September 4, 2016 - 16:34
The ending of a discussion is never truly the end. The ideas and emotions provoked during an intimate sharing of personal insights and opinions always linger within the individual. These newfound notions swirl into a never ending vacuum of thoughts that continuously work to change one’s identity.
The individual that walked into the Tri-Co Identity, Equity, and Social Justice program during mid-August was undoubtedly a different person when they walked out of the program only a week later. The program was one that my pre-college self had signed up for on a whim. Curiosity combined with the knowledge that I would be armed with my ‘area of expertise’ allowed me to sign up with little hesitation. A smaller, darker part of me whispered about the idea of showing off my ‘wealth’ of knowledge about gender and sexuality. Another part desperately grasped at the prospect of making non-judgmental friends, with strong passions about social justice.
Even if you ignored my ignorant notions about the program, nothing would have truly prepared me for the heavy weight that self-exploration would drop onto me. Wading through my own identity and co-piloting the expedition of others proved to be almost overwhelming. I was nearly lost in a storm of doubts and emotions. As the program continued, the discussions became more personal. People began to peel off their default masks of politeness and expose a more raw side of their identity. I could almost feel my world view changing as all of my former opinions were tossed suddenly into deep, all consuming discussions.
While almost every part of the program was drenched in thought provoking dialogue, there were some specific aspects that stood out among the rest. One of these was the emergence of individuals so vastly different from me. I had entered the program blinded by the expectation that all the participants would be the same. I expected carbon copies of myself, repainted to look slightly different, but none-the-less containing the same ideals and opinions. I knew deep down that my expectations were unreasonable, but the desperate part of me that was saturated with the fear of loneliness demanded this program be the solution to solitude.
I remember looking around the room filled with Tri-Co persons, all anxious to start the program. Race, gender, sexuality, class and economic status were pieces that were temporarily label irrelevant as I surveyed the room and played a mental identification game. The very aspects that were deeply important to myself and unquestionably vital to the other participants were dismissed in order for me to indulge my curiosity. My game of deducing who were the fellow martyrs, the haverpeople, and the swarties was significantly more important than recognizing the individuality that sat with each person.
This complete ignorance and self-centeredness would soon come back to hit me where it hurt as began to discover just how diverse and different everyone was. They were all individuals with experiences and passions that ran as deep- no deeper than my own. As people became more vocal and participated more, I was showered with story after story of hardship, accomplishment, and unrelenting resolve. I soon found myself lost in the shadow of the beautiful individuality of those who had the will to express it. I started questioning, even more so than I already was, my own identity and importance. In the face of those who have struggled to get where they were, was I even relevant? Did I deserve to state my own opinion even though I was labeled as privileged?
These doubts would only multiply as we dug deeper into what made us who we were. Our own identities were laid out in front of us and we were told to dissect it for all it was worth. We opened ourselves up like cloth dolls and allowed all of what made us who we were to fall out into the open. There was no way to avoid looking at the unsavory parts, but at the same time there was no way to avoid what was undeniably good.
As humans, we reached out to grasp at common strands. In these instances we craved familiarity in this confusing mix of ideals and identity. However, we were halted before we locked on to only one solid connection and were told to take a step back. The bonds that could be forged by similar labels had potential to become strong, but that was only if you did not look deeper. Looking at those that I dismissed earlier for being so different, I realized suddenly that we were similar in the smaller details. We had created a space that we could speak our thoughts; a space that was brimming with support and acceptance. Deep down, we all had a common goal: we wanted change. Whether it was societal change or change in one’s own identity did not matter. All that mattered was that we were all a unified yet diverse community coming together to explore ourselves.
When June Jordan said that “as far as [she] [could] see, the usual race and class concepts of connection, or gender assumption of unity, [did] not apply very well” and that “[she] doubt[ed] that they ever did” I couldn’t help but ponder. I was split when I though about this quote. On one hand I disagreed with her. Through my own experiences, I knew that connections could be made simply by having a similar factor, especially when one felt like an outcast. In many contexts, simple concepts could be strong enough to gather a unified force. However, Jordan holds truth in that fact those labels were not enough to connect a person. To truly make a connection, one would need more than just superficial brands.
Identity and connections are finicky concepts that are fluid in every possible aspect. While my own connections are forged through diverse unity, there are some who will simply grasp onto whatever is similar to themselves. Individuals are unique. They are different in a way no one else will understand, yet, at the same time, similar in a way where pathways to connection are plentiful.
Through both my own experience and June Jordan’s, I believe that connections created by humanity are as complex as humanity itself. There is no definitive area where connections are guaranteed nor are there areas where connections are doomed to fail. It is a concept as fluid as the individual, and one that humans can only hope to understand.