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Stop being a capitalist. Just go to sleep.

Bella's picture

I talked about this a bit in my breakout room last night and I might talk about it in my final project, but I thought I'd share it in a post in case I end up going in a different direction with my paper.

I saw a tweet a few days ago and I've been thinking a lot about it ever since. The tweet reads, "we don't talk enough about the imposter syndrome / burnout crossover when you don't think you are allowed to feel burnout. not to be earnest but it's something I've experienced and something I've observed in my friends in the past. you're burnt out but you don't believe you've done enough or, for lack of a better word, earned it."

This has gotten me thinking a lot about the idea of burnout and self worth, especially through a crip lens. I think the ultimate problem is that we've been taught to base our self worth on our productivity levels, and to measure our productivity through a capitalist / economic lens. We've been taught to feel guilty if we haven't met a certain productivity quota by the end of the day. I think we've all heard our friends shamedly say things like, "Damn, I was so unproductive today" or "God I didn't get anything done all day." This is almost always in the context of "I had so much work to do today and I didn't do any of it." They base their productivity on how much work they got done, not on how they actually spent their day. I still get stuck in this mindset sometimes, especially during finals when we have so much work to do and so many deadlines to meet. I'll think to myself, "Ugh, great, yet another day has gone by and you didn't do any of the assignments on your to-do list." Recently, however, I've been trying to challenge these thoughts whenever they pop up. I'll think to myself, "Well, I didn't get those assignments done today, but I got out of bed, I got dressed, I took all my meds, I ate three meals, I drank plenty of water, I took a shower, and I got myself into bed at a reasonable hour. That's a lot for one day! Now let's go to sleep."

I recently hung up a post-it note on the wall of pictures by where I do my homework as a reminder that my physical wellbeing is more important than my economic/academic productivity. It reads, "Stop being a capitalist and GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP!" It's honestly been a really helpful reminder and has been serving me well as we head into finals period.

I want to rewire my brain so it is no longer inclined to blindly trust capitalist propaganda. I am doing the best that I can to manage my disability and my life as a student, worker, friend, and family member. Some days I have to prioritize one of those realms of my life over the others, and whenever I feel myself deprioritizing my health / general wellbeing, I'm going to take a step back and consider if the things I feel I "must do" are actually for me or if I'm just acting as a cog in the capitalist machine. And if the answer is the latter, then I'm going to seriously consider just going to sleep instead, because that will ultimately be more productive towards my goal of living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life.