why do we have to be in control?

She sat absolutely still.

Poised but with tense feet. Aware.

Artistic but with controlled muscles. She's being watched.

Graceful but with her hands supporting her head. Support.

Graceful nonetheless. Aware, always.

1. An Outline

Originally, the theme of my final project was going to be abuse, and how that affects your identity formation and your view of your own gender and sexuality. However, after the writing workshop we had, I couldn't help but build on that.

The central question that my project revolves around is – 'why do we always have to be in control?' And the theme of the project is mind – body relationships. How does the work of our mind manifest in our body? And how do our actions affect the way we think?

I realize completely that this a very wide topic and that it branches out to encompass everything we've learned in class, but that's why it fascinates me. It seems to be the basis of everything we've learned and a strong ground for further exploration into issues regarding identity, gender and sexuality.

The main subtopics I will be dealing with however are:

1. Our Subconscious – why do we need to have control? Do we try so hard to be in control of our minds that we loose association with our subconscious? Can we gain control over our subconscious? What would that entail? What if we let go of ourselves instead? Would we ever allow our minds to fuse with our bodies?

2. Abuse – do we use our subconscious as a place to hide away from both our mind and body? Do we hide/embed memories and experiences into it so that they're separated from us and we barely have any recollection of them whatsoever. Can experiences that stain our body alter drastically the way we treat ourselves? Can you mentally train yourself to not physically react? Do your experiences help determine your chosen sex/gender?

3. Sex work – can a prostitute clearly create the divide between her mind and body, so that the working of one doesn't affect the other? Does the disgust/sense of being used come if she cannot?

4. How do people's words and thoughts stain our body? How do they stain our mind? Does a stained mind reflect on a body? Will a stained body ever be accepted? Why do we spend so much time perfecting or worrying about perfecting our body whilst we allow our minds to die?

5. Gendered bodies – does a transgender man/women live in the realm of their mind? Do they become transsexual in an attempt to bridge the gap between the two? Or how about a dyke, masculine, or feminine body? Do they pick a realm to live in? Do we all? How then do we associate with the other realm? Do we try to build connections or further divide them?

6. Identity – Felice Picano said he didn't need an identity for himself and that identities were created for the rest of the world to see. But we do need an identity. Because our mind needs to look at our bodies and be okay with it. So yes, we dress the way we dress and speak the way we do so that world gets the right image of us. But we have that 'right' notion so that we're able to be comfortable when we look at the mirror.

7. Disability – the disconnect that's created between the mind and body when one is not as able as the other. And the disconnect that's created between you and the rest of the 'normal' world. How that affects your need for control and how that plays with your identity.

2. Carrying it out

I want to make my project a project and not an essay. As of now, I'm thinking of making it on 2ft cardboard slabs. There will be seven slabs, each one representing a category mentioned above. And they will all be connected to each other. I'm going to make it along the lines of an art project, so I'll be having a lot of images and sketches along with the writing.

This is just a potential idea though, it's open to change.

3. Sources

The below listed sources are things that inspired me and that I will be referring to directly or indirectly while carrying out the project.

1. Lynda Barry – What It Is

2. Neil Gaiman - The Sandman – The Doll's House

3. Nawal El Saadawi – Women at Point Zero

4. Alice Walker – The Color Purple

5. www.deviantart.com