Lady with a Beard

 

The Bearded Lady

 

There’s no way they could see them. I felt each and every hair that coated my lower chin. They felt prickly and I wondered whether they sprang up individually, one thick black hair at a time. If I wear my hair down then they definitely won’t see. I must be the only one able to see them. It’s like what I learned in psychology class - you see your imperfections more than others. Maybe you can feel them more than others, too.

As I look in the mirror, I see them - the tiny little hairs that rub coarsely against my hand. Hopefully these will go unnoticed. A scarf can hide these. This is what puberty is, a change in the body. Others around must feel the hairs too. It must be one of those secrets mom doesn’t speak about until it happens. Maybe this isn’t really happening. It’s just me and my teenage self being self- conscious, overthinking.

They can see them. All of them. All of the follicles that stand so erect - the ones I thought I could only see. They know. How can I get rid of this? How can it be hidden? They ask me why, and I can’t give them a reply, because I don’t know why. It’s just me. I mean, I am Italian, so hairiness is common. I look like my father. I can look like my father, can’t I?

I can’t continue risking letting them know that I have them. I must find out how to make them invisible, to make me invisible. I want to be wanted. I want to be soft and tender, to be delicate and elegant. I want to be passive. I want to be passing.

Bleach,electrolysis, wax, razors, tweezers, nair, laser, over-the-counter creams, prescription creams, medications, Turmeric, pumice stones, and epilators.

Rip, yank, pull, trim, cut, dissolve, burn, rub, pick, pluck, extract, jerk, uproot, wrench, remove, tear, blanch, prune, clip, shave, barber, shear, slash, shred, and snip.

It will hurt for only a moment. It will feel like a pinch, just a pinch. The burn will soon settle. Do not walk out in the sun for at least a week after. Rub affected areas with the oils provided. Everyone cries a little. Wincing is normal. The swelling will come down with ice.

Redness will last about 24 hours. Hold still. Lean your head back. Stretch your skin.

You’re going to look so much better

after.

The metal table is cold and so are his hands as he feels my neck for the hairs. They are there, the hairs. I know they are. The training doctor behind him grimaces. Once he leaves, she holds my hand and reassures me that I am still beautiful. I grew them out for him to see. I didn’t shave this morning and held my head down as I walked out of the car to block the views. The blood tests are ordered and will be reviewed by the specialists. Referrals are made and appointments are planned.

As he walks into the room he catches a glance of the hairs on my legs, points and says ‘your hormones are imbalanced’, as if the tests that I have begged for were just unnecessary. What age did they begin to grow? When did you first grow breasts? How often are your periods? How long do you have cramps? What places on your body do you have hair? When did you first grow pubic hair? Are you losing hair on your head? When did you first begin having pimples? Do you suffer from anxiety or depression? How much do you weigh? What do you eat? How often do you exercise? Have you had angry outbursts? Do you have trouble sleeping? Without her glasses on, I am diagnosed. Medication prescribed. Vomiting and diarrhea expected for the first few days or weeks. Nipples may be tender. It will all be better soon.

One pill makes me weak. One pill makes me sleep. One pill causes tenderness. Together they stunt the growth. The razor is needed every other day instead of twice a day. I am becoming. Becoming the woman I was meant to be. Becoming easier to see.

Bleach,electrolysis, wax, razors, tweezers, nair, laser, over-the-counter creams, prescription creams, medications, Turmeric, pumice stones, and epilators.

Rip, yank, pull, trim, cut, dissolve, burn, rub, pick, pluck, extract, jerk, uproot, wrench, remove, tear, blanch, prune, clip, shave, barber, shear, slash, shred, and snip.

It will hurt for only a moment. It will feel like a pinch, just a pinch. The burn will soon settle. Do not walk out in the sun for at least a week after. Rub affected areas with the oils provided. Everyone cries a little. Wincing is normal. The swelling will come down with ice.

Redness will last about 24 hours. Hold still. Lean your head back. Stretch your skin.

You’re going to look so much better

after.

Are there others? Can people tell? What if I don’t shave today, or tomorrow? Should I bring razors to sleepovers? When I’m married, will I hide in the bathroom, out of view? No one could want this. It shouldn’t be known. The electrolysis hasn’t worked. The meds have made me feel sick. Will this be what I am left with forever? Is this me? Can it not be me? Who else is like me?

 

 

Madame Josephine Clofullia

When I was younger, I always thought that girls had it all because we could wear pants and skirts. I felt like I had so much room to breathe and now I must mold myself into a form that my body and self cannot contort into. Was that feeling of freedom real? Can it be felt or at least thought of again?

“Madame Josephine Clofullia, was viewed much differently by her contemporaries. The bearded-lady gag, of course, relies on audiences to be astonished by contradiction: A woman with a beard? Impossible! It must be a man. But as she toured America in the 1850s, Clofullia’s audiences saw a mere curiosity, not the crime against gender that was billed. Only rarely, in fact, did they claim that Madam Clofullia’s beard compromised her womanhood or made her look “like a man.” Instead, they praised her elegance and touted her respectability. Her beard, in short, was largely irrelevant to her status as a woman.As a sideshow, she bombed(The Atlantic, Lessons of the Bearded Lady).”

Bleach,electrolysis, wax, razors, tweezers, nair, laser, over-the-counter creams, prescription creams, medications, Turmeric, pumice stones, and epilators.

Rip, yank, pull, trim, cut, dissolve, burn, rub, pick, pluck, extract, jerk, uproot, wrench, remove, tear, blanch, prune, clip, shave, barber, shear, slash, shred, and snip.

It will hurt for only a moment. It will feel like a pinch, just a pinch. The burn will soon settle. Do not walk out in the sun for at least a week after. Rub affected areas with the oils provided. Everyone cries a little. Wincing is normal. The swelling will come down with ice.

Redness will last about 24 hours. Hold still. Lean your head back. Stretch your skin.

You’re going to look so much better

after.

I wish I could fight against the constant push I feel to conform.

I want to grow my beard out and be proud.

I want to not have to wake up with a razor close to my bed.

I want to not have to hurriedly shave hoping that no one else will step into the bathroom and see.

I want to not fear their eyes, to not fear your eyes.

To be comfortable with what is viewed as the uncomfortable.

To be so affirmed of myself and who I am that I no longer fear the concept of being unwanted.

To walk with the wind in my hairs and my head not toward the ground.  

I want be seen.

I want to be beautiful, beard and all.

I want to be ugly, beard and all.

I want to not fear being either beautiful or ugly.

I want to be the woman or person or being that I am without the constant feeling that I am incapable of being held by others.

My softness cannot be limited to the underbelly of my chin.

I want to feel no need to be ladylike or average.

I do not want to be prodded and groped by physicians looking for a cure to my body.

I want to throw my bleach,electrolysis, wax, razors, tweezers, nair, laser, over the counter creams, prescription creams, medications, Turmeric, pumic stones, and epilator away.

I want to rip, yank, pull, trim, cut, dissolve, burn, rub, pick, pluck, extract, jerk, uproot, wrench, remove, tear, blanch, prune, clip, shave,barber, shear, slash, shred, and snip normative ideas of womanhood.

I must

hurt

feel

pinch

 burn

settle

walk

rub

cry

wince

swell

last

Hold ,Lean,Stretch

Going.