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Why Do Some People Develop Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Sarah Mellors's picture

As the child of a man whose acute Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is the dominant force in his life, and consequently, having grown up in a very unnatural, controlled environment, when deciding on a top for this paper, I dared to delve into the enigmatic world of mental illness. I thought writing on this disorder would be both interesting and would help unlock the secret behind my father’s abnormal behavior. It would also help me understand why, up until now, I have exhibited only mild symptoms of this condition, and if the disorder is in fact hereditary, what this means for me in the future. In order to answer these questions, an in depth examination of the disease is needed.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of many anxiety disorders, mental conditions that result in chronic fear and uncertainty in the victims’ minds. Anxiety disorders plague 40 million American adults, while OCD alone affects 2.2 million Americans (1). If anxiety disorders are left untreated, which they often are, symptoms can become increasingly worse. People with OCD experience persistent upsetting thoughts or worries (obsessions) and use rituals or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) to relieve their anxiety (2). OCD patients often experience repeated thoughts and images where they feel out of control and may even worry that they have harmed another person (3). Depending on the person’s fears, OCD can manifest itself in different ways. The most common symptom is an obsession with germs or dirt that results in repeated hand washing. Paranoia about intruders can lead to locking and relocking of doors and windows. Other common signs include repeatedly checking things, counting things, doing things in a particular order, or hoarding and refusing to dispose of old possessions. However, a person with OCD doesn’t necessarily have to partake in any of these rituals. In the most extreme cases of OCD, victims are unable to attend to their responsibilities and perform the tasks of daily life because they are so preoccupied with their rituals. What makes OCD so unique is that, according to studies, people with the disorder do not get pleasure out of doing these rituals; they carry out these actions to placate their anxiety (3).

It’s interesting for me to read what all the medical journals and online sources say about OCD because I can imagine my father performing the described rituals in my head as I read. However, his case is one of the extreme ones that is more difficult for doctors to understand. For example, my father follows a very strict regime everyday, doing everything in the same exact order; any interference with his daily routine will send him into a state of shock. If a person interrupts him while he’s going through his routine, he becomes very angry, agitated, and uncomfortable. He prefers to be alone as much as possible and lives on an isolated farm, where he has minimal contact with other people. OCD and clinical depression often go hand-in-hand, so it is likely that my father’s antisocial behavior is partly due to depression. My father, interestingly, does not exhibit many of the typical symptoms of OCD, such as frequent bathing and hand washing, or a need to constantly count things in a certain order. However, he does hoard possessions and hasn’t thrown out anything in about 30 years. It is easy to see how OCD can be misdiagnosed since many of its symptoms are characteristic of other mental illnesses; it’s taken me my entire life to figure out what exactly makes my father behave the way he does.

How can someone with OCD be treated? According to the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation, OCD is “underdiagnosed” and “undertreated” because many doctors are unfamiliar with the symptoms of the illness (3). No laboratory test exists for this disorder . Moreover, people with OCD often have trouble admitting that they have extreme anxiety or are unaware that their behavior is abnormal (3). However, if someone is diagnosed with OCD, several different methods of treatment can be implemented. The first is Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy through the use of a technique called Exposure and Ritual Prevention, where individuals gradually overcome their fears and learn that they do not need to perform certain rituals. The second method of treatment involves taking selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) along with tricyclic antidepressants. Studies show that OCD is usually the result of communication problems between the orbital cortex and the basal ganglia, two parts of the brain that rely on the chemical messenger serotonin to transmit signals. With the help of SSRIs, the serotonin is able to bind to the neurons’ receptors so it can help regulate excess anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Studies show that, “SSRIs seem to be the most effective drug treatments for OCD, and help about 60% of OCD patients, but do not ‘cure’ OCD” (2). In other words, medications that increase one’s serotonin levels can address the symptoms of OCD, but can’t make the disorder go away. Although the use of SSRIs or Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy seems to be an effective treatment for OCD, from doing research on this topic, it is clear to me that much about the disease is still unknown.

Why do some people develop this disease and not others? Is it genetic? Does the disease run in families? In my case, I wonder: Why did my dad develop this condition and not me? Will I acquire OCD in the future? Up until recently no specific genes for OCD had been identified, but scientists were looking for a link between genetics and OCD (3). However, two recent studies on the association between genes and OCD have illuminated a possible cause of the disease: a glutamate transporter gene called SLC1A1. This gene encodes a protein called EAAC1, which controls the flow of glutamate in and out of brain cells. According to an article in HealthDay News, “Variation in the SLC1A1 gene may cause changes in the flow of glutamate, which may put a person at increased risk of developing OCD” (4). The identification of the SLC1A1 gene marks a milestone in the search for the cause of OCD. If the close relationship between this gene and OCD is confirmed, dramatic improvements in the understanding and treatment of OCD can be made (4). With regard to the heredity of OCD, research shows that OCD does tend to run in families, though family members often times develop different symptoms from the disease (3). According to the HealthDay News article, “Close relatives of people with OCD are up to nine times more likely than other people to develop OCD” (4). Clearly, heredity plays an important role in the development of OCD. In my case, the fact that such a close relative of mine has OCD greatly increases my chances of getting it. Because symptoms can emerge at any time between age 3 and 40, I still have more than twenty years in which I am likely to develop the disorder (3).

Researching and writing this paper has helped elucidate a lot for me about Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. However, it has also made it apparent that much more research about this disease needs to be done before a foolproof method of prevention and treatment can be obtained. As of right now, scientists have only made ripples in the vast, dark ocean of mental illness, and nothing has been confirmed about the cause of OCD. I hope, for my own sake and for the sake of the millions of Americans who either have OCD or will be afflicted with it in the future, that the isolation of the SLC1A1 gene for OCD will lead to great strides in the study and treatment of this disorder.

World Wide Web Sources

1) The National Institute of Mental Health’s website with a special section on OCD

2) A Wikipedia Encyclopedia article, “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.”

3) The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation website with a discussion of OCD

4) A HealthDay News article entitled, “Genetic Findings Shed Light on OCD.”



myphysicalwellbeing's picture


hi thanks for the info

Gem's picture

My story

It’s so weird to read about other people who are similar to me. I get so lonely with my OCD. I’m a 28 year old single mother, my Ocd started when I was 8, with a phobia of death, I began to develop rituals to keep people I loved safe, I missed school a lot because I thought and worried about death, when I was about 10 I started getting bulimia, this all went unnoticed by my parents, my Dad was barely there but when he was he was angry and scary. My mum was angry st me too. She discovered evidence of my binge eating and instead of support I was shamed, she was furious. This caused me to further hide my emotions. The only person I trusted and who gave me unconditional love was my aunt but then she died of a rare heart condition, I blamed myself in ways and turned to drinking at 14. I was so lonely. I just desperately wanted to love and be loved. My parents divorced and my dad became my best friend but he was emotionally manipulating me to hate my mum. As I got older I had a relapse of ocd, I started having small anxiety attack’s but I didn’t know what they were, I got in to a violent abusive relationship, I had my daughter and then left the abusive guy. I did my best to be a good mum, and I’m lucky that my daughter is a confident, funny, loving young lady. A few years back my ocd turned in to health anxiety/hypochondria after my grandma died from a serious illness, I was then sexually assaulted by s close friend. I lost all my confidence and got in another bad relationship which almost destroyed me.

I left this and started doing some serious work on myself, went in to therapy, got a job, and really pushed myself, things were looking up then this August my dad who I hadn’t spoken to in a while due to his emotional crap he pulls was murdered. Regardless of my phobia I went to identify his body, planned his funeral, tried to say goodbye the best I could. But my ocd is coming back and depression. I want so bad to be happy and settled but who could love a girl with so much baggage. I love so deeply, I love my dad so much even tho he hurt me a lot, I love my amazing daughter, my mum my few friends but I’m defective, I come with a lot of crap attached and I feel so lonely but I will never stop trying, I’m going to keep believing in love and maybe one day I’ll beat this.

Melibee's picture


I read your post with a lot of compassion. You have been through an awful lot, but still have hope. That is a very good thing. I have been through a very tough life, too, and I want to tell you that things can get better. You sound like a really wonderful person who has had some very bad circumstances happen to you. We aren’t responsible for the bad things our parents do to us as children, of course. I’ll take that a step further, though. When you have poor parenting as a child, you don’t learn how to make good choices in a partner when you grow up. You don’t learn how to be a good parent because you had no role model. But here’s the thing, you have tried your best to be a good Mom because, unlike your Mom, you have empathy for your child and you care how she feels. The ability to care about others makes all the difference. You weren’t taught or shown good examples of healthy parenting, but because you have empathy, you will sense how to be a good Mom in most instances. Everyone makes mistakes in parenting, and that’s okay! The question is, did you show your child acceptance, respect and love most of the time? I’d say you did if she is confident, funny and loving now. Gem, children don’t have those qualities if you didn’t mirror Goodness to her the majority of the time.

You think about your own words, “I love so deeply”. That is a precious thing to be such a loving person, still. Hold on to that and know that there are plenty of people who have had relatively stable, easy childhoods who can’t love anyone deeply. But you do! Get some therapy to help you with any shame or remorse you may feel. I have carried my parents shame with me for decades over what they labeled me as a child. It’s an intolerable burden, and one I’m working on now. You can overcome your anxiety and OCD with help, and you already have really wonderful qualities that some people never develop. I want you to know that I think you are a really kind person who has been hurt and lost her way on occasion. You can move on from this and heal your heart and soul. I think you would make an awesome friend because you have a treasury of understanding that only comes from having experienced bad situations and survived them with your heart intact. May you find the help and the love you deserve.

Maraam's picture

Panic Attacks

I don't exactly know what to call them, but i remember that once i heard of a house being looted or robbed when i was 16, till now, i sometimes have dreams where i am trying hard to lock all doors and call the police and trying to save my family from being looted.
I sometimes wake-up at night to check all doors and locks because i don't trust my main house gate is secure... anybody could climb in from that gate. when i wakeup to check doors, my heart is racing and i controll my breath from panting and i am in extreme fear and my body freezes and its hard to move. this has happened 2 times i think. but dreams were very often.
I never could watch horror movies and seasons where there was a lot of blood shed or killings, because i couldn't stand it, and it gets on my nerves... Even if i watched it; i'd cover my eyes or look away in such scenes. for among you which have watched season "Gotham", I would feel like those asylum inmates were calling out my name and it freaked me out.
Once i felt so vividly that a women was in my house hiding from me and watching me, i was so scared that i couldn't even wake somebody up.
It has happened once that i don't have controll over my thoughts, and a face in my mind teases me, laughs, and i feel like im being watched, my heart beats fast and hard, i find myself unable to move out of fear, only a sight of a person of my family around me calmed me down then.
Last year there were two earthquakes here in Pakistan, (i live here), and i'd often wake up feeling strongly that the walls were shaking, i even yelled at my sister for not waking everybody up during an earthquake, (because when i woke up, she was already awake, studying). I even woke my family up at 3 once, shouting that it was an earthquake, and it wasn't. After this i realized myself that its all in my head, and it never happened again. In past 5-6 years, My nights flooded with CHASE DREAMS, every night, i'd see myself being chased by someone, could be a monster, a robot, an army, a thief, a killer, a cat, a dog, a snake, a catastrophy and many more, in different places etc.
I sing everytime I get scolded, It is sometimes very awkward, but i sing 80% of the times.
I had given up on me, till recently. I had a kind of a flashback or a nostalgic feeling of a time, when i actually felt like living, i had forgotten what it felt like... but that feeling reminded me that there is so much more to life than what i am doing. That is why i am startin to look for help, i want to be alive again.

Maraam's picture

sleeping disorder

i forget things now, i recently ask a class fellow 6 times within two hours if she were taking course. I feel mostly that people are laughing at me, it has gotten better now however. I have tried to stop trying to be perfect, for example, i decieve a bit, im not always there, i dont connect by heart to other people. WHat this changed in my life is that my heart didn't break, but i still am dissatisfied. I used to have suicidal thoughts when i was 12-16, but now i know im not gonna kill myself for some other ass hole's mistakes. Guilt problem has reduced. And i SLEEP A LOT. I know this is somewhat related to ocd, scientists just don't don't know it yet. Sleeping is kind of a refuge from me being a looser. I sleep in home, in bus, in class, in meetings, at home visits etc. I am usually made fun of because of this habbit. sometimes i care, sometimes i dont. the only disorder i see written on internet are of 'lack of sleep" Where as my problem is completely different. its been there since i was 12 till now. I have no control over my sleep. I stare peoples faces till i know each and every detail of what they look like.

Maraam's picture

I don't know if i had/have OCD. Help

Blessings upon you,
I am 20, girl. All i remember from when I was a kid is that I was a freaking ambitious girl. Very energetic, with an intelligent brain, Ready to change the world, ready to fight every hurdle that will ever try to stop me. What I am now is an overweight, anti-social, looser with an acne problem, whose life is a complete disaster. My journey from the past-me to present-me is full of many experiences. I remember making patterns when i was a kid. the floor of my house was marbled in two colors -red and white. I'd walk in a specific way such that my left foot never touches white and my right wouldn't touch red. It felt like the left foot doesn't deserve to be in white, and it was a "bad foot". I would practice walking like this all the time. Another thing I did was that i never opened my fists. I always had something in them, could be a pencil, a button or even a piece of thread,-anything useless which i'd never throw away- in both of my hands, i wouldn't open my hands to grab support even when i'd fall. All my life, I spent trying to be "perfect". Yes, Perfect is what I have been trying to attain all these years, turns out, still i ended up being the opposite of it. I remember when i was young, and didn't know about the meaning of word, I asked my mother, She and my brother, (who is three years older than me) laughed at me not knowing the word, I was 4 at max at that time. That moment kind of stuck with me, and i never asked anyone if i didn't know something because i felt embarrassed, and i think that's what stopped my growth process. My childhood was rich in incidents where my parents would have a fight. It was only verbal. Those times are a big part of my life. I couldn't let go of them for 18 years, until i decided to let go of them, guess what? i still can't let go. I just don't recall them again and again like i used to before, but i still care about that because i consider that part of my life responsible for destructing me. I also hold on to people and places I knew in childhood real hard. Recently i met a class fellow of grade 4, (we never saw eachother since grade 4). He didn't remember me or 90% of our class mates, but i remembered 95% of the names and all the faces and even incidents that happened at that time, -even the one which had nothing to do with me, or i was not a part of them. I loved each and every person so so so hard that no words could describe my love for everyone, my family, my teachers, my friends, my non-friends, my neighbors, even the people who never knew me, or the the ones i never saw twice. I loved others just the way we breath, 24/7 all my life. Always Being perfect, being the one that forgives, the one that sacrifices, the one that cares, the one that never betrays, the one that's always there for you with open arms no matter how you treat me. I developed a phobia of not-being-perfect. I would recall in my head all the stories and jokes i had ever heard or read, just for the fear of loosing them. I had guilt, extreme guilt for moments i embarrassed myself in front of people. Maybe thats why i became anti-social. I always knew that i was the odd one. You all should know that when a childs parents fight, the child decides in its brain, "a bad parent' and the other one as "good parent". And most likely all of his life, he would blindly believe that the "good parent" is always right. In my case, i chose it to be my mother. I thought of her as perfect. I would make explainations to each of her actions in my head, which she would have not even thought about. I'd fight with my dad for being a bad dad, and a bad husband. I don't know to this day if my parents failed being good parents. I strongly believe that Parents need to be very cautios of their childs mental growth in its early ages. Beacause a childs mind has no experience to seperate right from wrong, or even to know that whats once right, cant always be right. I still have guilt of so many thing in my life, some of them are so stupid even i sometimes laugh at myself for having guilt for them. Its just because i want to give all i have to the world. To the people who need it. I always wanted everyone to happy be even at the cost of me being crushed under a tank. People just never could understand my love. I used to have an irritating dream that i was upside down my body balanced on my head and i was facing a wall, i could neither speak, see, nor stand up straigh... i think it was kind of a trauma thing. As years passed, i came to know that my dad was the only one who beleived in me, (when i started transforming into a failure). He is a man of few words, he wouldn't say much but i knew he said on 1-2 occassions that i had more potential than anybody. That feeling that was enough for me to live with for the rest of my life, until one day. I was 15 at the time. That day, my parents had a fight again, and i remember him saying to my mum abouit me,'Maraam is decietful". I shattered. I am in tears even rightnow, while typing this. Like HOW COULD MY DAD MISUNDERSTAND ME? HOW COULD HE SAY THIS EVEN WHEN I AM CLEAR AS CRYSTAL? WHY WOULD HE NOT KNOW ME? WHAT DID I DO?? That night i cried myself to sleep, and next day wokeup a worthless looser whose roots had been chopped of in a single jerk. I once had to hold my mum's arm for an entire night and woke up again and again, beacuse i thouht that wind would take me away from my room out of my house. And it was not even windy that night. In the mean time i kept gaining weight. To the point I weigh 84 kg now and i am barely 5 feet. You can imagine how ugly i look. My face is naturally very pretty. People often tell me that I am pretty, but a physically fit person is way more desirable than pretty. I always felt guilty for not being what i was supposed to be, I am very intelligent with maths, (which ocd patients usually are, for the love of patterns i think). One thing i noticed is that i felt relieved after solving questions of mathematics. And i'd fill 4-5 registers with maths practice in every exam season. I never studied any other subject this much. All my class fellows and even teachers knew that i took 1/10 th of the time an average person does to pick a maths concept, But i still never scored higher than a B in the subject. Just because i didn't study. I do nothing. I procrastinate all the time. i am a perfectionist. And my whole room is a mess, (i share it with my younger sister). I am a complete opposite of what i want to be. thus has lead me to dissatisfaction with life. I am extremely dissatisfied. I also stare people i envy to the point they feel uncomfortable. Girls get annoyed and guys start thinking i have crush on them, which again troubles me because i don't want anybody to think that i am a stalker. because i am not. i cant help staring because i do it unintetionally. Whats torubling me now is that i have taken a 180 degree shift in last year. I am starting to forget my childhood memories, I even forget homework, i forget waht people said, or what happened maybe because i have stopped caring. i dont care anymore, Though there are something that make me go made, like now while i am writing this, i donot want anybidy to know that i am, and whoever enters my room, i'd change tabs and pretend im studying, thats basically what i do all the time. I am extremely anti-social with people i am not friends with. I could spend three days without saying a single word to a person if a dont want to. I just cant do something im told that im supposed to, maybe its like im done doing things im supposed to.., but no, i cant do it even when i try. For examle my dad tell sme to talk to guests that visit us more than just greeting. I find it very very hard to do that. I don't like guests, I cant talk to them, i find myself in constant struggle of what to talk about. I am a crazy person. i dont even take my meds. At first i thought its because im lazy but then i noticed i don't take them even when iam standing next to my medicines. Whenever my dad tells me to be normall, i say okay, but in my head im like,"screw you! you are the one that screwed my life. Im never gonna change" And that's it. I know you all be thinking i am a maniac, maybe i am. I don't even know if i need help or I should keep living this fucking stinky life till the day i die. I used to regret loosing my potential, but now i pretend as if it was never there and i was born a looser. Who does nothing, owns nothing, deserves nothing. Maybe its all just because iam an introvert, I just hope i find someone who is like me just so that i can die knowing that i was not the odd one.

tolje's picture

i am you

I never thought i would have found my other half but i found it in yor comment i am you just opposite sex all the others are the same just like we have lived eachother lifes.I wish you to contact me so we can share our "guesses" about eachother lifes

Maraam's picture

Hey tolje!

That sounds like an interesting thing to do. I have changed a lot over the years, but i'm ready to share and guess what i can. Your turn is first :D

Serendip Visitor's picture

Just wanted you to know you

Just wanted you to know you are not alone!

Praying for you!

Maraam's picture

Thanks! <3

Thank you so much dear! :)

Serendip Visitor's picture

wow you're so beautiful

I read everything you said and wow, you are amazing and kind and sweet and absolutely one of the most amazing humans beings I've ever met, and I never even met you. I really really really mean that. i love that you love everyone and everything with all your heart and soul and that you adore your family, friends, teachers, and people youll never see again. you sound like an amazing human being, and that's because you are.

you're little blurb you wrote on your life and everything just made me want to hug you XD I mean thats all it took for me to see how beautiful you are. I really hope one day you see that. Maybe you can start now. :) please start now, a soul as beautiful as yours doesnt deserve to be suffering. If it means anything I think I love you :) You are so sweet and still you cant see that. Please allow yourself to see that. You are worthy of love and happiness and kindness and all the beautiful things there are out there. They arent just for other people, they are for you. The trees, the grass, the huge expanse of sky we have, the clouds the smiling faces, the laughing children, and your family and friends- everything is there, and its also there for you. You aren't an exception, you aren't worth nothing, you are beautiful. You are a wonderful soul and I promise you, I promise you I can see that so so so clearly, like I'm tearing up just writing this. I don't know how old you are but you seem so mature and self-aware and I just want you to know that even though you don't know me I think you're honestly so amazing, and so, so, so worthy of love. Please please please believe that.

You came here because you have OCD, since you were a child- well me too! (maybe no exclamation mark is required there) Recently the OCD i had got wayyyyyy worse and I found myself here. Its nice to see someone whose so kind and wonderful here actually, it makes me think maybe Im not so bad, or maybe Im not bad at all. The ocd I have can really really really hurt me and make me feel all these horrible things about myself and even convince me that I want to hurt someone I adore so so so so much that I could never, ever hurt. Its sometimes a nightmare, but sometimes life just opens up and I kind of get of the big fog of ocd, like I'm waking up and go like 'wow the world is so beautiful!' And then the ocd might come back and hurt me, but I hope that will happen less and less.

I also want to say that I understand what you said about your parents and choosing sides, and the relationship with your dad. My parents used to fight sometimes, well a lot actually, and it even got physical once. I chose my moms sides, we all did, and my dad grew kind of distant from us, But he still wants the best for us, he provides for us, and he loves us even though like your dad he doesn't talk much. He's told my mom about how he's wanted to be close to us and he wishes he could be. My mom told me that one day and it makes things so much better to know that. I think your dad is the same, and he doesnt ever want to be someone who would want to hurt you and if he could see what his words did to you that night he would take them back as soon as he could. I dont know if this may be hard to believe but I think your dad loves you, and your mom, and everyone else too. Please open up your heart to the love of other people, not just giving your love, but receiving theirs as well. And most of all you need to open yourself up to loving yourself. Please! it will make everything so so so much better once you begin to realize, even just a a little bit, of how much love you deserve, and how much you're allowed to love you without fear or restrictions or hurt or anything like that. when I choose to open myself up to my own love, the whole world, all of my past, all of me, everything around me lights up and all the fears fade away like I'm healed, because in those days or moments or weeks, its impossible to hate myself or hurt myself in any way, I feel so much better and so alive! i hope you can too :)

Maraam's picture

thank you SO MUCH!

That is soooo sweet of you :) It is a very beautiful feeling to know that someone in this world still has a heart beating like yours to recognize love <3
And I absolutely love the fact that you wrote for me, I didn't consider myself worthy of it. I'm quick to respond to love just like a hungry person is quick to eat.
But what your comment has done for me here is worth a million hugs! <3 . Trust me, it boosted my confidence way more than anything ever did. I can't thank you enough for that. The fact that you could understand me so good explains how kind a person you yourself are. and when you mentioned the "love and happiness and kindness and all the beautiful things there are out there. ..... The trees, the grass, the huge expanse of sky we have, the clouds the smiling faces, the laughing children, and your family and friends- everything is there, and its also there for you.".. THAT ACTUALLY IS MY MEANING OF A PERFECT WORLD. GOD! You are just like a voice from inside me, it so cool actually :) . I am an immense nature lover and you seem to love nature too. nature has always been there to heal me, plants, animals, land, the sky... they've always been my friends and i love spending time with them.
And i think you are right about my father. I could never confront him because i don't want to embarrass him. You know there are many things besides this that he has done for me; he's my dad. I should just let go, but the fact that all those destructive thoughts and feelings originated from that night, is hard to let go. Guess what I think that I'll be able to let go of it for the very first time, in all these years, because of what you said. You are right and I'm sure my dad would want to take back his words if he finds out that they hurt me.
I'm so happy for you. its life saving that you can open yourself up to the love you deserve. I wish you to be more and more satisfied, loved, successful, productive and happy in your life. Thanks again for showing me my world through your perspective. And i'll love it if you could tell me at least your name, I'd want never to forget it :)
Blessings upon you

Serendip Visitor's picture

Also please please search up

Also please please search up Brad Yates EFT on YouTube. His channel is dedicated to healing people from the inside out, so it’ll help you. And his letting go of fear and for healing your relationship with your dad, letting go of anger and betrayal videos are where you can start :) honestly they helped me so much when I used them. I was crying through the whole thing. Good luck and take care :)

Serendip Visitor's picture

Hi! :)))))))))))) I hope

Hi! :))))))))))))

I hope since the last time you messaged me things have gotten better and you’re doing okay or maybe even amazing now :)
Reading what you wrote makes me tear up because you’re so beautiful, what you say and in your own life as well. It gives me hope, what you wrote, especially since the last few months I feel like my soul is being torn apart. So thank you so much for your words :)) I’ll remember them when I need them, and I know I will. my names Zain btw :)

Take care :)) also if you read this, how are you? I hope you’ve talked to your dad about what’s happened and how much he’s hurt you. I’d want that if I was him and it’s something you both need to heal. Reading just how loving you are and writing to you months ago is such a nice memory, I hope I’ll remember you :)

Maraam's picture

Heyyyy Zain!

How are you? I hope you are managing your OCD well.
You are right, talking to you is one of the very good memories I have :) I really want you to know what you did for me is priceless. I have screenshots of your first reply on my life, on my desktop. I read them whenever I feel down. I read them and it pulls me out of the vicious cycle of harmful thoughts that are there to knock me down. I hope i could write such beautiful words you too! You deserve much more beautiful words <3
And Because of what you said about my father, i was able to accept his unsaid apology. I cant thank you enough you for that. I mean it. and yes I talked to him about what bothers me. My parents were worried for me, because they couldn't figure out what was keeping me from using my full potential. So we talked and shared what we wanted and desired for each other. They were able to understand me, and I, them. How can you be so specific and right with your words Zain? :P Yes, my dad needed healing too. I have always felt sad for him. Specially in his age, when you reflect back on your life, I don't want him to regret anything. My opening up to him was great for him also!
God! I love you for this! <333 I am doing much much better now Ma Sha Allah. It has been a series of decisions and realizations that helped me grow out of the dark pit i had almost accepted as fate. I was close to becoming suicidal at that time. But all this journey started from you! I am neither joking nor lying. You gave me the courage to accept and love myself for who I am. You made me feel for the very first time that the problem wasn't with who i am, but with some wrong beliefs and choices i had made. The fact that I received such love, from you, was possible because i opened up for probably the first time in my life. And that's made me open up to love of others. Turns out, the teachers i thought hated me, were only there to help me. The class mates I thought wouldn't love me, were more kind and loving than I had expected. The family I thought underestimate me, has more faith in me than i myself. You gave me the courage to try once more. You gave me the courage to live. You should be proud of yourself. I am so proud of you! Being able to help others while you are stuck in the same problem is both bold and extraordinary, it should be very encouraging for you :)
I have reduced some weight 6kgs almost. and my acne is gone Alhamdulillah :) I feel way more beautiful and productive since last few months. There are days when i am down, and i gather myself by reading your comment. And then there are days when i am happy as a flower, and i visit this place again, just like today <3 The world is more beautiful and colorful now. I feel stronger and happier.
I can't say much about your situation because you haven't shared much. But i do wish and pray that you get the love, care, help, support from people dear to you and from yourself <3 You are the nicest i have talked to. I hope you can find someone at least as nice as you :)
I'll definitely check Brad Yates, Im glad he helped you
Blessings upon you

Serendip Visitor's picture

Hi!!!! :)))))) I just want to

Hi!!!! :))))))
I just want to start off by saying you're absolutely amazing and sweet and beautiful and your words put the biggest smile on my face while I was reading them :) I'm can hardly believe just how much has changed for you, its amazing isn't it? You sound so much lighter, so much happier and so free :) I love that. And I think its really sweet of you to say I had a role to play in that, but really I did nothing at all, just said things that were already true about you. You *are* a wonderful person and so kind, you deserve all the love in the world :)

About your father, I'm SO HAPPY for you! For both of you, that both of you are able to heal together. It's beautiful isn't it? Realizing how much you adore each other. I know you two will continue to be loving and patient and kind to each other. From what it sounds like its almost as if you have your dad back :) And your teachers and classmates too :) And you're healing on the outside as well! Though mending everything inside is what counts, it feels really nice to become comfortable with how you look too. It has its own sort of magic :) I can hardly believe all thats turned around for you, it makes me feel so happy XD You deserve all of it, everything. Your original post moved me to tears, just reading about how alone you felt, how sensitive you are to others and how big of a heart you have, and how hurt you felt. And now everything about your words is so hopeful and positive I love it :))))))) I love this so much and I hope things work out absolutely amazingly for you, and I know they will.

And my absolute favourite part of what you said was this:

You gave me the courage to accept and love myself for who I am.

I'm sure you know how beautiful and powerful that is, to love yourself. It's so incredibly warm, when you really and truly love yourself. Everything is more beautiful, more alive. It's such a special feeling and its something you've deserved since the beginning. I'm so glad you have that now :) Never let it go, you're precious and you deserve to believe it.

I also think reading my reply to you when you're down, because you're so moved by those words, is a great idea. Those aren't just my thoughts though, they are whats true about you. You really are amazing. And thank-you for your kindness so so so much. I didn't share my own struggles but hearing your story and being able to see your beauty helped me in so many ways :) Thank-you Maraam. (I think thats your name XD)

Take care of yourself. :)))))) Maybe we can update each other sometimes on how our lives are going. :) If this is the last message though I just want to say I'll miss you, and that the people in your life are lucky and blessed to have such a sensitive and sweet soul beside them. You are absolutely amazing and precious, I mean it. :)))

Maraam's picture

How's life going?

Hey Zain!
I miss you too! Its been a while since we last talked. But your beautiful words are ALWAYS with me. They were hard to believe when i first read them, now i try my best to work towards them if i feel i'm not that good. Its easier to be who you are, than to be everyone else's expectation. People let you do what you love when you show them that you REALLY love it. It makes you invincible. It might sound a little harsh, but the truth is that people love to be control freaks. They try their best to control the ones who care about them, or who are afraid of them, Once you stop fear and care from keeping you from living your life, life starts paying you back. It is good to care about others, just as long as it doesn't suffocate you. It is important to realize that God gave everyone their own life, yours is yours, theirs is theirs, you dont have a right to rule others, and neither do others have a right to control your life.

It is refreshing being here. Yes it is almost unbelievable how my life is turning around for me, and its amazing! My pace is slow, but i'm learning and practicing to push my limits and be more courageous and hardworking. I'm taking things slow because i don't want my life to be overwhelming for me. I'm still learning to let go of the fears that hold me back. All this time, I dedicated to figuring what works for me, and trying to take full advantage of my uniqueness. Many people suggested i should write, or do photography, and many other things, but i figured what suits me the best and ive recently started an online store for 'Jewelry made out of Clay'.Im happy i was able to start it, though im still learning, and self-teaching as always... it has always been my favorite thing to do. Getting my mind busy with such stuff gives me lesser time to think about stuff that could pull me down. Having something you have to support, gives you a constant drive to achieve more and more.... if anything, it is something healthy for me to think about and work towards. I'd recommend you to start seriously working at something you think you are best at. Don't worry about people, don't worry about your pace, just do what you love and share it with others...You'll definitely find it helpful. Please check out Gary Vee if you haven't already, he keeps me motivated all the time. I get low real fast sometimes, and all i need in those times is a word from him. He is one of the very few people worth following. Check him out and let me know how you feel! Can't wait to here from you again! <3 :)

Maryam's picture

I have just read this comment

I have just read this comment section and wow! it is truly inspiring and beautiful. From reading you first post to read your last (this one) it shows how much you've changed (for the better, obviously) and it makes me so happy because I have gone through a similar experience ( I was diagnosed with OCD at 13) and i was in such a horrible place but this changed and I'm so so much better and I'm so thankful. I love reading other peoples experiences with OCD and other mental illnesses because they are truly inspiring. I wish you all the best, Maraam and Zain <3

Serendip Visitor's picture

I'm so happy for you!

Hey Maryam!
Im so happy that you were able to heal from your circumstances. Thank you for wishing me luck <3 I'd love to hear your experience with ocd, if you'd like to share :) And yes it sure is healing to find out that you aren't struggling alone, there are many other silent fighters :0

Serendip Visitor's picture

Thank-you :) You were so

Thank-you :) You were so young when you were diagnosed with OCD. It hurts to see the lives and time it's taken away but the pain molds us into beautiful people. I wish you happiness in your life too :)))

John's picture

overcome OCD and start living

I am a 23 year old male and have had extreme OCD over the last 6 years and had general OCD and anxiety for all of my life. I have been at rock bottom with this; I have avoided all day every day and only thought of my anxious thoughts all day everyday. It started with fear of blushing since I was 10 years old and progressed to worrying about diseases and then got much worse. I have been at rock bottom - feeling very suicidal. As we all know it is hell.

I want everyone to know that you can get through this but you must take action! Everyone In the world feels anxiety - however when we avoid situations or suppress thoughts due to that anxiety - then we have a problem!

I wish somebody had told me this years ago - we are all petrified by our fears - so much so that I could not even Google OCD and find out how to help myself because my OCD would not let me. And so lets make a fear to help us - I want everybody on here to be absolutely petrified of not taking action to get overcome their OCD - really really really realise how every single day spent on this - every hour even - is an absolutely complete fucking waste of your precious life!!!! I want you to really really get upset and angry and scared of the fact that you could still have just as much OCD next month - because a month becomes a year and a year becomes your life- and a year in your youth is worth a thousand of when you are older and so you must realise this now!!! Be scared of what this is doing to your health!! I wish I had felt the fear of carrying on with OCD more - because only then will you find the courage to conquer your fear. Use fear to your advantage and be more scared of not taking action!!!!

Maraam's picture

Such a constructive comment

What you shared is so much full of hope and care. It helped me, i hope it helps others too.
God bless you :)

lis's picture

concerned about ocd


I have a friend and her sister (18 years old) has ocd and i'm concerned about her because she repeats a lot of things. Her parents notice but they don't pay attention, there isn't a lot of communication in the family. Even when she suddenly cry's at the dinner table her mother just looks and doesn't even asks if everything is alright. She wants help but then she doesn't want it anymore. I think it's because of her thoughts she has. Her older sister has it as well but with letters. Now she is like over it but she said that ANYONE can get it at ANY age.

First I want to know if.. what if I bring her to a specialist and she doesn't want to.. what do I do? do I and her family have to wait until she wants it herself or can we just do it for her?
Is it dangerous to "push' her to go to a specialist?

and second.. can anyone at any age get OCD? btw i'm 21.

Gaye Güngör's picture


I am devastated by reading all the entries. I am not sure if my OCD is that severe but I have anxiety, panic attack and depression and every time I have a nervous breakdown, I have them a lot by the way, I get the thoughts that I poisoned my body and I will develop a type of cancer and it will go untreated and I will die. I saw one lady's entry up who had Stage 4 breast cancer and I think she had it because all that suffering. Do you think I will make myself ill? Our bodies cannot sustain stress for so long. My disorder has been here for 7 years now. Please help me.

Maryam's picture


Hello, first of I would like to say you are a very strong person for going through all of this for so long. Now, I don't know if i will be of much help but i experience similar thoughts all the time- if i experience any pain in my breast for example i start thinking i have breast cancer and start checking for lumps and researching symptoms ( don't research the symptoms anymore though) and if I'm about to go on a plain or rollercoaster all I can think about and imagine is myself dying. So, you are not alone. How do i cope with them? Well, one thing you should know if you have OCD is that it will never go away, it will always be there, but we can live with it ! It is difficult at first to cope with it and process the thought that it will never go away but I promise you can overcome it. When i went through therapy my therapist would always tell me that OCD is like being on a plane and your obsessive thoughts and habits are like your companions. They will always remain on the same bus with you but you can choose to ride with them peacefully. How can you do that? Well, accept the thought. I know its easier said than done, but please try it. If you get a thought that's like ' you have poisoned yourself and you will die' simply just say 'Okay. Thanks for informing!' its as f someone you hate is calling you ugly so you just brush them off and play along 'yeah, I'm gunna die so what you gunna do about it?' And i know you have probably heard this but death is inevitable. We will all die in the end, so what's the point of waiting for it to happen and worrying about it. You will not live this way. ( I apologize if I sound a bit harsh) Please try your hardest not to go to the hospital to get your blood tested to relieve your anxiety over having cancer because it will turn into a never ending cycle. I truly wish i helped in some way I genuinely wish you all the best and you are a strong person, i promise you it will get better. <3

Chris's picture

Hello Gaye, The direct answer

Hello Gaye,

The direct answer is NO.
Don't worry about the cancer, just eat healthy stuffs and you will be fine.

It's just us that have OCD that OVERTHINKS everything. My OCD attacks from time to time. And everytime i have it I OVERTHINK about everything. I am only able to realize it when I am "normal".

And I suggest think of something that can make you feel relaxed, example vacation to some where. Then take it. It will refresh you and will make you realize that everything is fine.

Just always think that we (OCD people) just overthinks a lot but in reality everything is fine.

Hope you get better Gaye.


Chrissy's picture

My live in boyfriend is driving me insane

Of course when ur dating someone u don't know their idiosyncrasies both good or bad or weird... well the red flags i dismussed which were he was living hv with 9 cats basically sleeping in his bedroom and everywhere else in the forward I fall in love moved in about 8 months ago, cleaned up tons of areas which looked like he never cleaned and I was quick to see that he wanted to tell me how to do laundry, that I was putting too much in a the machine when I wasn't, or redoing things over that I've told him I first he wld just say Hunny you don't hv to clean the bathroom which is basically used for the cats litter boxes, huge ones that stink as u could imagine. . He had a fit when I thought I was going to save him time and surprise him and scrubbed that whole bathroom, no he got a crazy look when he came home like I put shit everywhere when I actually Scrubbed like mad woman in there and all he says is not tgank you But a clear Statement....said please don't do anything in that room, what??? Why? I CRIED because I didn't understand why he was acting crazy,.. then eventually takg my familys advice I started to try to ignore his craziness when he came home from work,

This is his daily clockwork rituals which he does repeatedly everyday vacuum a filthy bathroom for about a half hour, then wash their water bowls when I had already done it, wash his work coffee mug for another good fifteen minutes, shave his head for another half hour outside of bathroom mind u because no where to sit in bathroom then piles up these ridiculously huge litter boxes takes his shower, while I'm cooking happily and then by that time he bare lying eats because he just wants to get to bed as he gets up at 4am. Then if I fix or change anything around the home to improve areas he grts to upsetting me to tears..then he starts you verbally bully me to mske me seem like I'm a "bad girl" for not doing things His fact he says I Told you specifically Not to do this or that.. ps this is why I can see his wife left him with their son...divorced..

then once in bed he says He loves me and falls asleep
He is generous in other ways send sweet but then flip side switch like living with Sybil
... too often much crap to deal with and the rest of the house is filled with tools and trinkets that he buys or finds never using or enjoying tons of trains and . the list goes on as well as he is in debt although he has a decent job. THE He definitely has OCD and minute I'm his world next I'm driving him crazy he says,,. Defense mechanism to me me distracted from what rituals he is doing,. I hv my own anxiety but I never stress anyone to this type of Controlling and manipulation as well.. like once he's done then all is forgiven? He doesn't take care of major work needed in home, just these rituals laundry, cat litter bixes, refilling, oh too much to write..... and I'm the one making an appt for myself you deal with this with a therapist... maybe I'm crazy... although I love him, no way to live. I came here as I fell in love and he promised that my stress days were over...they only just keep getting worse... Sugesstions??? Thankx

peggy  mcdonald's picture


since I was a little girl I have had anxiety for instance I would lick my finger and hae to touch things over and over differevt object and other issues as well is this something that is part of ocd or am I just generally weird?

Serendip Visitor's picture


Hi, yes touching things over and over or in different ways, licking fingers etc is for sure ocd. My neurologist told me as my whole family has it

Visitor's picture

OCD and Depression

When I was in eight grade my ocd began along with depression. Being so young I was very confused as to why I couldn't control my own thoughts that the "ocd " could do that for me. I made some bad decisions in school nothing too serious but this is what started my guilt and depression. I went on into a very deep and dark depression for several months at one point thinking of suicide. Thankfully I have an amazing family that was able to get me to a psychologist and Doctor to properly medicate me. As time progressed I became lesser depressed and able to control my ocd. Still being young and in highschool now I didn't feel normal. I saw that taking medication meant It was a bad thing(though it's not). So I began to mentally fight my ocd with everything I had. Eventually I was able to reduce and completely stop my medication. Today I'm not fully cured at times a deep guilt for something small will still set in but I fight it yet. Or I will worry for something of little importance.
But now I'm happy. I'm alive. I have many great new friends and an amazing family. Things got better. Things will indefinitely get better for you too. I don't tell my story for pity but to try to prove that things will get better through the darkest of times!

Serendip Visitor's picture

Well Hi everyone..... I am 30

Well Hi everyone.....
I am 30 years old male and I have OCD from my childhood, I think when I was 14-15 year old. I have wasted five precious years from my life during academics because of OCD. Some how I managed to do MSc In Microbiology and currently working in a company with very low salary. Currently I am stable but some episodes of panic attack and Obsessions are still there. Some guilt is in my mind that if I didn't wasted my five years I could have been on a different position now with a great salary and experience. Currently people who are very younger than me are my seniors. It is really problematic and discouraging to me as youngsters are ordering me and they are thinking that this gap is because I didn't studied but don't know about the reason. They just think me as an idiot. Now I have to move faster than those for recovering some gap between me and those people. What should I do?

Serendip Visitor's picture

OCD has wasted my life

Dear friend,
I have the same problem..I am 35 and It is 17 years that I am suffering from OCD..I have lost the most valuable opportunities of my life because of OCD..
By the way, are you on any kind of medication for treatment?

Serendip Visitor's picture


I developed OCD with depression, and guilt when I was about 10 or so. It was very disabling. Early in my 20s I discovered something that helped. I started taking l-glutamine 500 mg tablets for working out and my OCD diminished after 3 days. I tried it several times and it worked every time. I then suspected food allergies and got tested. To my surprised, I had several food items I removed from my diet. I did even better after this. I believe I have "leaky gut" and try to eat very clean. I may experience OCD once every 3 years or so now and only feel depression when I eat certain foods I am sensitive to. I think these symptoms were related to food. I hope this helps someone. Please let me know if it does.

Serendip Visitor's picture


I solved my OCD, depression, and anxiety using l-glutamine years ago and tried to share this with everyone with no response from anyone who’s tried this. Si am am not sure it works for everyone. My theory is that l-glutamine tablets helps alleviate irritation from food allergies and leaky gut. Glutamine also helps heal intestinal damage. Wheat and milk were my worst allergies and really helped when I avoided these foods and started glutamine. You can order this on Amazon from different brands. Please try and let me know if you get relief.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Pure O Question

I have a 19 year old daughter who suffers from sexual OCD. She has problems being around small children, because even though she understands that she is not a pedophile (not really attracted to children sexually), she is afraid she will do something to them. Now, from all that I read, I truly believe this is Pure O. We have spoken with a therapist who agrees with this. However, her biggest problem is that she used to babysit and keeps thinking she might have held the child too close, or too long, or inappropriately, or any number of actions. This is what she constantly obsesses over, and goes through circles in her mind about. She is convinced that it's not just thoughts, but actions. I believe it is her mind twisting her OCD thoughts into inaccurate memories (she even says she can't remember things accurately). She says she never sees anyone post actions, only thoughts, and she is convinced she is a bad person, not worthy of not feeling guilty. Has anyone out there experienced the feeling that they have actually acted on their thoughts even though most likely they have not?


mercymom's picture

Pure O Question

My son is 19 and also has "Instrusive Thoughts OCD". They are usually sexual, of harm, relationship focused, or as you mentioned, fear of being sexually involved with children. He constantly checks and rechecks himself. Is worried if he did or saw something that was legal or not. At one point, he wanted to go to the police to tell them his thoughts as he felt he should be in jail. He has not had internet access due to loosing his phone, and I think this has been a huge help for him as he has changed his new obsession to anxiety with his girlfriend rather than the sexual ocd. Having access to the internet and other social media is a huge trigger for people with OCD in the nature that our children have it. He has been to the point of feeling suicidal due to the feeling of having no control with these thoughts and not wanting to continue life with them or the anxiety they cause. Yes, he has anxiety that he may have acted on his thoughts. Even though he knows he has not, he'll even entertain the thought of maybe having done something in his sleep. I constantly have to reassure him and answer the same questions over and over and over. It is very hard dealing with some of these thoughts, especially as a parent. It is exhausting as you are probably the only one she goes to to trust in her thoughts, and the constant daily reassurance you have to give her. It can become agitating at times which brings you guilt as a parent. One thing you have to do is see this as a disorder....not them or who they are. For example, I often tell him, you are a good person, your disorder is making your mind think this...but you would never do this. I can't say enough how important therapy is for this disorder. The anxiety these thoughts give is so intense and overpowering. This is why they have to tell it and need reassurance. What your daughter is going through is the complete "norm" for her type of OCD. Hugs to you mom...I know all too well your concerns and worry.

Serendip Visitor's picture


I am 36 years old and was molested by an uncle and two girl cousins at the age of six. It happened many Times over the course of two year's because although my parents were separated, none of them loved me enough and from that age had already spawned me off to grandparents on both sides, while preparing to make another family. And because of it, it also happened more Times with other relatives who were my age as well from seeing other family members do it.The end result is that when the living grow up, and there is communication between those family members and it is never discussed, problems leak from everywhere, especially if the man or woman in the situation is not feared one to another. Another is that anyone going through this is not coming from a family that is strong. Strong also meaning in communicating and being there for one another. She may have even been touched from young herself and felt guilty for liking it until she realized just how wrong it was or vice versa and guilty about that feeling she got. All of these are why people like her suffer in silence; the world is cruel, and only therapists and psychologists who speacialize in this area should be talked to about it. This may also be a trait in your family. It might have happened to you as well. Coming out about it will not help, but getting professional help will. Just that one person she can express herself to the way she wants without letting it get out is what she needs; don't force that person to be you if you aren't . another question you half to ask yourself is if she ever saw you get abused from young, or if she ever walked in on you having sex. You'll be surprised at how many fingers psychologically point back to you.

Sameer's picture

I am sam, I am 20 yrs

I am sam,
I am 20 yrs old and I was diagnosed with ocd for about 4 yrs but now when I look back the roots of it were laid few yrs before it.
It is interfering my daily life to a great extent.
I failed my 1st yr of graduation but some how managed to pass the next time.i feel like crying when I miss the way I was before ocd entered my mind, but can't cry. My family n friends have noticed the difference in my behaviour and are worried about me. But what they dont know is the volcano of fearful n negative thoughts errupting in my brian.i identify myself greatly with a story of person mentioned above in the name of yanky. I was and partially am an ambitious person , but I feel with my present state of mind I can't fullfill my dreams . It hurts me vry badly .I try the exposure theory sometimes but could not stand the uneasyness it creates. I fear that something voilent or bad will happen to me or people around me when isee some specific poeple or hear some things and then the rituals starts, of reaprting every thing with other thoughts in mind, which are the opposite of the bad thoughts. It happens throught the day. I know this is insane but can't control it long enough.i am extremely tired of this and want to get rid of it. I feel like running away somewhere. I have tried the ssris but they only make me sleepy. I really hope to god for a good life with a peaceful mind. The worst part is that people around me including myself are aware of my capabilities and me wasting them. I really dont want to live this way and waste the life god gave me. We live only once . I wish we all try and conquer this monster some day . God be with us. If anybody can help me I would be frover grateful.

Deepak sikarwar's picture


When you will forget to play in your mind-made life then only you can succeed ... and always remember to say ... i dont care !
be a little bit selfish man !
be free and dont think about cheap things and dont play with your feelings
and just change the topic man ... and if you really like someone then just say hahaha whenever in worry be humorous every time ... every time ...

Chris's picture

It will get better

Hi Im Chris and I've suffered from a severe case of OCD,
My disorder first appeared around 10 years old and at that time it was a fear of our house burning down in the night if the stove was left on. However these were only the first warning signs and my full on mental breakdown happened at the age of 14. At this time I was experimenting with marijuana and me my friend Jordan had been smoking already on a few occasions although without myself successfully getting high. I think it was about 4-5 time we smoked that it finally worked for me. It was a mind altering shock of an experience. We were at Jordan's house while his parents were gone and when we woke up the next day we began talking about the psychedelic experience we had. Jordan said something about a person that had smoked weed and stayed high for the rest of his life and basically never came back to reality. I remember feeling very disturbed and uneasy about the idea of being in a constant state of high. The next day going to school I remember feeling my heart rate elevated and fever coming on. Something was not right. I went to see the school nurse and she said that your having a panic attack and told me to lie down and listen to soothing music. Didn't help me at all. I don't know why but even though the nurse told me that its a panic attack my mind kept telling me that I must be getting sick. I guess i wasn't really listening to what she had to say. I left school and went home and told my mom that I'm feeling sick. I remember lying on the bed watching phone booth and not being able to focus on the movie at all. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why my thoughts kept interfering with my movie experience. Then all of sudden I had the thought "what if" i couldn't be able to control my thoughts and that I could never enjoy another movie cause my thought kept interfering with it. Thats when i lost it completely. The funny thing is that my worry was avoid of any meaning in the conventional sense. It wasn't like the idea of the stove being left on or somebody hurting me or my family but just the idea of the intrusive though itself was enough to scare me. Later on other ideas popped in to my head which also freaked me out. Usually sexual of nature e.g. insest, pedophelia and beastality. At that time my parents were having a divorce and it was very difficult to talk to anyone cause my mom and dad were fighting a lot and I didn't want to upset anyone with more problems. Later my anxiety became so overwhelming that i opened up to my family members only to find them really confused and unable to really help me. The only relief i ever got in that period was when i went to sleep but the moment I woke up and the first moment i remembered my thought (anxiety) i would be launched back into my madness. Its a really strange thing to be in constant state of anxiety day after day. I remember how exhausted I felt coming home after school. I remember being in tears wanting to die. Imagine your mind not being able to focus on anything except the worst for a whole one and half months. It was horrifying period of anxiety which only came to an end when I finally realized that i could get a control on my thoughts by creating certain rituals and mind games. The first ritual i performed was touching a tree. Simple but effective at the time. I felt relieved that my intrusive thoughts were going away. Although now I was just replacing them with silly rituals. I kept doing my OCD rituals till the age of 25. In that 10 years I had a wide variety of different rituals. Usually some counting was involved and tapping and touching something. Anything my mind would come up with. Oh yeah I found a list of bad numbers of which 29 was the worst. Anytime a bad thought would come back I would have to perform a certain ritual. The amount of time I've spent on performing ridiculous rituals is unbelievable. Most of time I was late to school cause I would get stuck with my rituals. If people were around me I would try to avoid making it obvious that Im doing something weird so a lot my rituals would adapt to being more subtle. Blinking x number of times or looking at something or breathing in strange patterns would also be adequate as rituals. As time went by my rituals also got more difficult to complete. Forget touching a tree now I was on one foot holding my breath while tapping a dot multiple times on the wall. I remember one time spending over 3 hours in the morning night trying to complete one ritual before i could fall asleep. I knew deep down in my heart that i couldn't continue living my life this way and that i had to face my demons once and for all. So finally i decided to stop and its been two and half years since i fully quit doing any rituals and I'll admit that it hasn't been easy but its definitely been getting better with time along with my healthy daily routine. What I've noticed that has helped a lot is changing the way you think about your feelings towards certain stressors. Our thoughts really can impact how we feel and thats why its really important for us to take responsibility for how we engage ourselves through dialogue. When bad thoughts pop into your head you should notice it and understand it for what it is but not let it become the reality you subscribe to. Also I recommend having a daily routine and healthy diet/exercise. Godspeed and I hope this can help you!

Tupe's picture


I can relate to your situation.

WHat i dont understand now is, I can sleep when im not planning it at all. For example when I lie in bed with my toddlers to let them sleep, at this instance I can also sleep.

But at times when I plan to sleep, then its very difficult for me to sleep.

ANd sometimes when I wake up to pee, i cant go back to sleep anymore. There is a feeling of fear which I dont understand.

Need help, bigtime. Please.

Serendip Visitor's picture

Has your dad ever been tested

Has your dad ever been tested for aspergers?

Laxman's picture


Dear sir,

My son who is running 33 years age . Since 12 / 13 years, he is suffering with OCD , anxiety and always having repeating thoughts in his mind including,

depression – feelings of sadness and hopelessness, and loss of interest in the things . He does not show any interest taking any job for his living.
eating disorders – conditions characterised by an abnormal attitude towards food that have caused him over eating always.
generalised anxiety disorder – a condition that causes him to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than one specific event
a hoarding disorder – a condition that involves excessively acquiring items and not being able to throw them away, resulting in unmanageable amounts of clutter in his wardrobe.
Though he has been taking homeopathy medicine given by homeopath. It is only controlling but no cure.

Can you advice if there are any medicine for this problem.

Thanking you .


Serendip Visitor's picture

30 year Male with Pure-O

I had a ' thought spike' about 3 years ago, I was under alot of stress brought on by a hyper ambitious state, potentially manic phase. I have been successful in my career but my 'spike' caused repulsion/guilt/shame which I would endlessly try to resolve in my head. I fell in to depression immediately as I felt these thoughts undermined me as a good person to my family and myself. I struggled for a year, then found out about Pure-O which gave me some relief, I also sought counseling which again gave some relief. I realised that this episode being the worse was not the first. I had depression in my teenage years and had a different thought spike that I would remunerate on. Reading this forum has been helpful to hear again Im not alone, as I still have depression and theses spikes.

I feel I can conquer it some day. I do feel I wouldnt be the person I was if I didnt think the way I did, for example I am very focused with work in a creative field, would I be the same person if I didnt have OCD?

Essentially 'us sufferers' only want to be good people and are devastated at the thought of being bad or hurting someone but even though we are not actively doing it to others, we are only doing it to ourselfs.

I hope everyone finds a way to be happy, as I know your pain!

Tiny's picture

Not that I no of my mum has

Not that I no of my mum has got ocd thoo

Tiny's picture

Really well put that

Really well put that statement you made about ocd.

Serendip Visitor's picture

OCD is killing me..I am 22

OCD is killing me..I am 22 years old. I have this cleanliness thoughts on my mind all the time. I need to wash my hands often when I touch atm machine, friends mobile, computer mouse, door handles etc.. I also have this thought where I have to think good before I go out of my house or before I close the door, lights , etc. I always think of something negative when I do those things and I repeat the conditions until I think of a good thing .. Its mentally tiring.
I had different kind of of OCD through the years.. I have overcomed some of it and some have reduced.
OCD have caused alot of hardships for me.. I graduated with A grade marks from high school but my college life is a mess.. I just can't concentrate on my studies.. OCD is not the only reason for my bad grades in college but its one of the main reasons.. I can't socialise like a normal guy though I have friends .. I just feel lonely inside and I want to be alone most of the times coz I am always mentally tired due to OCD..

Serendip Visitor's picture


My self Yanky. I am 28 Years old.

I have suffering with this OBSESSIONS and OCD since age of 15

I was never having such kind of things before that but after my age has crossed 15 it has increased year on year and has effected me very badly (not health wise) but on my career, education and personal relationships, socializing and communication

My education was the most effected. I was a very good student till junior college but after that due to this OBSESSIONS and OCD has made my education very bad...I was always sleeping, playing games, watching movies trying to avoid this which ultimately has effected my studies and I just became a below average student. My confidence levels have become very low and thoughts of suicide have increased due to this but somehow I managed to get rid of those thoughts. I myself tried to keep on working to avoid these obsessive thoughts by developing a new hobby for myself which was reading novels, books and biographies. I felt very relaxed during the time I was reading the book and the day after completely reading the book. However, next day again the same obsessive thoughts creep inside my mind again

Later i tried moving from out to another Location (city) it was good for first initial few days but later again the same obsessive thoughts are back again and again. This time I decided to shift to an other country as well in the name of studies. It was cool and going greatly for a few days but as usual thoughts have come back again and again. This time being an alien in a new country situation was even more worst where in I was living all alone and thoughts never left when I was idle.

I somehow managed to complete my higher education with a first class both Bachelors and Masters. But I have brought down and was below the expectations of my parents, family and friends. This made me feel even more bad. I was very much helpless.

I couldn't dare to express my love and feelings to the girl I loved very much due to this obsessiveness and had to lose her to someone else.

Today I have become a big pain for myself unable to socialize and communicate freely with others.

I haven't got the career I was opting for, I was down in my education, I haven't got the job I wanted to do (even though I got it) and also couldn't express my love to any one. I stand today as a winner from outside but inside the pain and loneliness is not expressible in words.

I would like to get rid of this OCD and would like to lead normal and successful life. I don't want to waste the life given by God in such a way. But helpless can't do anything. My brain and the thought process has become so unstable and inconsistent that people started to question my confused mind and started calling me fickle minded

Ultimately I cannot socialize always feel like sitting alone

Serendip Visitor's picture

I just turned 20 and I have

I just turned 20 and I have been having a lot of issues. For the last 6 months I keep having vivid thoughts that im going to harm my family members, when I know I really couldn't do something like that. IT SCARES ME SO MUCH. I even thought about suicide many times just so I don't have to deal with these thoughts... because I care about my family so much!!! I always just wanna cry! its horrible!!! . I even have been to the doctors and have been on medicines to help with this and its just not working.. is their anyone that can give me good advice on how to fight/ get over these scary thoughts?? I just wanna feel back to normal before these thoughts ever started.

Leah's picture


Why don't you go to a good doctor and try medicine. Your thoughts and anxiety is from the disease not you! Very hard to understand while will get better, I promise! I was in your shoes thirty years ago. Still on meds but life is great. Keep fighting! You can do it