Bridges and Edges: On Pride and Risk

This 360 stands out to me as the most academically invested I’ve ever been in a class during my time at Bryn Mawr. This is in part due to the fact that it followed directly after the semester during which I wrote my senior thesis, an incredibly difficult experience that helped me grow in so many ways. I was not very well supported, academically, and this was particularly hard given the gravity and intensity of the project. However, because I got a lot of emotional support from friends and family, I was really able to interrogate the feelings that were coming up and that have always come up for me around school work, feelings of isolation and incompetence that have historically led me to try less hard and put more time into extracurricular activities rather than readings, papers, or assignments. I had learned a while back that I wasn’t very good at school, but through the emotional work I did while writing my thesis, I discovered that that’s just not true, that I have as much potential to excel academically as anyone else.

This 360 was the perfect opportunity to put this newfound knowledge to the test due to the intensely interdisciplinary and student-driven model. I was so excited to get started that I actually read much of the initial readings before I even got back to Bryn Mawr, and throughout the semester I continued to prioritize reading for class in a way that I never have before, not even in my first year of college. It felt so good to be engaging with the class discussions at a deeper level, to know that, as difficult as it still was to make myself focus enough to get through parts of a reading, that work was enriching an already rich dialogue on complex topics about which I care greatly.

I will say that “Working with Economic Data” was less of a priority, and as such I put less time into it than the other two classes. While I do see it as part of this 360, and I certainly learned a lot from it, it didn’t make my 360 experience in the way the other two classes did, and for the purposes of this paper, while I will largely lump English and Education together (though not always), I will first reflect separately on my participation in Economics. I do feel pretty good about my level of participation; I put in the time I wanted to and didn’t when other things felt more important to me personally. I do regret missing quite as much class as I did, because I usually enjoyed class when I went. That said, I was active in all the classes I attended, contributing a lot to both partner and class discussion. I think it was hard for many of us, myself included, to have vibrant discussions so early in the morning (I know, 10 am is not that early for most people!), but I pushed myself to be vocal, knowing that I learn best through engaging in dialogue and asking questions. I hope I won’t sound to presumptuous when I say that I have the sense that this was to my own benefit as well as to the benefit of others, because I noticed more people would continue asking questions, offering explanations, and gaining deeper understanding once the first couple of questions were asked.

I also put a fair amount of time into work for Econ outside of class. I completed all of the memos, most of which I spent a lot of time on and really tried to understand what was being asked, what skill we were supposed to master. I could have been more proactive and, rather than waiting until the last minute to work on them and hand them in at 3am, gone to talk to David about questions I had. Even as a senior in college, procrastination is still one of my biggest weaknesses, and I have a feeling I’ll be working on it most of my life. One thing about Econ class that was particularly difficult for me was the structure of doing the online assignments before class, especially during the first half of the semester. First of all, I was frustrated by having to pay for access to an online course when most supplemental course materials I’ve needed in the past I’ve been able to find use for free (in the library) or get for very cheap. The fact that this course required students to pay over $50 brings up some issues of access. I chose not to buy the textbook, in part because I didn’t want to pay for it and in part because I don’t learn well from textbooks, and this made it hard for me to complete many of the Sapling assignments. Still, I attempted most of them, and I’ll admit that at times I even learned things from them (though the bulk of the learning came when we talked about the ideas in class the next day).

While I realize much of the purpose of the Econ class was for us to develop and master concrete skills and tools related to economics, my favorite discussions were always those that were more open-ended and obviously related to the rest of the 360. I really appreciate the way pairing economics with issues of social and environmental justice further complicated the way I view and approach such problems, and I felt really pushed to challenge assumptions I had about justice and equality and capitalism (though I still think capitalism is wrong and that it is at the heart of most of the world’s problems). It’s always important to look at issues from many angles, and Economics provides a helpful lens that I am very unaccustomed to.

Of course, my beliefs and assumptions were challenged daily in the other two classes as well, by the readings and especially by the circular, unanswerable discussions we had in class. As I mentioned before, I’m proud of the role I had in class dialogue, because I felt involved and connected to the other students, and because I worked hard to do so. I know that my voice (like everyone else’s) was integral, as was my leadership. Taking my voice into postings and essays wasn’t an easy translation (*wink wink*), in part because I have always struggled with putting my thoughts on paper. Certainly it is easier for me when I am responding or being responded to, and for this reason Serendip is a helpful forum for me to communicate with written word. Many of my posts were comments on the posts of others, which was important in bringing our class discussions beyond the walls of the classroom. That said, I know I could have done a better job of posting. There were a few posts I missed and then made up later, and I often posted past the deadline, making it less helpful for Anne in planning class. I also noticed a growth the quality of my posts throughout the semester. For much of the beginning of the semester, I was often posting just to post. I had good things to say, but I didn’t always put much time in to thinking about how I wanted to convey my ideas. But by the end, especially in the last few posts for the Hungry Tide and one for Jody’s class, I really put a lot of time and energy into forming my thoughts in a way that was really understandable and helpful.

I experienced similar growth in the longer paper classes, though they were at times very challenging for me. I got stuck with a few papers, mostly in the middle of the semester, and had a really hard time meeting deadlines (as I often do). This seems to be due to a combination of emotional stuff, a mid-semester slump/senioritis, and choosing somewhat challenging topics. While I wasn’t incredibly pleased with the quality of a couple of those papers, I am proud that I finished them through, something that in the past I have not always been able to do. And even if they weren’t perfectly polished and well-written, I learned a lot about the topic through writing each of them, and I’m grateful for that. I am most proud, however, of the first paper I wrote for Jody about my mom, which had some really nice prose and neatly analyzed a few deep concepts, and the paper I just wrote for Anne about the Hungry Tide, which is the most formal paper I wrote all semester, something I usually struggle with and don’t enjoy but in this case found to be quite fun and rewarding. In the same way that the experience of writing my thesis proved to me that I am really smart and capable of holding my own in academia, the writing I’ve done for these two classes has begun to help me consider the very real possibility that I could be a good writer (and maybe I already am?!). It’s hard to express how much this means, how big of a gift this is; this is something I have not believed possible since middle school.

Another one of my greatest achievements this semester was the production of the Story Slam. I was only mildly excited when we first conceived of it, and then I forgot about it for a while (as I think we all did) and felt less invested. Until, all of a sudden, it was the week before and I began to be concerned that we weren’t going to pull this off. I still didn’t really feel group buy-in, and one problem I noticed was that there was little to no leadership, hierarchical or otherwise. Having experience in making events happen (usually direct actions) and getting people to come, I decided to just commit myself and hope others would follow. I suggested some specific bottomlining roles in class and fanatically reminded folks to tell all their friends (though likely they would have anyway). Some of the structure of the working groups was effective in spreading the word and setting up the space, but I could see that there would still be a lot to get done. And, as is common, my acts of leadership paved the way for others to take on leadership roles, which most people did. I felt so pleased and supported by most of our class during the story slam, so grateful that I could do my job of MCing while trusting others like Lisa and Shamial to bottomline the list and welcome newcomers.

As I mentioned, I’ve helped to organize a lot of different public events, many of which took as much work as the story slam or more, but rarely have I so clearly been able to see my own vitality in the success of the event. From filming and editing the advertisement video (which took at least 5 hours), to calling for roles, to MCing, to helping clean up at the end, I know I did a lot, and I have no regrets about the story slam. I have been less involved on the follow-up end, though I am excited about my proposal for bringing a story slam-type event to West Philadelphia, the community I’m moving to. I think, had I not put so much time in before the story slam, I might have felt more generous with my time and dedicated more time and thought to follow-up, but again, I feel satisfied with my degree of participation.

I have mixed feelings about my participation with the creative projects. I put a lot of time into the first one (my video, impoundment) and I really liked it. I felt a little confused by the fact that this was not necessarily expected to be a finished product, and that it was not necessarily received as great just the way it was, that it would in some way need revision. I understand that everything is a process, and that revision is a helpful process, but I felt frustrated that this thing I had spent hours on was expected to be made better. I also felt conflicted about the fact that those who had taken photos on phones or cameras with better quality than the one I used from the library had more polished art, even though it had taken a fraction of the time. This isn’t to invalidate the work that others did, just something I got a little stuck on. I spent much less time on the second project, which I think is ok, and I wrote a spoken word poem that I actually really liked. I say actually because it was my first foray into the world of spoken word. For my third project, I used a combination of both forms, out of desperation and lack of good footage more than anything else. But I was surprised that it turned out quite well, and overall I feel pleased. I don’t know if the eco-artist presentation is included in the section of “creative projects”, but I just wanted to say that I very much enjoyed researching and presenting on Andy Goldsworthy. I was resistant at first because I tend to feel bored and resentful of research/ppt presentation projects, but I found an amazing documentary about Goldsworthy and learned that the themes he deals with in his impermanent eco-art really resonate with me. I only wish I had found more ways to think and write more about him during the rest of the semester.

 As I write these last paragraphs, I’m about 45 minutes away from the deadline for the final work of my undergraduate career, and it feels appropriate that my last paper should be a self-evaluation for a 360 (also that I should be working so close to the deadline). 360’s have really shaped my Bryn Mawr experience, and in this time of my life that is filled with moving forward and planning for the future, I so much appreciate having a reason to sit down and reflect on my experiences, to diffract my learning, to be intentional about continuing to grow even as I am writing this last paper. You’ll see I’ve chosen as an image for my portfolio banner another rickety bridge. I know I’ve referred to this all over Serendip (here, and here, for example), but I don’t think this is repetitive or a cop-out. It’s true that, as is evident by my account picture, I started this semester with the rickety bridge forefront in my mind. But that doesn’t mean that I’m at the same place as I started.

Yes, I’m still on the bridge. Perhaps this 360 has pushed me less than other experiences like my thesis or Women in Walled Communities, especially since we as a class finally began to talk about the rickety bridge in the last class discussion, long after I had taken it as a personal theme. Still, I am not in the same place on the bridge as I was at the beginning of the semester. I’ve withstood challenges, big gusts of wind that rocked the bridge, that I hadn’t had to come to terms with before. I now see that standing on the rickety bridge between self and other is not just about connecting with those of different cultures and levels of privilege. It is also very much about having difficult conversations with people who have completely different ideologies than you. It is about relating to the humanity in others even as we know we can never truly understand another being. It is about traversing difference so as to figure out how to survive in this world – or to figure out whether or not that should even be our goal. This is definitely a huge learning edge for me coming out of the semester, one I began to explore when I was honest in our last discussion about my disappointment with the lack of deep sharing and challenging of each other. And I'm excited to continue to test this edge in other areas of my life, keeping the perfect balance between risk and safety. For, as we learned in Ed class, risky situations often facilitate the greatest learning.