors and noses.  Why are we women meeting men on the only ground where we are inferior?  Why are we still trying to use the force of logic?  Why are we women TAUGHT logic?  The form itself is a use of strength/force: we always become shrill or worse when we use it.

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I want someone to argue with me --- to disagree with me.  I LOVE logic, but I use it only in the privacy of my own head.  God forbid that I should use it with a man and hand him the win on a platter!  And my 'animus' is too much of a gentleman to take advantage of a woman in that way. 

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We haven't heard from women yet.  I dare to say we won't hear from them while we continue to use the forms and criteria of force/strength.  I think that takes in all the subjects treated in our reading.

I am quite addicted to logic in my private thoughts and writing.  But I intend to give it up.  I want to see what might happen when the volcanic woman in here is let loose from those old muscular forms.