ccassidy's blog

I thought the idea of accountability in the context of queer time was really interesting.  There seemed to be a debate in class about whether or not a person would have to be more or less accountable for themselves if they subscribed to the idea of queer time.  During our small group discussions on Thursday, my group touched on the topic of queer time in an educational space.  It seemed difficult to wrap our minds around the idea of having the personal agency to decide when or if you would attend a class let alone decide when you have completed a course, when you have reached your full potential in a subject.  In Anne Dalke and Clare Mullaney's essay, in the passage that we analyzed in Tuesday's class, the idea of an unconventional "form of education that is less driven by the clock" (11) was presented.  In theory, this all seems like a great idea that would really help a student control the way in which they learn by taking the time to discover what truly interests them in the world of academia.  But this idea makes me start thinking about whether or not there is a certain kind of person that can effectively make use of queer time.  Queer time seems to ask for a certain amount of patience, flexibility and resistance to social constructs all at the same time.  Are we all capable of this mixing these different traits?

I thought the exercises that we did on Thursday were really interesting....but also completely terrifying.  I was getting particularly frustrated with myself when we were completing the second exercises because I wrote a whole paragraph in my response explaining why I would not be an expert on this topic.  Part of me really wanted to resist justifying my response with a flimsy background story but the other part of me had too much anxiety about putting my opinions out there.  I got more and more comfortable as people started to read out their responses because it was clear that most people were just as concerned with sharing their opinions as I was.  But what this exercise made me realize is that I, and maybe others in the class, didn't feel like they could share their opinions in any discussion format without receiving some kind of a judgment.  It was helpful to hear Anne say that students don't have to have all of the answers, that's why we are students.  Still, why does it often seem like we all have something to prove in a classroom?   

No one has ever really understood why I have a tendency to be so quiet in class.  I still don’t think that I know the logic behind it.  Nonetheless, I’ve sat through countless parent/teacher conferences where my high school teachers said, “Your daughter is just so bright but she never speaks up in class” and “she’s such a shy students.”  I watched as my parent’s eyes widened in complete confusion.  There was no way these teachers could have been talking about their daughter; their 5”4’ ball of energy, who never seems to stop talking.  This is the part of me that has never made sense.  Why is it that the second I step into a classroom, my thoughts freeze and my voice immediately vanishes, leaving me empty in my chair as I listen to everyone else’s lively discussion.  But take that chair out of the classroom and put it on a theater stage.  Give me a script or lyrics to sing.  Standing on a stage, prepared to act, sing or dance, is more freeing for me than any liberal arts college classroom has been so far.  These dichotomous aspects of my personality are at war with each other, searching for a compromise between the girl whose heart bleeds on stage and fearfully shrinks in the classroom.  I want to learn represent myself knowing that there is a shy student and an exuberant performer inside of me and hopefully find a compromise between classroom expectations and my own. 

I thought it was interesting that, for the most part, the class was in agreement that Kate Bornstein’s ‘My New Gender Workbook’ was very hypocritical in that her gender assessments encouraged a sense of ‘either/or,’ which she had been insisting that we stay away from for the majority of her book.  I also was a little irritated with the way that she presented these quizzes and with the summaries that were given about your personal score.  Like a lot of people in our class, I sensed negativity and a condescending attitude that really made me feel like I was not a welcomed reader.

However, it was mentioned in class that Bornstein’s personal stories were more relatable and actually taught more about the process of discovering your identity versus all the steps, quizzes and theories she was throwing at us.  For me, the mini biography she included and the tweets from real people who were in the process of discovering their identity are what made me want to continue reading.  I know we touched on this the first day of class, whether or not we wanted to learn about gender and sexuality with an objective or subjective lens, and we came to the conclusion that we needed a little bit of both.  Based on this conclusion, I think that was Bornstein’s intent with the structure of this workbook.  She presented us with some objective theories and steps for processing your identity but she tried to balance it out with some relatable evidence.

Why does society need to label a person's gender or sexuality?

Is is always society, don't people also label their own identity?

How can we separate what parts of our identity have been forced on us from what parts we define ourselves?

Do the parts forced on us also define us?

In what ways are parts of our identity forced on us-and is it unconscious or conscious?

Is discovering your identity ever a personal experience?

Fuck Gender Violence

Violence should not be a reaction to someone's identity.

Identity is personal and should be protected.

Protection is necessary for ourselves and others, but we too frequently ignore the protection of others.

"Other" is the second side of binaries that cause oppression.

I thought it was really interesting that we compared gender to a ‘performance.’  For me, defining gender as a performance is what separates ‘gender’ from ‘sex’ because there is a certain individual agency that is associated with a performance that has nothing to do with a clinical evaluation or label.  However, I think an argument can be made that both for and against this ‘performance’ term.  I think that a performance can have elements that are completely autonomous.  As the main character of the performance, a person as the ability to change and expand to fit the truest definition of themselves.  On the other hand, the performer must also keep the audience in mind when creating the character.  This makes me question whether or not the performance changes when in a private or public setting when there is or is not an audience watching the performance?

Someone made a point in class that a woman is not less of a woman when she is alone in her room.  I thought this was a really important argument to make and it is the reason why I am struggling with the term ‘performance’ in association with gender.  I think that many different arguments could be made to support or challenge the ‘performance’ as gender but my main concern with the term is the audience factor.  Is it a performance if there is no audience?  

My avatar is a picture of Paris that I took from the top of the Eiffel Tower about two years ago when my family took a trip to Europe.  Since the moment that I decided I would become an art history major, there was this powerful draw to visit Europe.  As overdramatic as it sounds, it felt like my heart ached for to see the historic cities that housed world-renowned Renaissances paintings and Greek Hellenistic sculptures.  Stepping of the train in Paris was like coming alive in a place that somehow managed to balance the modernity of a big city with the beauty of historic tradition.  It was during my first visit to Paris, those first few moments after stepping off of the Eurostar train, that I realized how many places in the world that I wanted to travel to. 

I chose this picture of the Paris cityscape because it represents everything that I want to do after I graduate from Bryn Mawr.  As a sophomore about to declare herself an art history major, there are a lot of anxieties about making the right decision but every time I look at this picture of Paris I know that I am confident in my choice.  I have to go back to Paris some day (hopefully to work in the Louvre and be a curator for some of my favorite pieces).  After visiting Europe and working in a museum this past summer, I have gotten a taste of what I can do with my life some day.  This photo is just a reminder of what I want.