February 22, 2016 - 13:23
Table of Contents
Hooked on Phonics 1-7
Round Table Pizza 8-20
Times New Roman, 12 pt Font 21-29
Delayed Entry Program (DEP) 20-25
QuestBridge 26-32
Worthwhile Living 33- 37
12 Pack of Mason Jars 38-48
Give Yourself Permission 49-53
Falling into Multiculturalism 54-60
“For many of you the most comfortable position will be Corpse Pose. If this is not the case, feel free to lie however feels best.” The soothing voice of our part time pilates instructor, part time business administrator droned on, while 40 of us lied, eyes closed, on yoga mats in the dim room. “...And give yourself permission to release all your tension and thoughts of commitments and responsibilities for the next few minutes,” she continued on. While she reminded us to keep our eyes closed and focus on our bodies, I felt the loosening of my shoulders as I further considered her words. On Thursday evenings I attend a pilates class, and one instance reminded me of something I greatly needed a refresher on: to give myself permission to take a minute, take a chance, and to take what is offered. This idea of “Giving Yourself Permission”, is one that I found central enough in my perspective on life to be deserving of the title of this book. From reflecting on my past experiences in school, and today in college when looking at larger social issues, I remind myself that, yes, I have permission to critique and accept the past and hold relevance in the larger context of society, matter in the larger context of society, and to continue learning and taking risks.
I am a first generation Mexican-American. In my experience, this implies a culture of responsibility to oneself, and to one’s family. At least, this was the main motivation my parents had when they each crossed the CA/Mexico border, unlawfully. Despite their desires and aspirations, we have never been wealthy by any means, but my father taught me what it meant to take care of your family while permitting yourself to take a risk when he started a trucking business. Today I have mixed feelings about what that means that my father owns a business, as I remain a first generation, both as an American, and college attendee, QuestBridge (low income) student with an incredible financial aid package. Within the Bi-Co Community the majority of people's parents are professors, professionals, and entrepreneurs. Not “business owners”, but “entrepreneurs”. The difference lies in the years of education and money made, though in a dictionary this discrepancy is not made. I am a proponent that experience informs your culture and understanding, and having a family that struggled to pay bills, yet took a risk that could end either incredibly well or leave us in debt, left me a risk taker.
But at the end of the day, my father gave himself permission to make a dubious decision, and here we are today. I’m blessed enough, and many would say spoiled enough, not to personally pay for my cellphone bill, nor car insurance. Of course, paying my tuition and health insurance bill, now that’s another story, but also one I willingly accept as part of my decision to cross the country. With this responsibility is the lingering duty to not burden my family unduly.
While applying to summer internships I am constantly reminded of the applicant pool I am a part of. It is one full of students who interned at offices in high school, while I was working at a pizza shop. Am I good enough to even accept an interview if it were to be offered? It is not bitterness that fuels this feeling. To respond to this I consider how I came to be at Haverford. After switching high schools, Mr. Also, my sophomore year AP U.S. History teacher gave me permission to look beyond the borders of Arizona in my search for higher education. I was the youngest in APUSH, but only by a year, so he pushed me to do better, speak louder, and be heard. Mr. Also did not care that I did not have the same resources as others, but encouraged me when I began to look into QuestBridge, a competitive scholarship program. He’s the one that wrote my letter of recommendation two years later, after I continued to be his TA, and he left me with the knowledge that I am enough. At a time when I was confused on my identity, as many high schoolers are, he assured me that I had permission to “Dare to Dream”, as Questbridge says. So, yes, I will apply to those internships this summer.
This series of experiences allowed me to realize that my family, school, and community have played an immense role in both pushing and pulling me towards and away from opportunity. There are existing barriers within the culture I was raised in, as well as the United States itself, which I continue to contend with daily, while deciding how best to rationalize it all while maintaining a sense of self-efficacy. Yet, merit is not enough in society today, and while learning about concepts of privilege, structural racism, and the impact of policy on social identities, I must remind myself to give myself permission to acknowledge the proliferation of negative societal constructs, that I might otherwise be unaware of if I had not come to Haverford.
As I move through the remainder of college and plan for a career, to give myself permission is something I will keep in mind. Even for smaller instances, as Saturday when I was participating in a psychology study, I reminded myself that I had permission to try. While repeating the same word as fast as I could, and reading a separate piece mentally, my words began to blend together and were no longer discernible. All I could think about was taking Speech Class as a child, Hooked on Phonics, which I wrote about in Chapter 1, and realizing that when under pressure, the years of lesson fell away, and I felt embarrassed. Ultimately, I gave myself permission to try my best, stumbling constantly, and left the study feeling as though I had given my best effort, and as a reward had been given Skittles.