Where I am Now

Through out the course of our ESEM, I experienced many strong responses to the class, both positive and negative. Yet now, as I reflect on the cumulative experience of Ecological Imaginings, it seems like a dream. I still can’t quite comprehend the massive changes that have occurred in my life in the span of fourteen weeks. I came to Bryn Mawr, which was my top choice for colleges, somewhat hesitantly. I lost myself to my fears in many ways over the summer, chasing whatever could preoccupy me, but my fears followed me throughout the semester. Only now do they start to fade. I knew I wanted the academic challenges a Bryn Mawr experience would provide, but as soon as I arrived the social dynamic and the expectations within that dynamic proved to be overwhelming to the point of casting a shadow over my academic work. I felt utterly lost here, and the indecision I felt in regards to choosing a major was amplified by the constant search and struggle to find my niche here at Bryn Mawr. It’s my personality to need to know where I stand. Here, I wasn’t sure.

The semester was off to rocky start, and the impact of my rough transition on my both my ESEM experience as well as my level of participation is regrettable. While I did all the work required of me, it was often times late and I didn't give it my all for a good portion of the semester. I started off somewhat strong because I still retained a piece of my motivation carried over from high school. But the pressures of college really began to rear their ugly head mid-semester when, I feel, my writing was its worst. Being surrounded by exceptionally motivated women day in and day out can be motivating, yet for the aimless and lost it can be intimidating, almost to the point of alienation. I couldn’t see myself here with these amazing women, whom I felt I couldn’t connect with because their goals were so clear and mine were still out there somewhere. While I don’t think I did a bad job in our ESEM, I know I could have done better. I was waiting for inspiration and motivation to find me, but I wasn’t seeking it out.

Yet while I may not have discovered my purpose here, or my greater goals in college and beyond, this ESEM has taught me that the answers to my questions won’t suddenly appear in an epiphany: I have to actively seek them out. This also applies to my performance in the class. Just because I consider myself a good reader and writer does not mean that my work in those areas is done. Far from it. It’s clear that I have to keep working on my writing, that I have to push myself if I want to write more clearly, more academically, and with greater focus. I have to continue to learn to read critically, constantly questioning, without dismissing the theoretical essays and essayists.

During the semester I felt suffocated by being lost; now I feel freed. I have an amazing opportunity to explore the excellent academic institution I am attending, and in that exploration an opportunity to better know myself as a person and as a student. This realization came together during my last writing conference with Anne when she told me, “It’s okay to be lost.” Being lost, I feel as if the boundaries of my learning have evaporated; they only exist if I let them. I don’t know exactly who I am, what I want, or what I’m doing here. Yet I have learned that it is okay not to know, but it is not okay not to try. In this way the ecology of the course is the ecology of academia. It broadens my view of what it means to learn, to study, to write. It is not a straight path, but a twisting, branching, backtracking, frustrating yet inevitably rewarding path.

In my talk of self-discovery and academia I do not mean to discount the subject matter of the course. While I’m not sure that it has made me an environmental activist, it has given me serious pause to think about my role as a citizen of this earth and the 7 billion other people, countless animals, insects and plants that inhabit it. It has encouraged me to be more thoughtful with every action I take and the cascading effect my actions can have not only on other people but on everything else in the environment. My thinking has become more ecological because of this course, especially.

And now I feel like I am starting from a good point, that there are multiple paths I can follow and try before I select the one I feel best speaks to me, understanding that whatever path I choose can diverge, loop around, branch off to something else, or end all together. Yet regardless of where I end up, where I am right now is here, Bryn Mawr College, and it’s a great place to be.