End or start

It’s still very hard to believe we are coming to the last week of the semester and end of the 360 journey. However, even till the end, we were still able to explore silence from another perspective.

I really enjoyed visit of sister Linda on Thursday. Her stories offered me another opportunity to see the power of silence.

One point she mentioned really touched me about silence. She said silence is pregnancy not emptiness and through silence she can hear voices of God and fell unbelievably loved. Wow, what a beautiful state of mind and enlightenment she was able to feel through such silence. I was particularly moved by her choice of word of pregnancy. Pregnancy, from my point of view, is one of the beautiful processes to bring miracles to this world. She indeed viewed silence as her ways of holding many things she was not able to deal with.

I was shocked by her actual experience of not talking much for over a month. Such a long time of period of organizing her stuff to realize better understanding of oneself was absolutely wonderful. I envy her courage to be able to get away from all the trivial routines in daily life to just be with oneself.

At the same time, I was wondering that what might be the possibility and the cost for me to really do such a thing right now as a student. Anyway, I agree with her choice of silence in many ways and was glad I found some rationale behind my weird behaviors, such as periodically anti-social emotions. I couldn’t help laughing when she mentioned that she found ridiculous how people spent so much of their time to have long conversation and really talked about nothing at all.

I think I need to go back to the context of religion. I think I was surprised that she was able to maintain a balance of her faith in God and at the same time to be such a educated women. I am still not quietly sure how she was able to manage to make such a combination happened. I did enjoy her accompany and her wisdom she offered.

On the Tuesday, I had a conversation with Anne about my confusing feeling when reading the Eva’s man. Even though we have analysis this complex text from various aspects, such as Eva’s silence and the missing of voices of men around her, I didn’t enjoy the reading experience. After talk, I realize that such a book actually captured the similar ways of thinking as our mind. Our mind doesn’t work in a linear manner but a radiation fashion. Multiple events can be processed at the same time and they don’t have to be related in any ways. Our minds are super-power processor that can store and process and hide many trains of thoughts. Therefore, the timeline in the book was fragmental and disconnected but not necessarily disassociated. It’s not important, necessary or even possible to really figure out exactly what happened. Such a representation of human’s mind did give us a good insight about our minds.

Also, at the same time, I need to recognize the agency Eva had when she made the decision to remain silent about what really happened. She decided that telling her stories might result more misunderstandings. The silence is a means f she practicing her power. Such a silence might seem unreasonable for outsiders, but is her choice and her power. Also, as a victim of many unfortunate things happened to her. She might determine that silence was the best way to protect herself after all as a female. 

Finally, I think I was relieved when Anne agreed that there were of course more positive portraits of the excises of silence. The silence from female perspective doesn’t always have to be about sexuality, hurt and pain. I just thought what happened in Eva’s man was really sad and depressing. I would lie to explore positive indications behind women’s choices to be silent

As closing wording, I will think this final post as my temporary mark on my ongoing process of thinking about my relationship with silence.