Loss is a complex word. It is defined as the fact or process of losing someone or something.

What I am really interested in is voice, and breaking the silences. One of the most problematic aspects of prison is the separation, deciding some people can not function/ do not belong/ do not deserve to participate in society. People in power have decided that certain voices are dangerous or should be silenced. I do not want my research project to only be an opportunity to learn and expand what I hold is true, because there is room for stretching ideas in so many areas.

As I'm reading Wild, I'm thinking to myself that Cheryl Strayed has lived a life that parents and teachers and authority figures have warned me about. Very quickly and unabashedly, she has described every dangerous twist of fate--drugs, death, divorce, abortion, infidelity--that I've been afraid of for as long as I can remeber. Don't give these things the chance to hurt you. That is the message we're all given from the start. But Cheryl has, miraculously, survived it all. I'm impressed by her tenacity, but a little more by her luck. Her life has given her every opportunity to end up a cautionary tale, and yet, here she is, living a fulfilling life and speaking at colleges and promoting her book.

This latest prison experience was definitely a much more personal one. I felt like we were definitely making deep connections with the text; it took the concepts we have been discussing/were discussing to a new level. I found it really unfortunate having to cut off conversation to move us forward, because I thought it was an excellent experience. Their openness and willingness to debate and think critically about the world and the system that has put them in prison was incredible. The energy felt so present, and alert, and interested. “Citizen” became so much more vivid while discussing it with them.

My initial reaction to Wild was really wanting to know the point or reason behind the hike/what Strayed learned from the hike or lack thereof. Although she says it has to do with the death of her mother, the specifics behind her reasoning is still unknown, or I still haven't figured it out or read about it yet (I'm currently on page 50). The backstory of Strayed's mother's death makes me really anxious about why Strayed made her decision to hike the PTC and what she will or will not learn from it. I am also intrigued by Strayed's backstory because of the complicated family dynamics, especially between Strayed and her mother. Strayed seems to mirror a lot of her mother in her own adult life, and I wonder if that cyclical nature is important to the story.

A couple summers ago I read Wild because it was on the list of books that my high school gave us to read. We did not discuss it at all in school at the beginning of the next year which disappointed me. However, this time reading it I am not finding that much different. I still am skeptical of the "safety" of Cheryl Strayed's story; she is a young woman traveling alone, has hitchhiked, and there haven't been any people trying to take advantage of her along the way. Maybe I am just so conditioned by being sheltered at home and somewhat here at Bryn Mawr that I believe something must go wrong for her. That she can't possibly have made it this far and only sustained physical injuries and emotional ones from her past.

During the class this week, what started out as a pretty universal feeling of frustration and despair from treading the rest of Citizen, ended in a conversation of hope and uplift. It was a really incredible thing to be witness to, and I felt very privileged to be a part of that conversation. One of the ideas that struck me during our conversational shift to hope, was the confusing notion of whether or not hope could exist in a place where there is no end to the suffering, where the pain never ends, just takes different forms. How do you end what is endless, and how do you derive hope from such a stagnation. Listening to the arguments that the women made and drawing from my own experiences, it seemed to me that hope is both an end and a beginning in this paradox.

        During the Friday class, one woman said “I can’t just move on. I can’t just let go. How can I move on if nothing has been changed and I still live in fear?” It was heartbroken to hear someone saying this in front of me, but still, I whispered to myself, “Don’t change your perspective entirely. Add this part to your perspective.” This is the mechanism I have developed through the interaction with underprivileged people. “They are so much more than that.” is the sentence I always keep in my mind. 

After looking into the sources I included in my original research proposal, I have found a number of categories under which my information falls: the presence of transgender individuals in prison (this would include their disproportionate representation in prisons as well as numbers related to incarceration in single-sex prisons; are they in the prison that corresponds to their gender identity, and if not, what physical change would lead to their transfer), the availability of medical resources to transgender prisoners related to transition (i.e. hormones and gender affirmation surgery), and the history of court proceedings that make this treatment possible (including the cases of Michelle Kosilek and Michelle-Lael Norsworthy).