Swag

“Hold up, did you just hear, did you just say, did you just see, did you just do that? Then the voice in your head silently tells you to take your foot off your throat because just getting along shouldn’t be an ambition.” -- Claudia Rankine, citizen

I feel like I am "raced" more by black people more than anyone else. Unless I am having a conversation about race, of course, I feel most hyperaware of my race when I am around other black people. I don't know if that hyperawareness comes more from insecurity or judgement or coincidence. But that is what I've experienced. That hyperawareness doesn't feel good. It doesn't always feel bad, but it's uncomfortable in a way that's hard to decide. Like I'm constantly trying to prove with every word (even though I don't know a lot of slang), every cultural reference (most of which I don't understand, to be honest), and every thing else that goes through my mind (which is a lot).

where to begin?

i have a lot of feelings and a lot of memories and i just read calamityschild's post and that stirred up a lot of emotions (in case you're reading this, c, it was in a good way, and i love you and your posts v much) and basically i don't really want to talk about this. i don't want to talk about race. i don't want to talk about education. i don't want to talk about my experiences right now.
but here i am. and here we go.

i'm writing this immediately after a conversation with my friends about that ~infamous~ post in the ride share facebook group. i'm thinking about how we have an honor code with basic tenents of healthy competition, trust, mutual respect, individual potential, etc etc. i'm also thinking about how easily that gets misconstrued - today a white girl said, "honor code. be respectful." is response to a Black girl who was confronting her racism. it blows my mind how people will steal your food from the tea pantry but turn right around and say you gotta confront a trump supported/sympathizer respectfully. how!!!

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When I think about my education, the first thing that comes to my mind is never race. Race is actually never the first thing I think about when I think about my identity anyway, but in particular when thinking about education I focus most on what posed the biggest problem for my peers and teachers. My selective mutism (they didn't see race, after all). I did not talk in school. Since kindergarden, from the moment I stepped on the bus in the morning to the moment I stepped off in in the afternoon, I did not communicate verbally with anyone. This 'social phobia' that I (have?/had?) have caused a lot of problems for me academically and socially, but I had no support from my parents or my teachers. My parents don't believe in mental illnesses, so I didn't get treatment when I should've.