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The Daniel Dennett Spice of Life Show

By Madi, Rachael, and Al

Madi trumpets theme music

Announcer: Welcome to the Daniel Dennett Spice of Life Show, where we take Mr. Daniel Dennett and try to find him a woman… or a man… or some sort of beast… anyone who can endure his endless rhetoric.

Dennett: Ahem. Superb rhetoric.

Announcer: I stand corrected. Superb rhetoric. Superb, my grandma’s left tittie.

Dennett: I heard that.

Announcer: I know.

Dennett: Hello, I’m Daniel Dennett, author of the bestselling book Darwin’s Dangerous Idea. I graduated from Harvard University, and earned my doctorate at Oxford.

Music plays

Dennett: Excuse me, where is that infernal music coming from?

Announcer: Heaven.

Dennett: Bah, heaven doesn’t exist. We all know that.

Announcer: God, here we go again. Alright, folks, you all know how this show works because we’ve been on for four long seasons.

Dennett: It pays the bills.

Announcer: We bring a variety of people into the studio and if at any point Mr. Dennett becomes uncomfortable, all he has to do is—

Dennett rings bell at will

Announcer: You can’t ring at me. I’m the announcer! You know what? I quit. I have control over my own destiny!

Exit announcer

Dennett: Don’t worry about her, folks. We’re all just self-replicating strands of DNA; there’s no such thing as destiny!

Voice: Contestant Number One! Pope Uban!

Enter Pope Benedict, cue Gregorian chant

Pope: May the light of God (ding) shine upon you (ding), my child…? (furious dings)

Dennett: That’s right, Pope Urban! You too!

Voice: Contestant Number Two! Briar Rose!

Cue theme music. Enter Sleeping beauty. She seductively moves towards Dennett, taking several phallic objects out of her purse (banana, knife, candle, pen, etc.)

Sleeping Beauty: Do you like my objects, Mr. Dennett? …Mr. Dennett… You know Mr. Dennett, there’s something about your pronounced features, your kindly smile, your bright eyes that reminds me of my father.

Dennett: Well, these are just products of my superior selection.

Sleeping Beauty: I loved my father, really.

Dennett: That’s nice, dear.

Sleeping Beauty: He was a strong man… Graceful. Masculine. …Erect. (eats banana)

Dennett: (puts hat in lap)

Sleeping Beauty: (picks up candle and walks over to Dennett.) Won’t you light my fire? Don’t you wanna light my candle?

Dennett: (ferocious dinging)

Enter Bettelheim

Bettelheim: Miss Rose? What have I told you about molesting strange men?

Dennett: I’m not strange!

Sleeping Beauty: I’m not molesting!

Bettelheim: Miss Rose, you know, it’s time for your therapy sessions…

Sleeping Beauty: I’ve been a bad, bad girl, Dr. Bettelheim!

Bettleheim slaps her hand and they exit.

Voice: Contestant Number Three— A. Square!

Theme music, enter Square

Square: Hello sir, I’m A. Square.

Dennett: I can see that.

Square: No, that’s my name. A dot Square— you can call me A.

Dennett: Thank you A. Why don’t you sit down?

Square: Can’t, I’m two-dimensional.

Dennett: I have a question for you, Mr. Square… I mean, A. You are a very lovely and regular being. Do the biological mechanisms of our own world apply to yours?

Square: Well, according to L. Pentagon’s study on two dimensional reproduction, we in Flatland can also get jiggy with it. Na na na na na na na, na na na na na na.

(Ding)

Exit Square.

Voice: Contestant Number Four! The Ugly Stepsister!

Enter Stepsister

Stepsister: (grope)

Dennett: (slap)

Stepsister: Excuse me, Mr. Dennett, are you trying to disable me?

Dennett: Well, ma’am, every culture disables certain weaker members.

Stepsister: I’ll disable your weaker members…

Dennett: No, I didn’t mean it that way, miss, it’s only natural selection.

Stepsister: Well, I naturally select not to be here!

Physical comedy. Exit stepsister.

Enter Darwin, confused.

Darwin: Excuse me, do you know where studio 5 is? I need to present my theory of… evolution?

Dennett: D-D-D-D— Mr. Darwin? Charles? Charlie?! Will you sign my Origin of Species?

Darwin: Anything for a fan…

Dennett: Anything for you sir! (falls to knees)

Darwin does awkward turtle and exits

Dennett: Charlie!!!!!!!!!

Voice: Contestant Number Five! Frankenstein’s Monster!

Enter Pierre

Pierre: I’m not a monster. Call me Pierre… you’ve never been with another species before.

Dennett: Ah!

Pierre: Everything still works the same.

Dennett: Well, technically, your reproductive viability has never been tested.

Pierre: Bloody hell! How crude!

Dennett: When did you become British?

Pierre: Last Thursday. When did you become an indignant asshole?

Silence. Crickets. Enter Victor.

Victor: Pierre?

Pierre: Victor?

Victor: I just wanted to say… I’m sorry.

Pierre: Do you really mean it, Victor?

Victor: Here, I sewed you mittens, for all those times I missed your birthday.

Pierre: Oh, Victor, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me!

Victor: I wanna start over, do things right this time.

Pierre: Oh, Victor!

They skip away. Exit.

Dennett: Well, at least they won’t be contaminating my gene pool.

Enter Anne.

Anne: Good morning. Daniel, where’s your hat and mittens?

Dennett: In my bag, professor. (sheepishly and confused)

Anne: Call me Anne. Oh Daniel, you’re making me feel all maternal! I’m looking here for your post.

Improv search for post.

Dennett: Type in “Indignant asshole”. I mean Daniel Dennett.

Anne: Oh well.

More improv

Dennett: There, stop. It’s right there.

Anne: (spreads out materials) Now, in your post you are derogatory towards religious people. Do you feel you are disabled by a God-fearing culture?

Dennett: Well, I fear that this God-fearing culture disables us prophets of Truth.

Anne: Where is the soul, Daniel?

Dennett: Um…

Anne: Did you learn of its existence tacitly?

Dennett: …Define “tacit”.

Anne: Everyone has their own definition of tacit… like this bell. Do you say to yourself “I’m gonna ring my bell right now” or do you just do it? (takes bell and sits down with it)

Dennett: (awkward bacterium)

Improv awkward bacterium

Anne: That’s neat!

Dennett: Are you aware of the awkward turtle?

Anne: (awkward turtle happily)

Dennett: Well, in the very distant past, what was once the awkward bacterium arose through a Vast series of mutations to become the awkward turtle.

Anne: Well, that’s a story!

Dennett: It is most certainly not! Evolution is plain truth.

Anne: So you know that tacitly.

Dennett: Anne, have you ever read The Origin of Species? It’s a wonderful book by Charlie Darwin.

Anne: That’s a great story!

Dennett: Are you trying to insult my intelligence?

Anne: Do you feel disabled, Daniel?

Dennett: Do you feel disabling?

Anne: Define disabling.

Dennett: It’s something I know tacitly.

Anne: Can you bring it to the conscious?

Dennett: No.

Anne: Well that’s a story.

Dennett: You and your stories! Not everything is a story! There is fact! There is order out of endless chaos! There is the origin of species! Dammit Anne, I’m a scientist, not a storyteller!

Anne: Science is storytelling, Daniel. Science is storytelling. Speak of… I have to go meet my esteemedcolleaguePaulGrobstein for lunch. He’s bringing his brain. Both of them. And remember, your paper is due outside my office by nine AM on Tuesday!

Dennett: Wait… I don’t remember any assignment!

Anne: The meaning of life in three pages or less, double spaced.

Exits

Dennett: Wait, an assignment? This show has never come with an assignment! Am I being graded? You can’t grade me, I’m Daniel Dennett! And I don’t need anyone! So, ha! (rings bell and exits)