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Intro Song: Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There's a meal that I've heard of once

In a book on modern food chains.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the processes by which we get meat

Are more transparent and humane.

Someday I'll confront my omnivority

And wake up after using by digestive tract as a laboratory, why?

Did I try that mushroom?

Where troubles will be overcome

By mental taxation, instead of developing rumens

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly

Bluebirds eat worms, unlike I

Who ponders nature's variety, my abilities

Would it be entirely ethical, or despicable

That I should eat that bluebird tonight?

Dorothy falls asleep at home, in front of her computer, registering for classes on virtual bryn mawr.

Glinda throws glitters

Dorothy wakes up at Bryn Mawr~ Surprise!

Dorothy: Hark! What is this?

Glinda: Welcome to Bryn Mawr! I am Glinda, the good witch of the English house. Perhaps I can assist you.

Dorothy: Well, the last thing I remember was sitting down daydreaming in front of Virtual Bryn Mawr, and I woke up. What do I do?

Glinda: At Bryn Mawr, you have to make your own food choices.

Dorothy: I have to make my own food choices!  Pete's Farm?  Acme? The dining hall--but they don’t do sustainable fair trade! Where’s the nearest Whole Foods? Help!

Nudgekins: How do you find your family dinner?

Dorothy: I find my family dinners to be extremely well!  I am fraught with anxiety and woe now, with so many choices before me!

Nudgekins: You could narrow it down.  Would you like to be a carnivore or herbivore?

Dorothy: And herbivore of course!  I am an ethical person, doncha know! 

Nudgekins: Your food choices are not what they seem!  

Glinda: Follow the yellow corn road!

Nudgekins: Follow the yellow corn road.  Follow the yellow corn road. 

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow corn road!

Dorothy: I will follow the strain of carbohydrates onward! 

Scarecrow enters

Dorothy: How do you do, scarecrow?

Scarecrow: I am sorely vexed!  There are so many roads to choose from- eight, actually- and which one should I choose? Probability says that whichever I choose will probably yield a bad result, and then what is to become of me!  I would prefer this road, because I like the shrubbery, but this ought to be irrelevant to my choice! And so you see, I am subject to my own inadequacy!

Dorothy: How depressing! 

Scarecrow: Indeed!

Scarecrow Song!

I could wile away the hours

Conferrin with the flowers

Consultin with the rain

And my head I'd be scratchin

While my thoughts were busy hatchin

If only my conscious brain could handle more than seven pieces of data at any given moment

I'd unravel every riddle

Make emotions wholly trivial

Be an Econ individual!

(Dorothy) With the data you had gathered

You could reason weighty matters

If only your mind were an infinitely powerful organ, a limitless super-computer without constraints!

Oh I, would tell you why

Vegetarianism is not the answer

I could observe striking shifts in behavior

And then I'd sit, and be a satisficer!

I would not be just a human

With such irrational inclinations

My head all full of pain

I would dance and be merry!

Life would be a ding-a-derry

If I only had a brain that was not an imperfect piece of machinery constantly affecting our behavior and leading us to make decisions that seem in retrospect quite silly!

Dorothy: You should come with me to see the professor!  He will aide you in your existential dilemma!

Scarecrow: Really?  He knows how to make me into a computing machine?

Dorothy: Well... I don't know.  I just got here.  But I hear he can do all sorts of marvelous things!

Scarecrow: That is wonderful! Lets go!

nudgekins and cast: 

We're off to see the Professor, The Wonderful Professor of Dalton.

We hear he is the professor of choice, if ever a choice there was!

The professor of Dalton is one because…

Dorothy: But wait, why is the Wizard a “he”?

We must be in a phase one society.

All: because, Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does. We're off to see the Professor. The Wonderful Professor of Dalton.

Dorothy and the Scarecrow come upon an orchard.

Dorothy: Oh how delicious!  I am hungry, let's stop for a moment and engage in moral eating behavior!

Scarecrow: Are you a vegetarian?

Dorothy: Of course I am. It’s much better for the environment.

Dorothy: Ouch! Oh, gee… I never thought about it that way before… So every effort I’ve made to be green could be flawed? I don’t know what to trust! Oh, stop all the green noise!

Dorothy: I'm engaging in moral eating behavior!

Tree 1: You're taking my apples!

Dorothy: I had better take your apples, then go disembowel some poor animal!

Tree 2: What?  I'm of lesser worth than some rodent or poultry?  What is that?

Dorothy: You're economically sustainable!

Tree 3: Sustainable!  Nonsense! Gosh! Don’t you read the paper? Sometimes vegan food needs to be shipped halfway around the world before reaching your plate. Is that really better for the environment than eating local chicken!? Besides you probably drive to the farmer’s market to get your veggies in your SUV anyway. LAY OFF! (throws apple)

Dorothy and Scarecrow flee!

Dorothy: Maybe vegetarianism is not so grand after all...

Meet the Tin man!

Dorothy: How do you do?

Tin Man: I am in despair!  There was once a great oil field, cans of domestically grown oil cans everywhere! Tragedy of the commons! Incest! Chickens!

Dorothy: Oh my goodness! Do tell!

Tin Man Song!!

Tin Man:

I am stuck in this position

due to human incognition

of resources thy use

Once the land was filled with oil

Now I’m rusted like tin foil

And my joints feel awful spoiled

All because of their abuse

 

You have common ground you’ve settled

And you should be on your mettle

Yet the world you’ve torn apart

Just because I'm presumin'

That you are indeed a human

Doesn’t mean you have a heart

 

If I had your id and ego,

I’d act like a superhero

Treating morals like an art

I'd be generous and thankful

Taking only my own share-ful

If I had a moral heart

 

Just to register emotion,

jealousy, devotion

And really feel the part

But maybe I’d be just as greedy

And see that it ain’t so easy

If I only had a heart

 

I’d do the greatest good for the greatest number

Without war or greed or plunder

Overpopulation would depart

I would know that sharing’s vital

Lookin’ out for our survival

If I had a moral heart!

 

Dorothy: You had better come along with us to see the professor!  She can help you overcome your emotional shortcomings!

Nudgekins: You must go through the dark woods!

Scarecrow: Must we?

Dorothy: If they say so, indeed we must!  Onward!

Tinman: They wouldn't direct us towards trouble!  That would be horrible!

Three: Choices, Decisions, Dilemmas oh my!  Choices, Decisions, Dilemmas oh my!

Lion jumps out and attack!  Dorothy smacks him!

Lion: Why did you do that?!?! 

Dorothy: Because you were trying to eat me!

Lion: I'm a lion!  That's what I'm supposed to do!

Dorothy: That is nonsense!  You can't eat me!

Lion: (disintegrates into despair) You're right!  I don't know what I was thinking.  Here I had finally made a choice!  I had overcome my paralysis, I had chosen to be carnivore and eat everything that came along!  But I have chosen ill!  But now what?  If I don't eat everything... what do I eat?

Lion Song!

Yes there are so many choices, you hear so many voices,

it just becomes green noise!

I could gather all my knowledge, and act like I'm in college

but I'm paralyzed by choice!

Dorothy: We're going to see the professor.  I'm sure she could be of help to you!

Lion: But then I would be leaving all this behind

Scarecrow: All of what? 

Lion: I don't know, exactly.  But I'd be leaving something here, inevitably.

Tinman: Maybe what you're leaving behind isn't all that important.  

Lion: Well I don't know that for sure, do I?

Dorothy: yes exactly!  And by coming to the professor with us, you would learn what really was worth deciding on!  Come with us!  

Lion: Ummm....

Dorothy: You're coming along with us! I have decided for you, therefore removing the burden of decision from your moronic, indecisive brain.  Let's go!

All: We're off to see the professor! the wonderful professor of Dalton.

We hear he is the professor of choice, if ever a choice there was!

The professor of Dalton is one because…

Dorothy: because why? that’s not a very satisfactory answer. shouldn’t we critically think about what information we trust?

All: We're off to see the professor! the wonderful professor of Dalton!

The four come upon a field of poppies.  They see Emerald City of Dalton in the distance! 

Dorothy: We're so close!

Scarecrow: Lets go!

Lion: This poppy field is very lovely, isn't it?

Dorothy: Yes, I agree it is very lovely.  

Tinman: but not as important as Emerald City!  We mustn't veer from our course!

Lion: Why on earth not?  As long as I'm not being paralyzed by my decisions any more, I think this would be a nice place to stay.

Dorothy: Yes, perhaps we should stay here.  We're close enough to the professor, aren't we?

Scarecrow: But we have to get to the city!

Tinman: We have to see the professor!

Dorothy: Oh for goodness sake.  Stop maximizing.

Lion: It will paralyze and make you miserable!  

Dorothy: This is certainly good enough.

Lion: yup.

Fall asleep.  Tinman and Scarecrow are somewhat at a loss.  They turn to Nudgekins for help!

Tinman: We must motivate them!

Nudgekins: Wake up!  You must graduate!  This is a reasonable goal to aspire to! Wake up! You have to go to class!

Lion: No we don't.

Dorothy: Well... but perhaps we do.  Doing well in school is not an unreasonable goal of maximization.

Scarecrow: Yes exactly. We all can aspire to be limitless super-computers without constraints.  That's why we're here, after all!

Tinman: That isn't very reasonable at all.  I think your ego depends on your becoming so, and you've merely come up with reasons why being a computer is morally correct.

Scarecrow: Not at all!  When I am a limitless super-computer without restraints, I will certainly be able to inform you why you are wrong about everything.

Dorothy: Shouldn't you know why?  Why should you be perfect computing machine?

Scarecrow: I know I should, is all!

Lion: That does save him the trouble of having to reason things through other venues like emotion. But on the other hand, I think he can also just let others determine his convictions, and never think about them again. Peer pressure would be excellent here. As are oppressive, societal moral standards.

Dorothy: But that means, Scarecrow, that you haven't actually thought anything through at all. You just feel you ought to be this way, and are searching for justification.

Scarecrow: Alas!  Have I truly been acting out of emotion this whole time?  My wish to be perfect is not rational at all, is it?  It would merely gratify my perception of self, a truly emotional motivation!  But I'm not the only one in error, right?  Dorothy, you can't possibly believe vegetarianism is still the answer.

Dorothy: No, I no longer do.  After being attacked by an apple tree, my sentimentality for all living things has evened out.  It seems that the very nature of my omnivority means that I should not specialize at all.

Lion: But what will you do now?  Not only will you have 230 cereals to choose from in a grocery- you'll also have the meat section! The fish!  The precooked meals!  More restaurants to choose from!  Wouldn't it be better to just have one meltdown a week, when you get groceries, rather than invest so many tears and angst in many more decisions?

Tin man: She needn't make herself miserable.  Satisficing involves a certain level of detachment, and so here moral judgments may well be executed without being reasoned through.  there aren't any moral implications of choosing one cereal over another-

Scarecrow: Unless one is free trade.

Dorothy: Or organic

Lion: Or cheaper

Dorothy: Or better tasting. Oh dear. I am feeling quite overwhelmed.  

Scarecrow: Professor! Let's ask the professor!

Dorothy: Yes! We are self-directed individuals with an intellectual commitment!  

Tinman: We are motivated!

Lion: We like good grade-point averages!

We're off to see the professor! Fra la lala!

Dorothy: Here it is! Dalton room 2!

lion: Why hello Glinda! Where is the Professor?

(Glinda) Professor: I AM the professor. Please call me by my first name. Hello students, what brings you here?

Dorothy: Well, as you know, we have many choices that we have to make.  We need someone to tell us what to do.

Professor: Students, I am not here to spoon-feed you the answers. I am here to give you the tools to help you make your OWN decisions. That is how I've been teaching you during your whole journey in Dalton.  The point of your journey was not to achieve a concrete conclusion. I’ve been here to further introduce you to processes by which you can teach yourself, and learn from others.  In fact, you all helped Dorothy transform on her way here, and you will continue to learn after you walk out the door.  

Scarecrow: I found that analyzing everything didn't help me choose, so much as make me more anxious about the choice.

Tin Man: It is not productive to begin with an emotional reaction, and then search for reasons to support my prejudice.  I had better use reason before I form a conviction.

Lion: Satisficing helps to understand the true value of decision making.  Which decisions are worth spending time and effort on, and which should be made habitual or just excluded.

Dorothy:You have taught us how to maximize by thinking critically and how to satisfice while making choices.. And most importantly you have taught us that education is a mutual process between the teacher and student.

Professor: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to consider your dilemmas, and to think critically about the sources you trust. It just took some Nudgekins and my guidance to help you use your thinking capacities along the way! There is no final conclusion, only an ongoing process of choice as an omnivore!