BoBow

What I’m about to say next may appall you: I can relate to the white woman in the essay by June Jordan. Yeah, the one who calls Jordan “lucky” for being black and having something to work to, unlike herself, not believing that she was “a person”. I admit, now that I’ve seen and had firsthand experience of friends who have been in tough situations that I don’t share the same exact viewpoint as the woman but  I was kind of scared to admit it during class in fear of being judged by people I barley know and will be spending another 4 years with.

            Fortunately, I was brought up in a well to do family. My parents had it worse since they had just moved from India to the US and started their life together. They had to work to earn the lives they live today…I was just born into it. Just like the Jewish woman Jordan talked about, I had certain expectations I had to uphold. Obviously not the same but I was expected to do well in school, get into a good college, and make a living. So far so good, right? Well, even though some may say I don’t have the right to complain with such easy expectations and easily accessible aid from family and friends, there are some things which I, admittedly, feel jealous of others of. I just had to study and make friends. Others had to work to provide for their families at an early age or even take care of their siblings since their parents weren’t around. I had been put in a box with pillows lining the walls, ceiling, and floor, even the window was covered up so I couldn’t escape and see what reality is and how the world really works. I am not saying that I am not grateful for all of the opportunities and safety I have been given but I also want to have reality with me a little earlier than when I go to college.

I did have some struggles with the way I saw myself and the pressures of doing the best in school and I would say those instances could be the closest to the reality of life that I could come to as a teenager. The picture provided is of my stuffed animal that I got when I was 1. Her name is BoBow and I have had her for almost 17 years now. When I was at the point in my teenage years and angsty, unable to talk to my parents, I would talk to her. She was and still is my security blanket.

To put it bluntly, I relied on her so much when I was a teenager because I had many suicidal thoughts. It was hard for me to admit it because I had become so accustomed to putting on an act for everyone else that I began to fool myself. There were times when I would debate whether it was worth living anymore, I always felt that if my time stopped there it would be okay because there wasn’t much else for me to do, I was average. And, if I just disappeared, there would be many averages to take my place. Not wanting to burden anyone else with how I truly felt, she was my rock. There is some backstory as to why.

My sister was born when I was 1 and being so close in age, and both girls, it wouldn’t come as a surprise that we are each other’s best friend. When she was born, a family member had given BoBow as a gift to her. Being a newborn baby, she had no use for the toy so it was then given to me. I just kept her with me all the time and kept growing more and more attached to her subconsciously. Now I realize, as I became closer and closer to my sister, I became closer and closer to BoBow. BoBow represents my sister and when I would vent and hold onto BoBow, it would remind me that if there was one person I should live for, it should be her. My parents had each other but my sister would be alone in the world and I couldn’t let that happen. So, I changed my mentality into a more positive one, striving to become a better role model for not only my sister but myself. I became who I wanted and needed to be.

 

Although, I still wish I had more meaning to my life I realize that it’s all relative. The meaning to my life that I was looking for was always there, it is just that I find it so simple that I don’t think it holds meaning. Same with the woman, she did not consider herself a person because she thought she had nothing to strive for and there was no meaning to her life when in reality, taking care of and raising children can be very rewarding and meaningful if you think about it. You are raising the next generation and the future is in your hands. When I hold BoBow, I think of the future I will have to figure out the meaning and ultimate goal of my life. The future that could have been taken away if I didn’t have her as a reminder as to who and what really matters in life. What was and is habit to rely on whether it is by blood or bond: family