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Mixed feelings

alexb2016's picture

Today was a beautiful day to be outside, and yet, I couldn't really enjoy it. I woke up much later than usual, and I felt as if I had already lost half of my day (which, technically, I had). Everything felt rushed, cramped into a time frame that couldn't allow me to truly enjoy the benevolent weather. I felt disoriented and stressed, and then frustrated because I felt disoriented and stressed--you can see how this quickly became a vicious cycle. My spot behind Rhodes, which usually provides a much needed hiatus from my day, became another chore on a long to-do list. I was trying to force myself to immerse myself in the quiet, trying to connect with a more peaceful version of myself. 

In doing so, I realized that I couldn't make myself feel a certain way. The frustration I was feeling was a natural part of being me, and if I wanted to connect with nature, then I needed to be in tune with those feelings--even if it made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I will myself to feel certain ways, a very mechanical process; so today I let myself feel frustrated, and acknowledging that made it a lot more easier to deal with than having is fester in the corner of my mind. The experience was almost like a detox, getting all of the "bad stuff" out of my system. The trick wasn't to ignore those feelings, but to embrace them--and then I could enjoy the warmth of the sun on my back for a little while.